The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘cookies’

Mother’s Iced Oatmeal Cookies

Mom: Did you hear my big news?

Child: Uh … yeah … Dad told me …

IMG_20190331_194006607Mom: Well!? Isn’t it just such a wonderful idea!?

Child: Uh … yeah … it’s exciting, mom.

Mom: Everyone has just always had such wonderful things to say about my cookies! And now everyone in the world can have them since I’m going into business!

Child: Yeah, your cookies …

Mom: Yes?

Child: They … keep. They keep better than any other cookie. Fresh or three weeks old, you can’t tell a difference.

Mom: Well, what an unusual compliment!

Child: I mean they’re good … It’s just like … Every time you have one you’re like, ‘oh yeah. This flavor.’

Mom: Now everyone will know that same delightful experience!

Child: Maybe you could have a recipe on the back to make something else with the cookies.

Mom: Like a cookie pie?

Child: No I was thinking like … a shed. Or the hull of a shipping vessel.

Mom: Hmm. Your dad said skyscrapers.

Child: Oh yeah! That’s a good one, dad.

Mom: Well. You can’t have any of these that are about to come out of the oven.

Child: All right! Thanks mom!

Mom: …

Attn: Ellen (12/19/18)




Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This year I’ve secretly been telling people ‘Mary Christmas’ because this girl I know, named Mary, likes bringing home-baked cookies to work so I hope that … aw crap, just remembered her name is actually Joan.

OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


Christmas Cookies!

Every year as far back as I can remember my family has decorated sugar cookies during Christmas. It’s a great tradition. Largely because the cookies are delicious, and then they’re coated in frosting (mix powdered sugar and milk until desired consistency achieved, add color) … It’s so simple, and amazing.

One of the “rules” with the cookies is that if you break one while decorating it, it’s just no good to have on display so you have to go ahead and eat it. Oh so many fumbling fingers come Christmas time just can’t help but break a tree-shaped cookie in two.

Here are a few samples from this year’s decorating.

Most of my proud creations

Christmas Cookies

My Niece’s Artwork (in Cookie Form)

Christmas Cookies

My Crowning Achievement (Inception in Cookie Form)

Christmas Cookies

Home, I Miss Ye

Christmas Cookies

De Jour of the Week (1/28/10)


McDonald’s at my desk + constant document reading = this poem.


Hi, hello, how are you! – it’s my first day
This is my background, how bout the weather here … this is all I say
“Here’s some reading material, have fun figuring it out, mmmk?”

Sure boss, no problem, I’ll hop right on it
With my determination and desire to succeed I am equipped
I’ll give it the old college try and these documents will soon be whipped.

Wait, what’s that acronym mean?
Whatever the hell they’re talking about is TBR, TBD (it remains to be seen)
Am I supposed to remember all this? I’m not a machine.

A list, my list, and what a list
I’ll keep track of all the acronyms so nothing will be missed
But with each new entry the list goes from scary, to scarier, to scariest

Soon I’ll become some sort of acro-maniac
Which is sort of like a brainiac
But a very limited one because it’s mostly a painiac-in-the-neckiac

And, what’s more, it’s ruining my personal life, and that’s no lie
A girl walked by, she smiled and said “hi”
And all i thought was ‘Hawaii? high integration? hypervelocity impact?’, meanwhile the female goes bye-bye.

Alphabet soup in a bowl is delicious
Alphabet soup on a page is malicious
And my ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ are getting vicious.

So don’t mind me, the new guy, sitting in my cube and having a cow
With my worried eyes, wrecked brain, and a ten foot scowl
What!, free cookies in the break room!?! I feel better now.

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