The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘work’

Congratulations Graduates! Welcome to the Next 40 Years

Graduation … It’s a milestone that is at once happy, and upon further reflection, terrifying.

Let’s say you get yourself a lovely corporate job and you’re reading through orientation information and filling out paperwork and your work offers a lovely savings program. You think to yourself, “I’ve never made much money so … I won’t even notice that I’m missing five percent of my paycheck.” Then you say goodbye to that five percent.

That’s fine – here’s where it gets depressing. The money is put into something which is oriented towards the day you will retire … which is more than forty years away.

Moving on …

There’s a good chance you already know all of this, and possibly more than me. Nevertheless, I am going to write about this (hasn’t everything already been covered anyway? So why not add my voice to the redundant, overdone chorus?). My sister likes to make fun of me for having become very corporate, and I’ve come to realize that she is kind of right. Now to add to my corporate image …

***

First off, congrats on getting a job. I will give three pieces of unwarranted advice.

Piece of advice number one: Expect unwarranted advice. Listen to it anyway.

Piece of advice number two: SSSSSSMILE!

Piece of advice number three: If when you tell people about what you do, you try to make it sound more complicated than it actually is … Stop it. I don’t have a reason for that one, it just annoys me.

Category:

Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Don’t Mess Up

This week I had a fancy work event which I was very nervous about. Generally at work I never do any public speaking. I will sometimes speak to a group of about 20, if it’s at a meeting for my manager … But that’s a casual atmosphere where I know everyone. And I am not doing any actual presentation.

On Tuesday morning I had to introduce my boss’s boss’s boss (I think it sounds more fun to say it that way than with titles). I was pretty nervous about this. I practiced the very brief (30 seconds or so) introduction to the point of memorizing the speech.

There are a few ways that seemed like ways I could mess up introducing Miss Boss’s Boss’s Boss:

  • In the middle of the introduction, revert to what I would often do while practicing, which was to say “blaaaaaaah!! I don’t wanna DO THISSSSSS!!!”
  • Accidentally imply she’s a cyborg
  • Wonder aloud how the audience thinks I’m doing
  • Picture the audience in their underwear (I’m not saying there weren’t good looking people there, but overall that would be a bad move for my vision)
  • Set an oscillating fan beside me, and mimic the fan’s behavior while speaking (you know, look to the left part of the room for a few seconds, gradually shift my gaze and look in the middle a few seconds, you get the gist) … Then at the conclusion of my introduction I would say, “Yes, it’s clear (so and so) is an impressive woman. I guess you could say I’m her biggest … fan.”

Thankfully I didn’t do any of those things. My boss’s boss told me I looked far too serious (which makes sense, I was nervous). I plan to ask him how I did overall … I have a feeling that’ll lead to a lot more jokes, but it’ll be good.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

Top Annoying Habits in a Workplace Bathroom

The top five worst things that can happen when you’re in the bathroom, etiquette-wise. I won’t get in to all the crazy potential catastrophes. I’ll also leave out the lack of hand washing (because I’ve already covered that).

My buddy Juicebox and I were talking about our least favorite occurrences at the work bathroom as a consequence of working with some people who are, frankly, weird.

1 – Walking up to the bathroom the same time as someone who is a chatter. Then you have to pretend to get a call, or go stare at the vending machine that is just past the bathroom, pretending you are considering getting something (I have done this many times).

2 – Being at a urinal next to a guy who does the “ahhhhh” like he’s advertising for Coca Cola and he just took the world’s tastiest sip. Gross, dude. You’re peeing, get over it.

3 – Being anywhere at all in the bathroom when a guy in a stall (or anywhere, but particularly if he’s in a stall) answers the phone. Then I feel like a weirdo because all I want to do is make gross noises  as loud as possible. I guess the person on the other line is aware that the call receiver is in the bathroom … but if not, I just got that dude in trouble, and I’m proud of that.

4 – This one is maybe not as common an annoyance, but it sure drives me nuts. People taking excessive paper towels. Wash your hands, shake them off a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. Come on! When I see a tiny dude taking a bunch, I want to say, “come on guy, let’s be real, you’ve got tiny hands.”

5 – Hearing someone turning document pages (you can hear the difference between a newspaper, magazine, and printed out papers). Who are you? Where are you taking these papers? Please tell me you’re going to throw them away!

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with: