The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Next Week on Survivor Kitchen Runway …

Down to just THREE contestants, who will make the grade and survive until the end in: SURVIVOR KITCHEN RUNWAY. Last week we saw Damien survive after a … daring … choice.

Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: Damien. Making a loin cloth out of hot dogs to wear in this kitchen in a remote jungle was a bold choice.

Attractive woman who dresses atrociously: Not only was the outfit you crafted not sufficient in covering you, in fact it was just plain gross, and it attracted wild animals.

Celebrity guest judge, Bob Villa: What.

Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: Despite those … no, BECAUSE of those bold, reckless, unintelligent decisions I just … (laughs) I want to see what you’re going to come up with next!

Sebastian, who covered himself in seasonings, and ate everything in his bag he was supposed to prepare, climbed a tree and slept. The judges kept him because Sebastian and the judges really bonded after last week’s meal, when Sebastian (accidentally on purpose?) included frogs in his recipe which had hallucinogenic effects.
And May, the sixty-seven year old sassy sex kitten everyone loves to hate.

Celebrity guest judge, Bob Villa: Please, please vote her off. She can’t be safe -May: Honey, I can be. And you can too, if you play your cards right.

(Audience ooohs.)

Attractive woman who dresses atrociously: May, when your oven stopped functioning because the generator connected to it died, and you decided to eat and throw up your meal, and then garnish it with … more vomit. It was clear you were in this to win this, and I respect that.

Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: You have some really, really good things happening and the fact that you threatened to have sex with me if I didn’t vote you on is –

Sebastian: Please … help.

Sebastian was falling out of the tree, May was being reprimanded for using sexual favors as a threat, and Damien may or may not have actually had hot dogs in his ingredients bag which begs the question – what was his loin cloth of “hot dogs” made of? Find out what happens next when we return with SURVIVOR KITCHEN RUNWAY.

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Come On, Tiger!

A coworker of mine has a sign hanging in her cube that reads “I’m so far behind I thought I was first.” I like it. It’s funny in a dorky way. On the downside, it occasionally makes me remember a less than enjoyable experience … my track “career.”

In the 7th and 8th grades my middle school had track and cross country teams. I ran both. For cross country I think I could say with a small amount of confidence that I was one of the fastest slow kids. If you split us up into two groups, fast and slow, I’d be a pretty competitive slow guy.

The cross country coach was also one of the track coaches, so when spring rolled around he decided I should do the 400 meter. It was a choice based on … I don’t know what. I was and am awful at sprinting. I suppose he thought it was a sort of mercy rule – let the kid run for a shorter amount of time so that his agony of defeat is quick.

In the 8th grade the coach decided I should do the 1,500 meters. That’s just shy of a mile. On the plus side – I’m better at longer distances. On the minus side … the agony of defeat could take a while.

I had a bad habit of not paying enough attention to the race itself. In cross country this didn’t matter because you were out in the woods or some fields and you were just going along. For track the very first meet of my 8th grade year I didn’t pay attention and it didn’t work out so well.

The 1,500 meter race is basically 4 laps around the track. Everyone started and we were bunched together. Pretty quickly the pack was separating based on skill. In other words, I was drifting to the back. I had one or two people behind me which I was ok with. I hadn’t expected to win, I just didn’t want to get last.

I settled in and was pushing myself a bit, and my mind went to a blank place. Bad idea.

On the fourth lap I was rounding a turn when some dad yelled out to me, supportively, “come on, tiger!” Come on TIGER? I thought. The heck is that? It was so … supportive and … wait, full of pity? Pity? WHAT? I took a look around and saw that I was in last place. This is an embarrassing thing to have happen. To be in last and not even KNOW you’re in last? Not impressive.

So, while my co-worker’s sign is not exactly accurate, I wasn’t delusional and thought I was in first, I really didn’t know I was in last.

In the end I finished that and only that race in last place. The pity cheer, that tone, was the exact thing I needed to motivate me to never finish last. I wasn’t good, I didn’t try hard enough at practices, but I was good enough to not be last.

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Attn: Ellen (5/27/15)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I’m not positive about this … It’s just a guess really … So please feel free to give your impression but … Do you think the artist here is trying to convey that this cat murdered its family and now is painting them as some sort of celebration?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. Do you guys block postcards? I bet there’s a meeting about that topic this week.

Why am I doing this?

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