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Little Squirrel, Big Plans

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Here we see Edward Vil, he is a squirrel. He stands at 7.8 inches tall, he has 20/20 vision, and he is a scorpio. What you may not know, but may have guessed, is that he lives outside.

E. Vil is not your average squirrel, he has a peanut allergy and wants to destroy all humans. He is also not an especial fan of dogs or birds.

Surprisingly, he finds bears to be adorable, and loves going to sleep at night listening to coyotes howling.

If you happen to meet E. Vil, I would recommend running away or he may try to capture you and brainwash you to be a part of his evil E. Vil army. Confusingly, he may instead just want a hug or to talk about the Texans hopes for next season. (If you are confused by him wanting to destroy all humans AND liking the NFL, you clearly don’t watch much NFL.)

I’d also like to add, on a personal note, E. Vil is charming, funny, quick-witted, and very intelligent.

Also, full disclosure, while conducting the interview of E. Vil, he did in fact brainwash me.

 

 

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(Trail) Running Thoughts

  • M.C Escher must have designed this jog … I think it was uphill on the way out, and somehow uphill on the way back.escher_stairs
  • Oh man cereal is so amazing. I can’t wait to be eating cereal.
  • I feel like I’m in one of those westerns where someone gets dragged out to the middle of nowhere and they have to find their way back to humanity despite only having half a container of water and feeling deserted and afraid. Except it was my own stupid ambitions and energy and first half of the jog self that dragged me out here.
  • Is everyone I jog by less tired than me? I think everyone is less tired than me.
  • Woah. I feel like I must have looked like a STUD taking that hill! Man, I feel good! (2 seconds go by) Oh God. Time to stop and walk for ten minutes.

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    Once I can jog this trail by my house without stopping to walk I’ll allow myself to buy this shirt. A shirt like this has to be earned, you know.

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An Opening Act

Next on the stage is Mayhem and Eggs. You may have seen these guys at the local mall, one of them works in a children’s shoe store, and another one likes to go into the store prowling for single mothers.

Wait, I just had word from offstage, none of them have jobs. They just go to the mall to look for single mothers.

In addition to some of their hits – Jeans Shorts Lead to Mistakes? No, Jeans Shorts are Mistakes, and Canadi-Ann Curry, the Nicest Curry – they will be telling knock knock jokes, looking for a neighbors lost cat (Captain Sprinkles? Are you here??), and selling knives door to door.

To preempt the questions that will come up, yes, they have been informed they need to wear pants. No, we did not specify where they should wear those pants. Yes, we realize we set ourselves up for something stupid there … but we just love surprises!

Update from backstage, they are attracted to single mothers for two different reasons – 1, if they are mothers of very young children they are used to bad smells and have, and I quote, looser attitudes when it comes to using toilets on time, and 2, they are female and that’s what these guys are into.

Some of the other songs they’ll be singing include I Take My Tea with Soy Sauce and Dear God What Did I Just Drink. Though you may think those songs are related, they are not. But they are both secretly homages to the collective works of Louis L’Amour.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mayhem and Eggs!

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Louis L’Amour, inspiration for Mayhem and Eggs the band, and Mayhem and Eggs the breakfast sandwich, and also countless babies born in Montana.

 

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