The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

De Jour of the Week (8/30/10)

Super Elite First Tier Gold Status Contributor

I graduated college, and what’s this!, I found a job!
This was great, for I couldn’t be considered a slob.
Yes sir, I’m gainfully employed and corporate now
Look at my nice shoes and ziplocked lunchtime chow.

I’m all set, I’ve got a handle on this adult ‘stuff’
Then in the mail, my school tells me I’m not up to snuff?
“Congratulations, Dear Graduate, you’re quite the lad,
And gainfully employed to boot? We’re all so glad,”

I smiled to myself and thought ‘isn’t this nice,’
While I paused and looked around my cubicle/office,

“Now that you’ve graduated – you should know,”
The letter continued, get ready, here we go,
“For only X dollars a month you’ll have gold status
“And a kindly-worded thank-you note from some professor emeritus.”

‘Well, ok,’ I thought to myself after some time,
‘X dollars a month, I suppose I make good enough dime.’

Some time passed and I got my lovely note
That professor sure knows how to copy-and-paste dote.

“Dear gold status contributor,” a new letter came,
Would you believe I was happy at first (was I insane?),
“You know, you’re great, we love you, you’re perfect, here’s the thing,
“It’s only X dollars a month more for First Tier, so come on and ch-ching!!”

‘Well, since I can give, I’ll give’ my kinder side gently voiced
I thought of scholarships and grants for kids and tears made my eyes moist,

“Dear, dear, lovely, kind, passionate, giving, angelic sir,”
The next letter seemed not just desperate, but desperater
“You’re so close to the next status level … Elite!
“So get the lead out, and to the bank with fleet feet!”

The letter informed me of a potential thanks from so-and-so
And, though I hadn’t heard of him, it seemed too good to say no.

Reader, I’ll tell you, I went wrong somewhere along the line
I’m not saying don’t give money, that’s all fine,
Just be careful when you donate money or help a little bit
A letter here, an email there, a friendly call – they’ll do anything for a hit.

While you may be smart, with an over-flowing brain that’s celebrated
I’ll tell you, if you’re not being manipulated, you’re being re-manipulated.
So listen closely when I tell you this last fact, and don’t listen with callous –
For only x dollars a month you can buy off me my Super Elite First Tier gold status.

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De Jour of the Week (8/4/10)

I saw the headline to get you to click on this CNN video, and the headline was “If a shark Attacks, hit it here.” And yes, I’m pretty sure they had the A capitalized on attacks. No idea why. Anyhow – it inspired this poem.

If a Shark Attacks, Hit it Here

(by Jaws’ cousin, Todd)

The news comes on every day
With the same basic message said in a different way:
Death, struggle, triumphs and tribulations
Caused by taxes, toil, emotional and physical ammunitions.

BUT!
For the short summertime we sharks are in a rut
It’s “shark attack” this and “beach advisory” that
You’ve got this blame-game down pat!

The world continues with its usual woes and wails
But the ‘exclusive-interview-with-the-survivor’ ship sets its sails
A story called ‘In case of shark attack, hit it here’?!?!
But the hit has already been delivered, my dear.

You think I’m all instincts, not intellectually smart –
But I’ve also got a tender, feeling heart –
So the next time you hear, “man fends of shark!”
HARK!
That’s slander!
Please don’t insult me by taking a gander.

Now if you’ll excuse me,
Above me I see
A very slow, long-limbed seal
And he’ll make a delicious meal
(But wait – do seals have long limbs?
Ah well!, like cousin J said, “it’s bound to be delicious if it swims!”)

Oh yeah and I’ve got a Facebook page now called … ready for it?! … “Get Brad Stanley Published.” Join up!!

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De Jour of the Week (7/25/10)

Tomorrow I return to regular work. Bleh. Fotima and I threw in “Real Genius” and she said, at the title screen where you select to play movie or for specific chapters, “this looks dangerously nerdy.” Heck yes.

Vending Machine Wisdom (or Vending Machine Whore)

I have a simple recipe
For which you’ll soon thank me

Your boss is going to have a meeting,
(They’re always kind of a beating)
So, naturally, it’ll be better if you’re eating!

Do like me –
Act stupidly.
Seek respite
With a sugar-filled bite.

If your day is dragging, just mix
The dullness with some Dunkin Stix.

Keep out the paddle-piddle,
Pop in your mouth a delicious Skittle.

The intern gave you the finger?
Ignore it, and eat a Zinger.

Since there’s that meeting you can’t skip,
Bring your friend and mine, the Sun Chip.

If you’re a more health-conscious snacker
You can have a (lame)non-frosted Animal Cracker

Don’t let that report linger,
Treat yourself to a Butterfinger!

The email you’re reading is painfully dumb,
Time to taste the terrible sugary goodness of Zebra Stripe gum.

A thousand ‘atta boys’ aren’t worth an ‘awwww shit!’
So you’re hiding in the bathroom with a Whatchamacallit.

‘Oh no, this is wrong, wrong, wrong!’
Your angry stare goes soft … can I have that Ding Dong?

Soon you’ll be Mr. (or Mrs.) Productivity!
And after your insulin shot you’ll smile proudly!

With a sugar rush your day is less of a bore,
So do like me, become a vending machine whore!

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