My mom gave me a haircut today (I wrote this when I was home). She gave my dad, brother and I haircuts while I was growing up – same(ish) great(ish) haircut, same great price!. She was the Henry Ford of haircuts, we could have any haircut we wanted as long as it was the one she did.
Here were some overheard in the barber’s chair (a stool from our kitchen) snippiets:
Mom: Oof!
Minutes later.
Mom: Wow …
Minutes later.
[Mom asking for clarification on what I want.]
Me: I don’t know. Something that looks decent?
Mom: Well I don’t know what it’ll look like.
(Swell.)
Minutes later.
Mom: Oooh. Whitewalled.
Me: Good. I’ve been wanting to look more militaristic.
When I was in the fourth/fifth grade I got an awesome gift.
One of those blow-up three or four feet tall punching bags with sand at the bottom. You know the ones. One of the Ninja Turtles messed around with one of them in the second Ninja Turtles movie. Go to about 5:15 in.
My air-filled punching bag had Batman on it! Awesome!
It was Batman, dressed in his costume, standing somewhere (probably on a building), and it was nighttime. And his eyes were these perfectly white rectangular slits.
When you would walk in my room at night the punching-bag looked creepy because you could see the outline of the basic shape, a little bit of the picture on the bag, and Batman’s white slits/eyes.
Not long after I received this gift I was having trouble sleeping. Not just trouble sleeping, but consistent trouble sleeping. I would wake up nearly every night and toss and turn for a while before finally being able to fall back asleep.
I decided to play a prank on myself.
I set the punching bag right beside my bed, with Batman’s face looking towards me. With any luck I would wake up, freak myself out, laugh, then go back to sleep (this is fourth grade boy logic).
It worked perfectly!
I woke up – freaked out and yelped (it is not comforting to wake up with two slits/eyes staring down over you in your bed), then pushed the bag away, having completely forgotten that I had done this to myself. Naturally, the bag goes down, then …
When the bag came back up I didn’t fight but this time backed into, slammed into, rammed into, my wall.
Then, I remembered.
Had anyone else done this prank to me I would’ve been furious.
“I couldn’t sleep at all last night! And you totally creeped me out! And you’re stupid! And blah!”
But I just laughed. And laughed. And wasn’t that funny how perfectly it worked out?
I tried doing this trick to myself a bunch of other times but I never got anywhere close to the results I had that magical night.
I guess it’s like they say, “fool me once Batman watching over me in my sleep, shame on you. Fool me twice? I’m such a weirdo.”
Well friends, sometimes you come out a winner, sometimes you recommend a book with a masturbation scene to a random high school girl.
I was out and about tonight after work and I decided to swing by Borders. I enjoy checking out their books, so then I’ll have things to buy from Amazon or the Half-Price Book Store by me. Sorry Borders, your prices suck.
While walking around I noticed that a teenage couple had grabbed a Borders clerk for help. Then, four Borders clerks were there. They were talking, trying to figure out the problem. FOUR clerks! And none of them could solve this very simple problem. I had thought I had overheard it, and knew some books that counted, so I sauntered over (at that point I was not a pervert, but a smug nerd).
“What kind of book do you have to find?” I asked.
“Oh, a fiction book written by an American author in the last 30 years.”
“That’s the only requirement?”
“Yeah.”
(Seriously – four clerks didn’t know this. Are you kidding me?)
Boom! I’ve got it! A book I had just been looking at, because I’ve heard good things. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I have not read this book but I have heard good things. Also, it looks like a short read and this girl wanted that. I picked the book up and handed it over.
Soon after I left I learned a little factoid, from Wikipedia: “The story explores topics such as introversion, teenage sexuality, homosexuality, abuse, and the awkward times of adolescence. The book also touches strongly on drug use and Charlie’s experiences with this.”
Specifically I learned about the masturbation scene from a friend who had read the book. Greeaaaat.
If the girl bought the book, and headed home and told her parents about the swell gentleman who helped her pick out a book for school … only to start reading it and think it’s some sort of weird, bookish, creepo pick-up move … I apologize. Sorry, chica.
I know those aren’t crazy topics, and any teen now would of course have seen it all already, but still … I feel like a creep.
In my defense I also recommended Steve Martin’s The Pleasure of My Company because I am a huge fan of that book.
DumbFunnery 