Written on my dear, comfortable couch on Sunday around lunch time while my dear wife is finishing up some “toasty turkeys” (turkey sandwiches that are thrown in the toaster oven for a bit to melt the cheese).
Step 1: Sit on a couch next to your spouse (or someone)
Step 2: That someone is watching a show you don’t care about but it’s stupid reality TV which is addicting and also it’s ridiculous and the comedy is hidden everywhere (the reactions, the phrasing, the heightened drama over small things, the catty talk, the way how in every episode someone says “this challenge is really personal to me” … I’m talking about Project Runway by the way)
Step 3: Sip coffee in the morning, sip water in the afternoon
Step 4: This is important: do ONE productive thing right off the bat in the morning (in my case, read some of a coding book or go for a long jog) … This enables you to feel like you’ve earned a little rest which turns into WHAT IT’S FIVE PM?! Well … what should we do for dinner? And then it’s time to watch NHL playoffs and whadya know, the day’s done, just push those to do list items til tomorrow
Step 5: Gotta go, they’re about to kick off someone
Down to just THREE contestants, who will make the grade and survive until the end in: SURVIVOR KITCHEN RUNWAY. Last week we saw Damien survive after a … daring … choice.
Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: Damien. Making a loin cloth out of hot dogs to wear in this kitchen in a remote jungle was a bold choice.
Attractive woman who dresses atrociously: Not only was the outfit you crafted not sufficient in covering you, in fact it was just plain gross, and it attracted wild animals.
Celebrity guest judge, Bob Villa: What.
Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: Despite those … no, BECAUSE of those bold, reckless, unintelligent decisions I just … (laughs) I want to see what you’re going to come up with next!
Sebastian, who covered himself in seasonings, and ate everything in his bag he was supposed to prepare, climbed a tree and slept. The judges kept him because Sebastian and the judges really bonded after last week’s meal, when Sebastian (accidentally on purpose?) included frogs in his recipe which had hallucinogenic effects.
And May, the sixty-seven year old sassy sex kitten everyone loves to hate.
Celebrity guest judge, Bob Villa: Please, please vote her off. She can’t be safe -May: Honey, I can be. And you can too, if you play your cards right.
Attractive woman who dresses atrociously: May, when your oven stopped functioning because the generator connected to it died, and you decided to eat and throw up your meal, and then garnish it with … more vomit. It was clear you were in this to win this, and I respect that.
Middle aged gay judge who is either tan or a minority: You have some really, really good things happening and the fact that you threatened to have sex with me if I didn’t vote you on is –
Sebastian: Please … help.
Sebastian was falling out of the tree, May was being reprimanded for using sexual favors as a threat, and Damien may or may not have actually had hot dogs in his ingredients bag which begs the question – what was his loin cloth of “hot dogs” made of? Find out what happens next when we return with SURVIVOR KITCHEN RUNWAY.