The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

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DumbFunnery Resume

DumbFunnery

dumbfunnery@gmail.com
@dumbfunnery (Twitter)

OBJECTIVE

Make that dollar dollar bill by writing the same kind of nonsense I currently write for free. This doesn’t make sense, it makes DOLLARS – just give me the money and laugh at my jokes. (Please.)

EDUCATION

  • Square-danced twice in towns you’ve never heard of

  • Self-taught for the most part

  • Been called “unbelievable” three times for various reasons

  • GPA: Private (But trust me it’s good)

EMPLOYMENT

Writing Letters to Ellen DeGeneres
Self-Appointed Mission from Myself
September 2010 – Present

  • Championing the revival of the USPS via weekly postcards

  • Entertains postal workers with well-articulated drivel

  • Unrelenting pursuit of some time on the chair, chit-chatting with Miss Ellen

  • Maintains a record of the crazy which is available at: https://dumbfunnery.com/dear-ellen/

Poet Laureate of Three Apartments (Units, not Complexes)
Family of “poets” has led to this genetic and well-groomed “gift”
October 2009 – Present

  • Arranged words to make phrases that end in words that rhyme

  • Inspired by friends and Ogden Nash

Champion of YouTube
Director, Producer, Editor, and Star
December 2009 – Present

  • Enlisted the help of a dedicated team composed largely of myself

  • Motivated by boredom and an ability to amuse myself greatly

  • Helping to prove that people really do put just about anything on the Internet these days

Honing My Self-Imposed Awkward State of Being Which is Source Material
Living the Dream, Man, Just Living the Dream
August 1984 – Present

  • Befriended numerous people while living in: North Carolina, Oregon, Korea, Alaska, Kansas, New York, Georgia, Arizona, Texas (Dallas), California, Texas (Houston) (Go Army Brats!)

  • Produced any number of imaginary versions of myself which are at once super human in skills, intelligence, looks, charm, charisma, and humility

SPECIAL SKILLS

Too many to name. Ask me about it in person sometime.

HONORS AND AFFILIATIONS

  • Comment from anonymous online website visitor, “Mom,” made the bold claim that dumbfunnery.com is the greatest place on the internet

  • Descriptions of my dancing range from being told I’m an amazing dancer, to looking like a “caterpillar”

  • Via my Twitter account (@DumbFunnery) I corresponded with a local celebrity (I made a joke to a local news anchor’s account, he responded with an “LOL”)

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The Lonely Adventurers

Little boys see danger
Where there is only a tree
Little boys see adventure
While escaping responsibility

Little boys grow up and make for great adventurers
But, have you ever stopped to wonder,
When they’re out shaking hands with death
If, when their body comes back, their heart’s all asunder

From Portugal to India, you opened the world, but,
Did you call out for your mama?
When on your death-bed with malaria,
Oh, explorer-great, Vasco de Gama?

You can circumnavigate with the best, Ferdinand Magellan
You sail with seemingly no hint of fear
But you couldn’t circumnavigate your need for a hug
As you died, pierced, by a bamboo spear

Here, fishy, fishy!, heeeere, fishy, fishy, fishy!
Where did you go, Jacques Cousteau?
And where are you now, exploring still?
Or are you cuddled up with a throw pillow?

Aging is terrible, said the fountain of youth, laughing
A quest to find it was the aim of Juan Ponce de Leon
He failed, dying of an arrow wound, and reconnecting with his youth:
The fetal position is great for when you’re poisoned and alone

Adventurers embrace risks and danger
They will go down in history’s annals
Often so close to their goals …
They only lacked stuffed animals

So … I really like this idea, but I don’t like this poem much. I’m throwing it out there with the best of intentions to re-write it at a future date. Really, being an explorer would be craaaaazy scary. And these guys (except Cousteau, the only modern one in this bunch) kept dying in foreign lands! (Not for no reason, they were often taking “unclaimed’ lands and killing or converting as they saw fit.)

Anywho, it’s “funny” (maybe interesting is a better word) to think of explorers dying, sad and lonely, in far-away places after living an incredibly tough-guy, amazing life.

Also I don’t like the concluding verse … But I chose to watch the basketball game rather than think about it. GO LOUISVILLE!

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An Ode to Old Guys at the Gym

Entering the gym locker room and oh Lord, here we go,
An older gentleman, naked, who I unfortunately now “know”

Old guys in locker rooms, what’s the deal?
With aging muscles showing the strength of veal

While your confidence could be considered wonderful
It doesn’t go well with your breasts, which are plentiful

There seems to be a natural correlation
The less appealing, the longer you take to change without hint of humiliation

There is always the same set of three –
I call them the croissant club, because they’re doughy and pasty

What’s your purpose? What cause do you serve?
What evil have I done to make this what I deserve?

I set down my clothes and begin to change quickly
When a naked man carrying his towel sits next to me

Why, naked man, don’t you wear your towel?
Why can’t you notice my gag-reflex-slash-scowl?

Maybe it’s my WASP upbringing and I’m a prude
But your hairy body is making me come unglued

Taking care not to have my bare feet touch the floor
I keep my head straight and stare at my locker door

Finished, I make for the exit as quick as can be
Head bowed as though I’m praying dutifully

And again, I feel anger and sadness flow
As a naked man cuts me off … going … so … slow

Finally! I’m out the door and ready to work out!
…The images of the locker room croissant club hang about

In a flash (no pun intended), their anti-underwear-wearing purpose is clear
They’re here to motivate, to inspire, to frighten, all to get you in gear

So come on, inspirers and inspirees, let’s all head to the gym!
But I’m going to change at home so I won’t have to see any of them

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