The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘NFL’

What’s Next?

Here is an interesting way to think about what businesses will die in our lifetime.

Instead of trying to think about what is next in a ‘disruptive’ sort of way, think about what you don’t like about a current business. And then, that might be the key that some other company uses (or the company itself will use) to change that business. A business ‘dying’ is loose, then, because Shell may die in its current form but still exist as Shell. Ok, let’s jump in.

Oh wait. Amazon is an interesting one. I worry about how powerful Bezos is, and his company, but my worry doesn’t exceed the amount of saved effort that company provides. Same goes for Google. I don’t like a number of things about Google, but BOY do they make life easier. My thinking is to discount moral objections, because laziness is the key here. What don’t you like about a current company / service?

empty gray metal shopping card near assorted plastic bottles

When the grocery store notices how much candy and sugary cereal I buy the staff will pitch in and buy me a self-help book.

Know what I don’t think is worth it? Going to an NFL game regularly.

  • What if there were more trains that took me to/from the game without effort. No traffic, no wasted hours of getting in and out of the game.
  • If the NFL was smart, when they are pumping a city for tax dollars to make you pay for someone else’s thing, they’d also get some money for mass transit.
  • That cost is harsh, and then you tack on any food or drinks? Brutal. AND the annoyance of getting up to go get stuff and missing some of the game.
  • This one is something the NFL itself will have to fix, and right now they have no reason to … But if they saw a drop in attendance, I bet some changes might come along here.

Know what is prime for AI and a better experience? Grocery stores.

  • The grocery store involves a lot more thinking, walking, and repetition than is necessary. You go to the grocery store and let’s say 50% of your list is the same every time.
  • Why do you need to go pick all these things out, if you have a grocery store membership card your store already knows exactly what your habits are.
  • Why should you have to bother with finding a new recipe that aligns with what you like when the grocery store can do this for you? Again, they track everything you buy (assuming you have one of those cards) so they can see that you’re trying to eat healthier based on your trends, they can see that you’re into whole wheat pasta, lemons, and chicken, so why not have the grocery store propose a new recipe for you? AND, while you’re at it grocery store, why don’t you go ahead and just have a little robot put together my common things in one container, and your suggested items in another container, and have that waiting in a cart for me. (You could ping the grocery store via their to be built app and then boom, their little robots will run off and compile your cart.)

Know what everyone is sick of? Washing their hands.

  • Poop particles, are they really so harmful?
  • Nah I’m just kidding.
  • But what would really be nice is a tiny robot who would pop out of my desk and put some lotion on my knuckles so that my hands don’t hurt AND I don’t have greasy lotion fingers (and keyboard).

So back to you, dear reader. What’s next?

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Decision Tree – Should I Riot?

Recently the Philadelphia Eagles won the super bowl. I was, and am, happy for them (but honestly, more happy the Pats lost). But, Eagles fans … I apologize. I should’ve provided you with this before the big day … but I had no confidence in your ability to win. (New Englanders would’ve taken a victory in stride as it is par for the course for them.)

Next time, <unexpected victorious city>, check this out first!

post

Attn: Ellen (9/14/16)

Front

ellen277a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

ellen277b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Football is back! And with it, the celebration of intellectual mediocrity! So and so is big, and strong, and can recognize patterns after being taught for a week. Kudos, guys. You’re on par with dolphins.

That said, I do really love football. Gooooo sport!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

This weekend I welcome college football back into my life. Saturday SMU will play North Texas, a game that SHOULD be a game SMU wins, but you just never know.

The next weekend SMU plays again, this time against Baylor. A game I will describe as “missable” since I am pretty sure SMU will be a tune up for Baylor. However, West Point will be starting its football season with a game against Rice. This is a game that West Point could win, and so I will be listening with anguish, grief, agony, you name it (that is, unless Rice jumps out to a 40 point lead).

The very next day, the NFL has its first weekend of action.

Oh yes, it is an exciting time … but also terrible.

If SMU or Army are playing a game they could win and they perform poorly, or they hang in there with a tougher opponent but snatch defeat from the jaws of victory … well, it is heart-wrenching.

I recently thought out loud to my wife, “I wonder if I’d be happier if I never watched sports.” She thinks I’m nuts. But it’s like a great book, you root for a character even if they always come up short, you celebrate their occasional victories with joy but you grit your teeth and brace for the worst while hoping for the best.

Come on SMU, come on West Point, defy expectations!

(As for the NFL side I tend to be less emotional … but the Cardinals and Texans do have their own little keys to my heart.)

A Quiet Conversation

Somewhere in the southern United States, in a locker room on a sleepy Tuesday, the only people left after a long practice are the quarterback and an offensive lineman.

Quarterback: Hey man, good practice.

Lineman: Yeah, man, just trying to keep you clean.

Quarterback: Oh I don’t mind getting hit once or twice, I …

Lineman: What? Say it, man.

Quarterback: Aw it’s dumb but … You know in games on TV when a quarterback throws right as he’s getting hit and you see him laying there, looking up to see if it’s a complete pass, and woah, it is, and the quarterback just stays laying there for a second like … super happy.

Lineman: Yeah I know exactly what you’re talking about. You wanna do that?

Quarterback: Ha. Yeah … I guess I … I guess I do.

Lineman: …

Quarterback: Ok. Well. I gotta go so I’ll –

Lineman: Wait.

Quarterback: Dude … You just gonna make fun of me for what I just said?

Lineman: No, no. It’s uh … I got one of those too.

Quarterback: Yeah?

Lineman: Yeah. Um. You know like, when a quarterback scrambles and gets a touchdown and he’s all excited?

Quarterback: Hell yeah I do! I did that last game man!

Lineman: Yeah! Yeah that was great! What a win, huh? It’s just … You ever see that chick flick Dirty Dancing?

Quarterback: Dude. I know exactly what you’re gonna say. I’m on it. Next game. I promise.

Lineman: (smiles ear to ear)

I’ll be honest, before I started writing this I figured it’d be the quarterback wanting the lineman to hold him but then I thought, “you know what? I bet it’s actually the lineman!”

First Openly Gay NFL Player

Recently a soon (probably) to be drafted football player announced that he is gay. This is newsworthy because he is the first openly gay man to be a likely NFL player.

People on all of the important channels and radio stations have been debating: will the gay community accept him?

Here’s this guy who has been hiding amongst the wolves (football players), the very group most likely to have caused such grief for so many openly or perceived gay middle and high school kids … And now he says, “I’m gay” and he just expects the gay community to welcome him with open arms?

I don’t think so.

Can you imagine him meeting a fellow gay person? “Oh, you play in the NFL? I admire their open-minded policies on … breast cancer awareness and Viagra.”

Edit: I’ve just been informed that this guy has been in the news NOT because of the question of how the gay community will accept him, but because apparently some big wig NFL people and NFL players think he might be a distraction. Some of the players are afraid the gay guy won’t be able to keep his hands off them. That’d be hysterical if it wasn’t so unfortunate.

Keys to Successfully Watching the Super Bowl

If you are an NFL fan then by now you have heard all about Peyton Manning, Richard Sherman and Bob Barker.

Can Peyton legitimize his legacy by winning a second Super Bowl, moving his record in the big game from 1-1 to 2-1?

Can Richard Sherman back up his big words with big play? Can people forgive a braggart, or will on the fence fans cheer for Peyton because they don’t like a big mouth?

Will Bob Barker’s veiled, cryptic words on the last episode of “The Price is Right” that he appeared on be correct?

These questions will only be answered at the Super Bowl!

Grab some popcorn, chat with your friends (but during this game you chat DURING the game, not during commercials), and enjoy what happens!

****

Pssst. In high school I had to read The Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. The next step was obvious – I had to write a paper on the book. I turned to the internet for help and one of the sites I found was incredible.

I looked up the book trying to find out the themes, motifs, the usual “beyond the words” kind of meanings that somehow English professors/teachers find so obvious but that always escape me. The site I found had exactly what I was looking for … except the author of the site was playing a practical joke.

The site described enough of the book accurately to convince lazy students that it was legitimate, but the site also contained a bunch of made up nonsense. It was one of the funniest things I’d ever read.

I could just see a student handing in a paper confidently, only to get back an F with a note, “there were no unicorns in The Heart of Darkness. The next time you try and fake a paper, at least look up the synopsis from a credible source.”

I didn’t want to actually have people thinking that Bob Barker had some cryptic message years ago that was somehow tied to this game (would you have really believed that?) … But maybe some future post I’ll do that.

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