The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

The Egregious Eyelash

Oh of all things evil and unholy
Why did this have to happen to me …
Someone wasn’t satisfied with their home
They decided, with mischief, to roam

“Ugh!, why is their an eyelash in my breakfast!”
I stare at my cereal, betrayed, disgruntled at this mess
My body and food have colluded and crossed me
The egregious eyelash, drowning, laughs mockingly

But ah my foes, and oh my friends
That’s not where this story ends
You and I both know there is a worse crime
That makes the eyelash absolute slime

Your eyeball is a sea of calm and tranquility
You look on this beautiful world lovingly
And then MY GOD – WHAT – ACK – you internally yelp
You begin some facial acrobatics (like that’ll help)

One eye closed you make for the bathroom mirror
You look and the culprit couldn’t be clearer
Oh, of course!, it’s you!, you delinquent, hateful thing!
You decide it feels best if you stand there squinting

You gently pull your eyelid down – doesn’t work
You look left, down, right – you’re going berserk
You yawn to force tears, maybe you’ll send the problem flying
Instead you’re alone in the bathroom, awkwardly crying

Eventually the fiend leaves and your life can resume
Your outlook changes, gone is any hint of gloom
From such agony to sweet relief so quickly
I hate you eyelash, but I’ll admit, your departure was lovely

Eyelashes, you serve a purpose, or so I’ve been told
But frankly I am finding your antics a little old
You are abominable and I wish we were through
But I’ll admit, I’d look kind of weird without you

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Du Jour of the Week

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Dragon Con Highlights and Lowlights

Last week I attended Dragon Con which was, let me tell you, pretty disappointing. Talk about an all-time misnomer.

Me: Hi, I’m Steve. Why are you dressed as … what are you dressed as anyway?
Girl: I’m sexy Boba Fett.
Me: That’s … weird. Why … Well, whatever. I guess one thing I don’t like about dragons is that if a dragon came to your home and went to the bathroom you could literally drown in urine. Isn’t that awful?
Girl: Um … I’m going to a panel. Bye.

That was just one of the many failed attempts at conversations I had while I was there. Here I was, finally assembled with my peers. People who see dragons as the awful creatures they are, and yet no one would have a serious talk with me about dragon cons.

(Overhearing a group talking about fighting dragons in Skyrim)
Me: Hey! I couldn’t help but notice you guys were talking about dragons and I just wanted to say –
Person in group: I wish I could be a dragon!
Another person: Oh yeah! Imagine flying around, setting fire to stuff with my BREATH!
Apparently clever person in group: You already DO set fire to stuff with your breath. Here, have a mint.

At this point I was excited because it seemed like they were a funny, enjoyable group. Obviously they were being sarcastic because everyone knows you can’t set fire to things for fun, it would hurt the environment in an unnatural way and endanger people’s lives (as I have written about in my list, ‘Top 100 Worst Things About Dragons’). But then, they all started to chime in. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed.

Person in group: Hey … are you ok?
Me: I just … I expected this to be different.
Another person in group: What do you mean? This is awesome! We’re here with a bunch of other people who share our passions, so many people in amazing costumes … This is an awesome convention!
Me: A … convention?
Person in group: Yes …?
Me: Oh. I see.

It turns out I should have done my research. Dragon Con is not dedicated to people who want to talk about why dragons are bad. I almost Googled Dragon Pro to see how big their convention is compared to Dragon Con but I didn’t want to have that awful phrase in my search history … I guess if I had done that I may have avoided this mistake.

After realizing my mistake I ended up having a great time and meeting wonderful people.

Of course, I wasn’t the only one who had tough moments there … Again, my apologies Doug. You really are a wonderful human being.

Me: What are you, a transgendered April O’Neil from the Ninja Turtles?
Doug: No, I’m Doug.
Me: …

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Du Jour of the Week

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Running Thoughts, part 1

I am getting back into running long distances as part of my training for the Tough Mudder and, I’ll tell you, it inspires weird thoughts.

I’m not alone in this, as the author of The Oatmeal also described the same thing. Although he is much more popular, runs farther than me, faster than me, and is funnier than me. Classic jerk if you ask me.

This past Sunday I ran 9 miles in Galveston. It was a nice change of scenery from my usual long runs, but there was one problem: the mosquitoes (I have since realized that even where I live the mosquitoes seem to have taken over). The abundance of mosquitoes (and the long distance) took my mind to a weird thought …

I decided that mosquitoes are the world’s most intelligent species. Many years ago they began collecting blood samples from different animals all over the world and studying them. They would bring these samples back to local labs and look to see what animals were best at surviving. A utilitarian species, the mosquitoes (who were not at the time the same mosquitoes as we know them) realized something: they were not fit for survival.

The optimally designed rat finks.

These primitive mosquitoes saw, by their extensive research and studying, that the ideal form for survival was … well, mosquitoes as we know them today. But there came to be a disagreement in the community of mosquitoes. A gathering of all the chief researchers was organized and it did not go as planned. Instead of the group coming together with one optimal design for survival, a schism hit the group.

Each group had definite characteristics that could be noticed. Group A was more outgoing, social, and adventurous. They looked at the design idea for the mosquito and saw perfection.

Group B was more withdrawn. They often preferred to look at their conclusions on their own, in the dark, away from others. This group saw the idea of flying as needlessly dangerous. They presented a second idea. They claimed this would be just as hearty and could withstand anything the first design could withstand, and then some. Group B became … cockroaches.

So there you have it. That’s what I was thinking about while dog tired and staring at this beautiful scenery.

Galveston Texas

Galveston, TX

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