The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

God Speed Ned Berderdle

Ned Berderdle
Was a tranquil turtle
He lived a bucolic life
Absent of strife
His life changed one morning
Without notice or warning

A young boy named Buck
Was out and about, running amuck
Buck was full of adventure and joy
And saw Ned as his newest toy
“I shall name you Ned Berderdle!”
Buck now had himself a pet turtle

Some grass, sticks, and a glass cage
Look in Ned’s turtle eyes, you’ll see turtle rage
Away from his fields, his creeks, his pasture
Ned had to get out, of this he was sure
Looking around Buck’s room, Ned felt delight
Future friends and allies filled his sight

Wesley Daniel the brittany spaniel
Allister Beal the cockatiel
Vincenzo Stupenzo Wog the frog
And Rod, just plain Rod, the wonder cod

“Gents,” Ned Berderdle said with a  nod
“New guy,” a smirk and a wink from the wonder cod

“You don’t know me, I’m Ned Berderdle.
“I’m a nice guy, a quiet guy, a simple turtle.
“I love the outdoors and living life free
“And what I’d like, no, love, is for you to help me.
“I don’t know yet how I’ll repay all of you
“But I will, if it’s the last thing I do.”
Ned stopped, a light suddenly clicking on
“WE COULD ALL ESCAPE! WE COULD ALL GET GONE!”

Rod, you remember him, the wonder cod?
He did not hesitate, neither hemmed nor hawed,
“But don’t you see, I’m a FISH
“Better here than on someone’s dish.”
While odd, and macabre,
Ned had to admit, he was a shrewd cod
“But,” Rod continued after his pause
“A jailbreak is always a worthwhile cause.”

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Fedora the Explorer

In this up and coming smash hit TV series you follow the adventures of Zigs (his actual name is John, but he insists that everyone call him Zigs … no one does).

Zigs is a 17 year old boy who loves the internet, trying to prove how right he is, and fedoras. Oh and one more thing – the ladies.

In the show we follow Zigs as he offers lessons in how to live – what not to say in social settings, what not to say online, and he speaks two languages! Fluent in obscure references and English, he happily translates.

“Oh you didn’t get that?,” he says to a group of disinterested listeners, “it’s simple …”

And don’t get him started on an opportunity to “help” a female. “That’s not how you use that,” he says on his second visit to a gym to a woman doing hammer curls, “here let me show you,” meanwhile you can almost hear Ricky Ricardo shouting out, “LUCY! I GOT SOME MANSPLAININ’ TO DO!”

Tune in this winter for a new kind of cringe-worthy that’ll make your insides hurt.

If you don’t get this post – the whole making fun of fedoras and associating them with a certain particular type of guy … I could explain, but it’s not funny enough to be worth the explanation.

Not my WORST, but …

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Indulgence 5000

Stressed out? Overworked? Need a break? Due for some relaxation? Overwhelmed by life?

Try relaxing to the maxing with the INDULGENCE 5000!

This new model comes with:

  • PS4 or Xbox 1
    • Comes with one controller and one game of your choice (not to exceed 60 dollars)
  • Exceedingly comfortable chair
    • Warning: You may never want to move again
  • Feed bag allowing you to do things (like playing video games) while eating, pre-stocked with a milkshake version of the number 10 at Taco Bell
  • Drink tube, full of Mountain Dew, with shoulder harness
  • 10 pack of adult diapers
  • 10 pack of XL wet wipes
  • When purchasing the Indulgence 5000, record several voicemails, these will be delivered to your mom’s phone once every three days
    • Prevents the family from knowing you have embraced the state of a wallowing farm animal

 

Don’t hesitate. Get the INDULGENCE 5000 … TODAY!

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