The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘bathroom’

God’s Watching You, and It’s Weird

When I was very young I had a conversation with my grandma that really impacted my outlook on religion. She was convinced that I had gone to the bathroom and had not washed my hands. This was annoying to me because I HAD washed my hands (duh grandma, I’m not gross). But she didn’t believe me. In her eyes I was a 3rd/4th grader, and therefore a slimy, dirty little kid (I think she found boys to be naturally more gross than girls – which may be accurate – but I wash my hands thank you).

I’m clearly still upset about the hand washing. (But don’t worry I have a solution for when people DON’T wash their hands!)

Anywho.

I went back and washed my hands. Again. When I left my grandma was waiting to give me a little speech. I have no idea what exactly she said to me, but I know in the speech she involved God and how He was always watching. He would know if I washed my hands or not. Of course the intention here was to permanently put the fear of God in me in the form of hand washing (one of God’s pet peeves perhaps?).

Except it didn’t work quite like that. One, because I had already washed my hands. Two, because it made me think God was watching me use the bathroom. This was a very unsettling thought.

From there the idea changed in shape some. The idea of someone seeing everything was too much for me to comprehend. (Yes, God is incomprehensible and all that, that’s cool, but … my mind won’t allow that, it’s too engineering-y) The way it worked in my head was that everyone had, in Heaven, a room full of VCRs (God worked with the latest technology of 1993/1994). The VCRs had recordings of your WHOLE life! Every single beautiful, sad, wonderful, and mundane moment.

And … the time you spent in the bathroom.

It was a neat little crisis of faith as a fourth grader to question if God was a perv. Ahh childhood, so innocent … and derailed into a wilderness of weird, from which I have never left.

Category:

Weekly Wacko

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Top Annoying Habits in a Workplace Bathroom

The top five worst things that can happen when you’re in the bathroom, etiquette-wise. I won’t get in to all the crazy potential catastrophes. I’ll also leave out the lack of hand washing (because I’ve already covered that).

My buddy Juicebox and I were talking about our least favorite occurrences at the work bathroom as a consequence of working with some people who are, frankly, weird.

1 – Walking up to the bathroom the same time as someone who is a chatter. Then you have to pretend to get a call, or go stare at the vending machine that is just past the bathroom, pretending you are considering getting something (I have done this many times).

2 – Being at a urinal next to a guy who does the “ahhhhh” like he’s advertising for Coca Cola and he just took the world’s tastiest sip. Gross, dude. You’re peeing, get over it.

3 – Being anywhere at all in the bathroom when a guy in a stall (or anywhere, but particularly if he’s in a stall) answers the phone. Then I feel like a weirdo because all I want to do is make gross noises  as loud as possible. I guess the person on the other line is aware that the call receiver is in the bathroom … but if not, I just got that dude in trouble, and I’m proud of that.

4 – This one is maybe not as common an annoyance, but it sure drives me nuts. People taking excessive paper towels. Wash your hands, shake them off a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. Come on! When I see a tiny dude taking a bunch, I want to say, “come on guy, let’s be real, you’ve got tiny hands.”

5 – Hearing someone turning document pages (you can hear the difference between a newspaper, magazine, and printed out papers). Who are you? Where are you taking these papers? Please tell me you’re going to throw them away!

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Du Jour of the Week

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Check Out These Abs?

I think the internet has made the prevalence of the bathroom self-portrait fairly common knowledge. It’s you, alone, taking a picture using the bathroom mirror.

For guys the picture may include you being shirtless, flexing. There are a lot of varieties for the bathroom self-portraits.

These are easy pictures to make fun of. Girls I know who are on dating sites often eliminate guys if they include a single one of these check-out-these-abs pictures. I think these pictures must be doing something for some people though, because they’re still happening.

But wait.

What if the girls who respond to these guys know what the guy is REALLY trying to prove.

It’s not, “hey baby, check out these abs.” Don’t be silly! These shirtless hunks aren’t some brainless gym-rats, they’re the whole package. The picture is really saying, “hey baby, check out this clean mirror. And did you notice the sink? Impeccable. Not a single stray beard-hair or toothpaste stain. Yeah, I guess you could say I take care of my body, but more importantly, I take care of my house. Maybe … one day … our house? Think it over.”

Seen above is a picture of myself being one of these guys (but with a shirt on, I don’t like sit-ups). Because I am sporting a shirt, which makes me less of a tool, I decided to wear sunglasses and pretend to be aloof for my own self-portrait. I think that makes it equivalent to a shirtless photo.

Check out my clean bathroom counter and sink!

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Uncategorized

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