If I Was a Cat Burglar
Posts tagged ‘cat’
Animal Facts! (Crowned Hornbill, Antelope Ground Squirrel, Cotton-Top Tamarin, Blue-Bellied Roller)
Crowned Hornbill
Generally doesn’t realize he has no idea what he’s talking about until he’s about halfway through expressing his very wordy opinion on the topic.
Hands out hugs like pimps hand out slaps.
Ever since he learned how to move to the beat he’s been so … smooth.
Plays on a bowling team called the Smashtronauts.
Woke up Sunday, felt really tired still, decided God was infinite and would still be there next Sunday. Snooze button ENGAGED.
Antelope Ground Squirrel
Thinks ‘castration’ was the name of the government under Fidel Castro. Some thought he was making social commentary, but his true friends know he’s just an idiot.
Wants a really ‘organic relationship.’ He has no idea what that means, but it sounds healthy.
Has been drunk in a plane, a train and has a bottle of wine and a cardboard box with his name on them at home for tonight.
Sometimes feels like Atlas – not that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but that he’d look like a cool statue.
Far too worried about making a good impression to have any shot of making a good impression.
Cotton-Top Tamarin
Would describe his mood as gritty and emotional.
If he was a function the input would be food, liquid, air and the output would be your face. Zing.
For God’s sake, no more pet cats for this guy. He’ll never find a date.
A gentleman doesn’t tell – and thankfully he’s no gentleman.
He’s got music in his soul. Unfortunately it’s on repeat. And it’s Wham’s greatest hits.
Blue-Bellied Roller
Saint-like, but only in his ability to be celebrated after he dies.
Odd ability to locate studs in walls. Slutty ability to locate studs in bars.
Jaw-clenches with the best of them.
“Well I’d like to, or, at least, but … well, (nervous laugh), nevermind.” This is his impression of every Hugh Grant character.
Was willing to make the final sacrifice until he learned, “seriously!? THAT’S what that means?? It’s so … PERMANENT!”
Young Single Guy with a Cat
Recently I had my birthday (my year in review video). I am now a 27 year old single, straight guy.
And for about 2.4 seconds I considered getting a cat.
Here’s what happened in those 2.4 seconds:
How others would see me:
- Oh, I guess he’s stopped trying to date?
- “Your roommate? … Oh you were kidding. Your ‘roommate’ is a cat … Sure, that’s a good joke. I’ve gotta go now. Forever.”
- Somebody needs a hug.
Possible Cat Names:
- Shiny von Stinkface
- Meowser
- Gisele Jolie Bieber (I would tell countless cat stories, and those names along with the word ‘cat’ would lead to waaay more hits for my blog)
Weird Frame-Worthy Pictures of My Cat and Me:
- The cat with a New York Times propped against her, and me playing with a ball of yarn.
- Have a friend throw the cat at my face – with the picture taken just before my face is scratched off.
- The cat on a chair, me behind it (like your classic boring couple photo). Talk about fantastically creepy.
Also while looking for weird links for this check THIS OUT. Who knew plenty of fish had a message board, but what a brilliant post! “Do guys with cats stay single forever?” How lovely.
DumbFunnery 
