The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘hot dogs’

Attn: Ellen (10/19/16)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

With baseball postseason here, or as I call it, ‘even more baseball,’ I’ve got a proposal to improve attendance for MLB’s 726 game season.

Have someone come out with a 9-sided die, roll it, and that’s how many innings the game will be.


“Hey honey, want to watch a bunch of guys stand around for 2 hours, 45 minutes, and sprint randomly for 15 minutes?”

With my improvement:

“Hey honey, want to watch a few innings of baseball, AND get hot dogs!?!”

I’m available for consulting, MLB.

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Next Week on Survivor Kitchen Runway …

Down to just THREE contestants, who will make the grade and survive until the end in: SURVIVOR KITCHEN RUNWAY. Last week we saw Damien survive after a … daring … choice.

Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: Damien. Making a loin cloth out of hot dogs to wear in this kitchen in a remote jungle was a bold choice.

Attractive woman who dresses atrociously: Not only was the outfit you crafted not sufficient in covering you, in fact it was just plain gross, and it attracted wild animals.

Celebrity guest judge, Bob Villa: What.

Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: Despite those … no, BECAUSE of those bold, reckless, unintelligent decisions I just … (laughs) I want to see what you’re going to come up with next!

Sebastian, who covered himself in seasonings, and ate everything in his bag he was supposed to prepare, climbed a tree and slept. The judges kept him because Sebastian and the judges really bonded after last week’s meal, when Sebastian (accidentally on purpose?) included frogs in his recipe which had hallucinogenic effects.
And May, the sixty-seven year old sassy sex kitten everyone loves to hate.

Celebrity guest judge, Bob Villa: Please, please vote her off. She can’t be safe -May: Honey, I can be. And you can too, if you play your cards right.

(Audience ooohs.)

Attractive woman who dresses atrociously: May, when your oven stopped functioning because the generator connected to it died, and you decided to eat and throw up your meal, and then garnish it with … more vomit. It was clear you were in this to win this, and I respect that.

Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: You have some really, really good things happening and the fact that you threatened to have sex with me if I didn’t vote you on is –

Sebastian: Please … help.

Sebastian was falling out of the tree, May was being reprimanded for using sexual favors as a threat, and Damien may or may not have actually had hot dogs in his ingredients bag which begs the question – what was his loin cloth of “hot dogs” made of? Find out what happens next when we return with SURVIVOR KITCHEN RUNWAY.
%d bloggers like this: