The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Capturing a New Audience

August 30, 2012

I’ve decided that I think I want to capture a new audience.

Drunk people!

I’m not going to do this in some sad way like giving recipes for booze, or telling you where the best pizza is (that delivers). No! I’m going to do this in an intelligent, clever way.

I’m going to rely on drunks spelling errors!

Let’s say it’s 2:40 am. A few drunk buddies have just returned home. They are HUNGRY. Man why didn’t you get a frozen pizza or something you JERK. One of them, the least drunk, notices the computer. He sits down and pops up his favorite search engine (google), and types in:

“24/7 pizza delivery”

Only wait, he’s drunk.

“274 piza delifyry”

Oh, hello drunkard! No pizza here, just a bunch of hits for good ol’ DumbFunnery.com! Sure, they’ll laugh at me! Call me dumb, call me crazy, call me a drunk! But I’ll be the one getting all the drunk hits with my new, brilliant tagging system! Every post will be tagged with something clever like:

  • piza
  • chnese food sale
  • drunk funy
  • unsnd txt messag
  • hot ttis chck
  • cragslst misdd msisd missd connectins

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Attn: Ellen (8/29/12)

August 29, 2012

Front

ellen degeneres

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

ellen degeneres

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Even though a surfing koala is pretty well-established international code for “11 day trip to Australia,” I’ll spell it out.

I recently took an 11-day trip to Australia!

Don’t you fret – I’ll be sending you a couple postcards to tell about it. Consider this the cover page for my autobiography via postcards, “Internationally Dumb, and Other Can’t Miss Recipes.” It’s a work in progress.

Sincerely,

DumbFunnery.com

Why am I sending these postcards?

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Horoscopes, Vol. 1

August 27, 2012

Aries | March 21 – April 19

The world will rejoice, and cherish you this week, when your overuse of ironically saying, “you go, girl” gets you beat up – and serves as a warning for all to stop saying that.

Taurus | April 20 – May 20

Lady luck is on your side this week, said no one to you.

Gemini | May 21 – June 21

Not content to let dogs lie, you will also let them cheat and steal this week.

Cancer | June 22 – July 22

Papa needs a new pair of shoes!

Leo | July 23 – August 22

While you are not normally argumentative, you can still best be described with a word that rhymes with witchocles.

Virgo | August 23 – September 22

Virrrrrrrgoooooooo. It’s fun to say it in a voice like you’re a fog horn. Come on, try it.

Libra | September 23 – October 23

A lot of positive energy will be heading your way this week, unfortunately it will be heading your way under the not so gentle hands of a drunk driver. Buckle up!

Scorpio | October 24 – November 21

Prepare for an emotional week, when your lack of sleep leads you to be a real pain.

Sagittarius | November 22 – December 21

Outlook: bleak.

Capricorn | December 22 – January 19

Your friends will come up big this week, when you guilt them into getting ice cream with you while you complain about your jerk co-worker, Tom.

Aquarius | January 20 – February 18

What do you call it when you and a “partner” get so blackout drunk that you manage to have a one night stand, two nights in a row? By Thursday, you’ll know.

Pisces | February 19 – March 20

Focus your energy, and hone your chi, or whatever. What do you expect, it’s the last horoscope – I’m all out of ideas.

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