The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘emotional’

Animal Facts! (Crowned Hornbill, Antelope Ground Squirrel, Cotton-Top Tamarin, Blue-Bellied Roller)

Crowned Hornbill

Generally doesn’t realize he has no idea what he’s talking about until he’s about halfway through expressing his very wordy opinion on the topic.

Hands out hugs like pimps hand out slaps.

Ever since he learned how to move to the beat he’s been so … smooth.

Plays on a bowling team called the Smashtronauts.

Woke up Sunday, felt really tired still, decided God was infinite and would still be there next Sunday. Snooze button ENGAGED.

Antelope Ground Squirrel

Thinks ‘castration’ was the name of the government under Fidel Castro. Some thought he was making social commentary, but his true friends know he’s just an idiot.

Wants a really ‘organic relationship.’ He has no idea what that means, but it sounds healthy.

Has been drunk in a plane, a train and has a bottle of wine and a cardboard box with his name on them at home for tonight.

Sometimes feels like Atlas – not that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but that he’d look like a cool statue.

Far too worried about making a good impression to have any shot of making a good impression.

Cotton-Top Tamarin

Would describe his mood as gritty and emotional.

If he was a function the input would be food, liquid, air and the output would be your face. Zing.

For God’s sake, no more pet cats for this guy. He’ll never find a date.

A gentleman doesn’t tell – and thankfully he’s no gentleman.

He’s got music in his soul. Unfortunately it’s on repeat. And it’s Wham’s greatest hits.

Blue-Bellied Roller

Saint-like, but only in his ability to be celebrated after he dies.

Odd ability to locate studs in walls. Slutty ability to locate studs in bars.

Jaw-clenches with the best of them.

“Well I’d like to, or, at least, but … well, (nervous laugh), nevermind.” This is his impression of every Hugh Grant character.

Was willing to make the final sacrifice until he learned, “seriously!? THAT’S what that means?? It’s so … PERMANENT!”

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Animal Facts

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Animal Facts! (Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar)

*This post is motivated by my somewhat real, somewhat joking love of jaguars (the animal – though the car is nice too). For the history, see my twitter account background, @haikustanley or this post. Also this post is fun.

Jaguar – Physical


Friends call him ‘the regulator’ because he regulates other species’ populations.

“Awwwwwww, look it! Ahhh! He’s eating me!” The person who said this was very proud to have been eaten by a jaguar. (I’m guessing.)

“Other animals are intimidated by the jaguar.” (A direct quote from my 4th grade report.)

If he had to get a corporate job, it would probably be in sales. That’s not really interesting, just saying.

True story: he went to get a tattoo and the tattoo artist said, “ok, what do you want?” And the jaguar said, “I don’t know. Something that looks cool.” The tattoo artist said, “no problem.” Four hours later the jaguar had a little tattoo of himself.

 

Jaguar – Emotional


Don’t have a fear of commitment, have a commitment to fear.

Have loved, and lost, and danced like nobody’s watching. Haven’t been to Disneyworld though.

Can’t bring themselves to buy a ‘proud parent’ bumper sticker, but the sentiment is all the same.

Has three emotions: badass, sleeping, other. The ‘other’ category has things like fear and sadness and normal stuff like that.

Wake up full of pity. Wait, no, hunger. Sometimes both.

 

Jaguar – Spiritual


The animal version of a job fair. If you think this doesn’t make sense, you’re right.

BOOM! (That’s what they say randomly, spiritually that is.)

If their aura had a noise it would be the song ‘Duel of the Fates.’

The first time a jaguar found out it was revered as a religious symbol it went and told its dad. The dad chuckled and shook his head and said, “son, you just met your first recruiter. Those guys will say anything to get you to join the Marines.”

Give hugs that could kill a man with how much emotional comfort they provide.

 

Jaguar – Bradual


Sometimes lashes out at zookeepers.

Uses the word ‘pounce’ in 4 out of 5 sentences.

Like real jaguars, marks territory with waste or by clawing trees. Unlike real jaguars, dances while he does these things.

Acts on instincts. Neurotic, weird, pizza-loving instincts.

Drools more than should be legally allowed.

 

The Pictures Above

1) Jaguar – Physical: A tiny toy jaguar from the San Antonio zoo. Behind it is a crappy painting I did for my sister.

2) Jaguar – Emotional: A picture of an actual jaguar.

3) Jaguar – Spiritual: A picture from the 4th grade report I did on jaguars. Come back tomorrow to read the report!

4) Jaguar – Bradual: The notebook I used for the report. The 4 stickers were used to cover when I spelled my name wrong.

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Animal Facts

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