The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

Top 5 Places It’s Bad to be Tall

1. Airplane – this one is fairly obvious, airplanes are crammed for anyone, let alone Legs McGee over here. (This also applies to long road trips. If you’re flexible then you end up looking like a weird spider-human, legs sticking out all which ways (it’s creepy).)

2. Couch surfing – “I know the couch isn’t that long but you can curl up,” curl is the imperative word.

3. Public bathrooms – woe is you the day a fellow tall man walks in and you, having just stood up in a stall, make eye contact with him.

4. Any place older folks are (if you are not athletic) – no I didn’t play basketball, and yes I’d like to hear about how I am a waste of perfectly good height.

5. Cube farm workplace – where’s … Oh I see him. Also: be very cautious if you work with short folks who are fast walkers, you don’t want to round a corner and accidentally be an NHL enforcer board-checking them.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

Do Not Use Electroshock Therapy

This post was inspired by a work email that included this sage piece of advice, if you are bitten by a rattlesnake one of the things NOT to do if bitten is: “Do not use electroshock therapy.”

 

***

“John! JOHN!! HELP!!”
“Doug? Doug, what’s going on?!”
“A snake just bit me! I think it’s a rattlesnake too!”
“Oh my God! Is it still closeby?”
“No … No, I was in the woods when I got bit, so I ran out to this trail to find you.”
“Ok good. Ok … Ok. Umm, so first of all stay calm. And – ”
“I have the area of the bite below my heart so that -”
“Oh yeah! Yeah! You want to minimize blood flow or something. Ok yeah. So … ok it’s coming back to me some … Uh …”
“I remember no aspirin because it can increase bleeding.”
“Yes! Yes! Good memory! Um … OH! DUH! Electroshock therapy!”
“…What?”
“Yeah. How could I forget? People always make fun of me for having this travel version home electroshock therapy kit in my trunk, so you’d think I would’ve thought of this right away … I tell ya, it’s funny how the mind works, it’s like this one time – ”
“DUDE.”
“Right! Be right back!”
“Wait! … NO! … Dang it … Why does he want to give me electroshock therapy? Is he thinking I imagined this whole snake bite and he’s a therapist from the 30’s? What kind of awful solution is shocking the hell out of me? ‘Were you bitten by a snake?’ ‘Yes’. Bzzzzz. This is just so -”
“Hey! I ran back as fast as I could. Ok, so if I remember right it’s like jump starting a car.”
“I AM NOT A CAR.”
“Dude, chill. I know that. This is for the snake bite. Desperate times I guess. I mean! … Not that this is desperate. Stay calm … Just … put these clamps on.”
“NO! NO! How is shocking me supposed to help!?!?”
“Uh … first of all it’s electroshock therapy … So … That makes a difference I guess. And second of all I’m not a scientist, but I guess the shocks are like a therapeutic measure that relaxes you so the venoms collect and drain out with the blood that you’re losing. It’s all good, dude. Just bite down on this towel so you don’t accidentally bite your tongue off and we’ll get your engine running again. Ha! Get it? Like you’re a car.”
“…Yeah, I got the joke.”

 

And that’s how Doug died.

 

(The advice is funny to me because it seems like common sense to me, when is electroshock therapy ever a good idea?, but also it’s funny because it has a sort of double negative … What NOT to do: Do NOT use electroshock therapy. So are you saying you want me to use electroshock therapy?)

 

Nurse Ratchet, why are you carrying that bucket of snakes?

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

If I Was a Grandpa …

HI KIDS. IT IS YOUR GRANDPA. I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS AND SAW A REPORT ON A THING CALLED A MEME AND I TALKED TO YOUR GRANDMA ABOUT IT AND DECIDED TO MAKE ONE FOR YOU.

I DO NOT THINK, AND YOUR GRANDMA AGREES, YOU ARE TAKING SOME THINGS THAT MAY SEEM BORING TODAY BUT IN YOUR FUTURE YOU WILL APPRECIATE, VERY SERIOUSLY. FOR EXAMPLE, DENTAL HYGIENE. ALSO, FIBER.

I FOUND A PICTURE ON THE INTERNET AND I AM TAKING IT TO USE FOR THIS MEME. I TRIED TO THE GOOGLE IT AND IT CAME BACK AND DIDN’T HAVE MY ANSWER SO I HOPE IT’S OK.

HERE IS ONE.

Concerned Raccoon 1

HERE IS ANOTHER.

Concerned Raccoon 2

HERE IS ONE I MADE TO BE FUNNY.

Concerned Raccoon 3

I ENCOURAGE YOU TO LOOK AT THIS AND KNOW THAT WHILE THEY ARE FUNNY THEY HAVE REAL ADVICE. GET ON THE YOLO APP AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT WITH INSTANT GRAMS. I ASSURE YOU THAT I KNOW YOU WILL TEASE EACH OTHER ABOUT YOUR OLD GRANDPA AND HOW MUCH HE WORRIES AND MAYBE IT FEELS LIKE I AM COMING IN LIKE A MY LEE CYRUS WRECKING BALL BUT I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

YOUR GRANDMA IS ABOUT TO SEND YOU 17 FORWARDS, SEVERAL WITH RACIST JOKES, SO PLEASE READ THOSE VERY CAREFULLY THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO HER.

LOVE OR WHATEVER,
GRANDPA

Category:

Du Jour of the Week, Pictures

Tagged with: