The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Keys to Successfully Watching the Super Bowl

If you are an NFL fan then by now you have heard all about Peyton Manning, Richard Sherman and Bob Barker.

Can Peyton legitimize his legacy by winning a second Super Bowl, moving his record in the big game from 1-1 to 2-1?

Can Richard Sherman back up his big words with big play? Can people forgive a braggart, or will on the fence fans cheer for Peyton because they don’t like a big mouth?

Will Bob Barker’s veiled, cryptic words on the last episode of “The Price is Right” that he appeared on be correct?

These questions will only be answered at the Super Bowl!

Grab some popcorn, chat with your friends (but during this game you chat DURING the game, not during commercials), and enjoy what happens!

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Pssst. In high school I had to read The Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. The next step was obvious – I had to write a paper on the book. I turned to the internet for help and one of the sites I found was incredible.

I looked up the book trying to find out the themes, motifs, the usual “beyond the words” kind of meanings that somehow English professors/teachers find so obvious but that always escape me. The site I found had exactly what I was looking for … except the author of the site was playing a practical joke.

The site described enough of the book accurately to convince lazy students that it was legitimate, but the site also contained a bunch of made up nonsense. It was one of the funniest things I’d ever read.

I could just see a student handing in a paper confidently, only to get back an F with a note, “there were no unicorns in The Heart of Darkness. The next time you try and fake a paper, at least look up the synopsis from a credible source.”

I didn’t want to actually have people thinking that Bob Barker had some cryptic message years ago that was somehow tied to this game (would you have really believed that?) … But maybe some future post I’ll do that.

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Attn: Ellen (1/29/14)

Front

Ellen155a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen155b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I feel like creativity can be like rain. Sometimes you’re so flooded something as routine as washing your hands can inspire some odd thought and laughter.

Other times you are suffering in a drought, wondering when it will rain again.

If this is the case, I think I’m on a brief trip to the desert, but I’m a wandering type, so it should be ok.

Meanwhile your brain must live in Seattle.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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Bronson. As in Brawn, Son.

I saw a guy wearing a Ferrari jacket and it inspired this post. (Please read in your best sleazy southern California voice, because that’s how he sounded in my head.)

Hey, what’s going on lovely ladies? Ok, sure, you don’t need to look at me, I know you’re listening. Let me tell you a little bit about myself and then maybe you’ll stop crowding together to deliberately keep me out of your circle of hotness. Circle, circle, hot, hot, now you got your Bronson shot.

Yeah. My name’s Bronson. I bet you’re trying to figure out my ‘specs.’ I’ll tell you. I’m about six feet tall, I can bench more than my weight, and I drive a fast car. What kind, you’re wondering? Look no further than between my bountiful pectorals … Yeah, I know guys don’t usually talk about their muscles as being bountiful, but most guys aren’t me. That’s the first thing you’ve gotta learn, gals, like a one hit wonder, I’m unique and charming in a way that will infuriate you but you won’t be able to get enough of me.

Am I saying I’ll get stuck in your head, with you singing my name all night long? No, I’m just implying it.

Anyway, my car, like me, is a rare thing of beauty. It’s a Ferrari. You can tell by my limited edition Ferrari jacket that I’m wearing. They only sold 1,000 of these things.

No … What’s your name? Bianca? Cool. No, Bianca, it’s not limited edition because it’s ugly and no one would want it – it’s limited edition because when it was designed they knew only a select few would deserve to wear this.

This jacket indicates that I have speed and power. Did you notice my name? It’s Bronson. My parents didn’t know what they were doing, but that basically breaks down into a phrase that represents me. “Brawn, son.” You can’t tell but that time I said brawn like b-r-a-w-n. It’s like a brag, but not really, because it’s me. I say son to other people because I have a lot to offer, I’m like a father to pretty much everyone I meet. If you have daddy issues you’ll probably like me more than even I would be used to, which is a lot.

Here’s another thing you’ve got to learn about me. You seem like nice, humble girls who wouldn’t want to brag. You might have a tough time being with me because you can’t say a fact about me without it sounding like a brag.

“That’s my boyfriend, Bronson, he got a forklift license for fun one summer. He did it so he could then get a large cardboard box which he painted to look like an elevator, and then he filled it with plastic forks …”

That’s just one of the anecdotes you’ll learn about me. It’s like this, I anecdote, and you dote.

Take some time and think about that. But don’t think too long, it’ll give you wrinkles and that’s not attractive. Bronson, out.

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