The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘charlie sheen’

Charlie Sheen’s Most Popular Body Part

We live in a strange, strange world my friends.

About two years ago all of the Charlie Sheen craziness was happening. (You know, when he said stuff like, “Dying is for fools. Amateurs.” This website has a number of his gems.) I took the opportunity to write a silly blog post (because I do that about everything, anyway) and it has led to a really unexpected result.

My blog post talked about Charlie Sheen’s different body parts using crazy phrases (it was a ton of fun to write). One of the body parts was, “You Know …” and the accompanying tag was “Charlie Sheen’s penis.” Here’s what I said about that body part:

Try this on for size – Charlie as a whole is an F-16. Ok. Fine. That’s good. Know what I am? I am your recurring nightmare wrapped in silk and piloting the Death Star without even trying and when I do try, man, you have to watch out because life. can’t. handle. this. Ohmigod I just invented gravity again. Now it travels at 9.9 meters per second squared. Feel heavier? Sorry, deal with it. I already adjusted and broke all Carl Lewis’ records in track and field.

Oh, two year ago self, how innocent and naive you were. Take a look at this weird result. These are search terms that have led people to my blog.

Charlie Sheen penis

At least whoever wanted to see a quokka had their request satisfied.

I’m not sure when it started, because I only recently started looking at the search terms that led to my blog on a somewhat-regular basis. But here are the results, as of today:

  • charlie sheen penis – 37
  • charlie sheen’s penis – 33
  • charlie sheens penis – 25
  • charlie sheen’s dick – 11
  • charlie sheen cock – 11
  • charlie sheen penis pic – 9
  • charlie sheen dick pic – 7
  • charlie sheen cock pic – 6
  • charlie sheens dick – 6
  • charlie sheen penis pictures – 5
  • charlie sheen penis picture – 5
  • charlie sheen cock pics – 5
  • charlie sheens cock – 5
  • charlie sheen penis shot – 4
  • pictures of charlie sheen’s penis – 4
  • charlie sheen’s penis picture – 3
  • picture of charlie sheen’s cock – 3
  • charlie sheens penis pic – 3
  • picture of charlie sheen dick – 3
  • charlie sheen dick pics – 3

Ok, I had to stop. This is really weird. My blog is not popular AT ALL and yet people type this in and end up coming to my blog? Really? My blog is not first page of results material unless you include “dumbfunnery” in your search. How weird are people?

I realize this post will probably lead even more misguided internet weirdos to my blog, but you know what?, maybe this will be their wake up call (doubtful, but it’ll get me more hits).

I’m feeling very disturbed. I’m going to go watch cartoons and pretend I live in a simpler, nicer world.

Charlie Sheen’s Most Supreme Body Part

Which Body Part is Charlie Sheen’s Best?

 

 

Sorry for the crappy picture quality … (here’s the text)

Knee

“Dude don’t get me started on – WHOAAAAA I just cured cancer. Then I time traveled to everywhere and stopped cancer from even existing.”

 

Teeth

I remember one time I was gnawing on one of my arms (possibly someone else’s arm?) and I had to stop and just admire myself for a second because without thinking about it I had also chewed off 3 or 4 legs. Can your teeth do that? NO.

 

You Know …

Try this on for size – Charlie as a whole is an F-16. Ok. Fine. That’s good. Know what I am? I am your recurring nightmare wrapped in silk and piloting the Death Star without even trying and when I do try, man, you have to watch out because life. can’t. handle. this. Ohmigod I just invented gravity again. Now it travels at 9.9 meters per second squared. Feel heavier? Sorry, deal with it. I already adjusted and broke all Carl Lewis’ records in track and field.

 

Right Eye

Looked into your soul. Got bored. Created a new soul for you. Actually somewhat worse than your previous soul – sorry.

 

Knee

You know that feeling when you’re coked up and you can’t remember if you’re talking to a hooker or a nightstand and so you just kind of hold money out and hope for the best and then show that hooker/nightstand the night of its life? That’s how I feel ALL THE TIME.

 

Upper Thigh

I have to invent new words sometimes because the english language was invented by fools and tyrants and shquandlos and God I’m just wyxlam you know? Oh no you don’t because you’re inferior. Wait. Reading this temporarily made you better than me but then I created another version of myself, killed that version and again made myself the supreme being.

 

Heart

I WILL REIGN DOWN UPON YOU MY SUPERIOR INFINITENESS OF SANDWICH-LIKE MAGNIFICENCE! I AM TALKING CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICHES HERE TOO SO YOU KNOW I MEAN BUSINESS. LIKE WITH CUT-UP WALNUTS AND MAYBE SOME GRAPES AND LIKE THE BEST BREAD IMAGINABLE. BOOM SANDWICH TIME.

 

Hair

I’ve seen things man. I’ve seen things you can’t imagine and I just dance in the wind and meanwhile you’re all just sitting there contemplating about dinner. Dinner? Seriously? I had seven dinners already today because time stops and starts at my whim and oh I’m so effing whimsical today man.

The Internet is Full of Awesome: @SuperEnna

The internet is great. It’s sometimes frustrating for me, as someone who hopes to get published, to find a fantastic website because, frankly, things would be much easier if that wasn’t the case. But, while frustrating, I’m happy that there are great things online – and one of these is @SuperEnna. Or, try THIS! Enna’s got about 500 websites, so I decided to reference her Twitter AND one of her sites.

The Internet is Full of Awesome: @SuperEnna

1) If you could bring any ONE item back from any movie – what would the item be and from what movie?*

Holy crap in a hat this is a great question. Do I go for the time traveling Delorean from Back to the Future? Or go Biblical and get the Ark of the Covenant from Raiders of the Lost Ark? Or do I go perverted and get myself a chained-up hooker from Black Snake Moan? So many choices.

But I have to go with Rosie the Robot from the Jetson’s movie, because I am a lazy bitch and having a robot that cooks and cleans for me is better than 100 chained-up hookers.

2) What is your proudest blog-related moment? (i.e. compliment from a friend of friend, your blog mentioned somewhere else?)

I was being interviewed via Skype about my book (that is based off of my blog – you can buy it here www.tinyurl.com/sggrl OH DONT YOU LOVE THAT SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION!) and the interviewer asked how did it feel to be #8 on the most downloaded books for Kindle.

I had no idea I was even ON THAT LIST, let alone in the top ten. I told the reporter to please hold on a minute, muted the microphone, and ran around my living room screaming.

I did NOT, however, turn off my webcam, nor put on pants before I did this, so the reporter got to see a chubby white woman completely FREAK OUT in old, ill-fitting underwear. All before 9 a.m. That lucky bastard.

But, if you want my proudest blog moment of all time – it’s when a girl named Rachel made a Facebook fan group for my site. I sat at my desk at work and cried for a full twenty minutes. I am pretty sure that if anyone ever makes a wikipedia page for me, I will faint immediately and then spend the next week crying from being so happy/thankful.

3) Which would you rather fight – a zombie, a werewolf, or a vampire. (I think a zombie would be the easiest, so I’ll add in that the zombie has a knife, the werewolf has a stomach ache, and the vampire was just broken up with.)

Ok seriously a zombie is my worst fear, knife or no knife. The quickest way to get me to pee my pants is to do the “zombie shuffle” towards me and do that low moan. I will choose vampire because, due to Twilight, this seems like it would be the easiest to handle.

4) Why do you blog?

Since I have different blogs, I will answer for each individually:

Kosherporkchops.com: I honestly don’t know the answer to this. I guess because I have a story to tell, and in real life people find me hilarious. Not “stand-up-comedy” hilarious, but more “you-wouldn’t-mind-being-stuck-with-me-in-a-DMV” hilarious. I think I am just a well-rounded idiot. And truthfully, blogging/writing is the only thing I have ever been good at. Blogging and my romantic life are the only two things I can point at and say “Yep, I got that shit on lock.”

ForThomas.Tumblr.com: I started this blog as a Christmas gift for my cousin because I didn’t have any money to buy him a tangible gift. I said I would update it at least once a day with something he would probably find interesting. I update it on average twice a day. It was going to end on Christmas day this year, but I asked him if he wanted a “real” gift this year, or another year of blogging, and he chose blogging.

[Editor’s note: Her cousin Thomas is also mentioned in this completely crazy and awesome story.]

LettersToIraGlass.Tumblr.com: This is what I am most famous for, and I rarely update this anymore. I am deciding what to do with this site – I could just turn it into one viral NPR pledge drive, or turn it into a parody of itself. I have no clue. But This American Life picked up the blog and covered it, and suddenly overnight I was web-famous. I started this blog because I was having trouble dealing with life, and I needed an outlet. I based it off of LettersToTheEndConsumer.blogspot.com.

I used to have a LiveJournal and an OpenDiary, but that was more about my day-to-day life and I didn’t even want to read that shit. Ugh.

5) If time is moving forward, but everyone keeps looking back, does that mean the future is really just the past? (Tim Hendrik’s question from this interview).

I don’t know if this question has to do with time travel, but if it does – remember the most important rule of time travel: ALWAYS KILL HITLER.

[Editor’s Note: I don’t know Enna, but I could see her attacking a Hitler cat, or Kitler, while time-traveling.]

6) Please provide a question for the next blogger interviewed.

You started your own religion and you’re the new god – what are the four tenants your followers need to adhere to?


*My work buddy L came up with these awesome questions. Though he doesn’t know this blog exists.

Big thanks to @SuperEnna, author of http://kosherporkchops.com/ for answering the questions – be sure to check out one of her 4000 creative pursuits.

And look for another interview next (month? I don’t know) with TBD!

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