The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for November, 2009

De Jour of the Week (11/23/09)

11/23/09

I was thinking about debt, and marriage, and how great you look in those pants – and I wrote this.

Til Debt Do Us Part

What I hear about marriages these days is bringing me grief
50 percent ending in divorce is the going belief.

And again, if what I hear is, in fact, right,
Money is to be blamed for this pitiful plight.

I’ll be honest with you, I’ll be upfront,
I’m not married, and as far as age?, I’m just a runt.

But take a minute, and see what I have to say
If this isn’t informative, it at least rhymes … so yay?

Many years ago a marriage ending was a minor scandal
Something that brought shame and pain and other bad things that are so hard to handle.

At some point, though, the climate changed
And divorce went from ’scandal’ to ’something that can be arranged.’

Change isn’t bad, in fact it can be quite good
In many cases embracing it will enrich your livelihood.

But when the ‘d’ word enters into your thinking
It’s time to sit down, and do some re-thinking.

Arguments happen, people fight, tempers flare, ‘things’ are said
But remember, you got married til someone dies, not til your marriage is dead.

If you can’t let things go, and ‘divorce’ may enter the conversation –
Take my advice, and take a vacation.

‘Til death do us part,’ is awfully severe
‘Til debt do us part’ is fun, and I can get you a package deal.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Animal Facts! (Black Bear, Squirrel, Dragon, Giraffe)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

Black Bear

Ft. Worth Zoo 108Claim to be the first to wear baseball hats backwards.

Confused loneliness with horny-ness once, but thankfully used protection. Vowed to never let it happen again.

Probably the most sports trivia knowledge, ever. It’s mind-blowing.

Came up with the cheer “strawberry shortcake, banana split! All you guys are playing like sh…!” At ‘sh..!’ looks around mock-bashfully.

Once had a delay in O’Hare airport in Chicago that lasted 22 hours.

SquirrelApril 2007 249Had a huge crush on Charles’ friend Buddy from ‘Charles in Charge.’

Look cute in a fedora.

Aren’t sure if you’re kidding when you’re being sarcastic.

Taller than you’d think.

Great rack.

Dragon

dragonYou won’t believe their stories – but, honest, they’re true.

Guilty pleasure of quoting Disney meetings during work conferences – but doing so on the sly.

Doesn’t watch baseball until the World Series.

Went to a nudist beach and giggled the WHOLE time.

Wikka-wikka-wikka-whaaaa?

Giraffegiraffe

When they go on trips they’re the ones that end up paying five dollars for a toothbrush at the hotel gift shop.

When they’ve been drinking they’ll admit it – they had four years of lessons on the accordion.

Think it’s funny to do an impression of Fred Flinstone, but instead say “yabba dabba don’t!”

Did just go there.

Don’t own any loafers, but are always on the look out for a good pair at a great price.

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Animal Facts

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Weekly Wacko (4)

I never drank until college, and my mom learned that a fun way one day.

The summer before my senior year of high school, a neighbor moved and gave us tiny bottles of liquor since they didn’t want them to break during the move. Or maybe they wanted my family to get very slightly drunk.

I had come home from school and was hanging out in the kitchen, probably staring at our food and wondering why my mom hates me (we never, not once, had an endless supply of doughnuts).

A thought came to me.

“Hey mom … can I try a shot of whiskey?”

I explained to her that I wanted to see if it’s like in the movies. If I took a shot, would I then involuntarily sort of wheeze/cough?

It’s pathetic what a mamma’s boy I am.

She agreed to it, I won’t even guess at her line of thinking during all of this.

She opened the tiny bottle, got out a shot glass (which I was surprised to see), and poured me a shot.

I grinned, picked it up, pretended to be like some sort of pro-alcoholic, and boom!, took the shot.

One second.

Two seconds.

Cough/wheeze.

It worked! It was just like I’d pictured, except for just about everything, starting with the fact that my Mother poured the shot.

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Weekly Wacko

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