Front
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
As an FYI, the postcard is from the grocery store close to where my parents live. It makes me happy how tacky it is.
The text of the postcard is:
.
Dear Ellen,
I’m going to re-introduce myself via bad haiku:
Just who is this guy?
Engineer. Hopeful author.
Future guest of yours!?!
GetBradStanley
Published.com
This postcard is the equivalent of an awkward hello. You’re welcome for that.
*Honestly I bet for every break up on facebook the majority of the comments are unwritten – and they’re probably, “oh they hadn’t already broken up?” Or, “jeez about time.” Unless you’re a hot girl, in which case male friends are suddenly full of worry and platonic (pffft) care for you. But maybe I’m just a punk.
Let’s say you have a problem with compliments. Not that you hate them (“what did you just say to me?? You think I’m attractive?! Oh HELL NO!”), and not that you don’t get enough of them (I heard every time Peyton Manning comes to the sideline he totally baits the hook – “that pass was only 99% accurate … ideally it would’ve been 3 centimeters to the left of its actual location.”)
No, the problem I’m speaking of, is that you don’t give enough compliments*.
*Having been told I am one of these people, on more than one occasion, I can tell you that this problem is, 100%, absolutely, undoubtedly your mom’s fault.
Moving on.
Here’s a little trick to help you, and me, out. Where can you go to find a ready-list of compliments? You could watch sappy movies, you could eavesdrop on romantic teenagers (“your braces are totally hot”) – OR … Check movie boxes.
“Lushly romantic and subtly sexy!”
Of course, you may have to change some of these. Try adding “you are” to the start of some,
“[You are] lavish and entertaining!”
Check out this very flattering, totally natural conversation I will have memorized to woo anyone, any time.
Me: “Hey! How’s it going?”
Other person: “Pretty good, thanks. How are you?”
Me: “Great! You know, you’re funny and dazzling and you have tons of family appeal!”
Other person: “Thanks?”
Me: “You know what I love? Battles of the sexes. And you’re just like a fabulously fresh and totally entertaining battle of the sexes!”
Other person: “That seems like it could be an insult?”
Me: “Two thumbs up!”
Other person: “Why are you talking like this?”
Me (lean in close): “You’re eternally funny … but subtly touching …”
Other person: “I’ve got to go.”
Me (whispering creepily as the person walks away): “You’re just like a historical thriller full of suspense, intrigue and adventure!”
DumbFunnery 