Front
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
The text of the postcard is
Dear Ellen,
The Monster Mash.
A ‘graveyard smash’ … What does that even mean!?
Also, Happy Halloween!
Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery
Attn: Ellen (10/31/18)
October 31, 2018
I Love You So Much That …
October 29, 2018
I’m going to let you suffer.
That’s right. I’ll know you’re suffering. I know I’m DEFINITELY suffering hearing you suffer. And we’re just going to sit here with this. And sit. And gnash teeth. And chant to myself about this is for your good in the long run.
Recently on my young journey along interstate parenthood I had a weird realization – true love is letting someone suffer.
Stay with me.
Remind yourself of a friendship or a past relationship where you really liked the person. But love? Eh. Not so much love. Or maybe you even felt some love toward this person but it wasn’t … you know, twist your heart, Of Human Bondage love.
If there was a decision that needed to be made with that person and it would require some hurt on your part, and that person’s part … would you make that call? Would you choose the harder right over the easier wrong? Maybe it was a conversation with a friend who wants to marry the wrong person, maybe it’s a young son who sits at his first soccer practice crying the whole time, or a young baby who is STILL a pretty terrible sleeper and so you’re revisiting sleep training which involves the sleep wave (i.e. lots of crying on that baby’s part).
If you love someone, really love someone, you’re likely going to make them suffer. Because your spouse / best friend / whatever is about to make an important career move and (shhh, you can totally tell it’s the wrong move!) or any of one million more examples.
The wise reader has probably learned that my wife and I are once again trying to get the kiddo back on track in regards to sleep. The last few nights I have whispered lovingly to him during the calming period before bed about how I love him so, so much and he’s going to suffer for it. It’s a really swell chat.
So go forth, reader! And choose that harder right, and suffer with your loved ones!
Ask a Moron: Do I Have Legionnaire’s Disease?
October 26, 2018
Great question, and I’ve got some great answers.
Are you now, or have you ever been a part of a legion? Then you probably have it. Follow-up question, what is a legion? Again, great question! It’s like a group of guys I think, probably French or into French stuff. Follow-up follow-up, what does it mean to be into French stuff? Do you like cigarettes and looking disdainful, or how about long thin breads? Then yep, you’re into French stuff.
When you hear the word ‘legend’ or ‘legendary’ do you recoil? You probably have legionnaire’s disease. (You are recoiling because the legions that combine to form this evil entity in your body known as Legionnaire are afraid of legendary things happening.)
Wait, you ask, there is an entity in my body known as Legionnaire? I don’t know. Maybe.
How dumb are you, you ask disdainfully? Who’s dumber, me or you, with your stupid legionnaire’s disease?
Am I just some rude jerk? Good question, your mom asked the same … LAST NIGHT.
And now a question for you: why are you walking away from me? Come back. Please. My defense mechanisms are strong and self-defeating and … you’re gone.
Do you like this movie? If so, you probably have Legionnaire’s disease.
DumbFunnery 
