The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘eating’

Attn: Ellen (1/2/19)




Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I bet the first person who thought of removing the hair before they ate the animal they killed was revered with a god like status.

OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!


Jesus says ‘slow your roll, son! I hardly think you need thirds. Nah just kidding … Speaking of rolls, pass ’em down!’

Attn: Ellen (8/31/16)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This week my wife is visiting family, and I’m left with free time for some culinary experiments. For example, how many nights in a row is TOO many nights in a row to have chip dip for dinner? And, how much ice cream do I need to consume before my sweat is sweet instead of salty?

In the meantime, I am the yeti on this postcard and my belly is the fire-breathing dragon.

(Dear Wife,

If you have intercepted the mail: 1, tsp, tsp, that’s postal fraud and 2, please come home soon.)

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

My Zombie Roomy (8/16/11)

Remember when the Zombie was going through a weird weight-concerned phase? Well, it’s back. Only now it’s me who is concerned.

The Zombie has put on a lot of weight, and not like a human would. The Zombie has started carrying a backpack at all times, and it is insanely full. I don’t know what is in that thing but it must be from some fancy backpack shop like REI because how has it not broken?

I tried to look what is inside one time but he got angry and swatted me away. I told him I respect his privacy and wouldn’t look. He responded by offering a dance fight (our traditional Friday night thing if I’ve got no other plans). We danced for a while and I felt a lot better.

Until I noticed the jumbo-sized bottle of Gatorade with a hand in it.

However, I love a good joke, so I took out a bottle of regular Gatorade and said cheers, and the Zombie ate a hand while I drank Gatorade. Dance fights make me so thirsty.

It’s disconcerting how ok I am with the Zombie’s eating habits. I had sworn to myself that I wouldn’t let the Zombie eat in my house but now I allowed him to break that rule. We’ll see how this pans out.

De Jour of the Week (4/12/10)

The Last Bite

The menu’s placed in front of me
Each item looks like a delicacy
The promise of food makes me act so kindly

Yes, yes, yes, maybe, yes, ooooh! YES!
Now close the menu so I don’t second-guess

I order and await my feast
Licking my chops like some kind of beast

Ok, waiter, what’s up?, where’s the food?
I’m here for fowl, not a foul mood
You walk out with a plate! … but it’s for some other dude.

My anger flies out the window with the arrival of my plate
Don’t ever forget that food will always placate

The smells are wafting
Dig in and stop the small-talking

The first bite is delicious
The second bite is delicious
The third bite, the fourth bite, the fifth bite … delicious

Soon I take a deep breath to give myself a rest
I’m probably already full, but I still attack with a zest

A refill?, yes, please, my stomach skin needs a good stretching
While compliments to the chef, the waiter, the world – I’m singing

Ohh … ohhh no
Here we go
My fork-steering has gotten awfully slow

I’m full, I know it, why won’t I stop chewing?
Honestly I’m one bite away from moo-ing

Geez, it looks like I haven’t even made a dent!
This restaurant’s owner is some God-awful malcontent!

Do not pass go, do not collect 200 hundred dollars, go directly to stuffed and agitated
Just a short while ago I was upset because my hunger made me aggravated
And now I’m a balloon, a raft, a floaty – I’m inflated

But, I still need to take one last bite
My arm is moving, the food is coming at me, my body is angry at the sight

The teeniest, tiniest, it-won’t-make-a-difference sliver
The stomach just needs to expand a bit, so move aside liver

I hate food, I hate movement, I hate everything
The idea of eating out again is dizzying
And yet, the dessert menu is strangely tempting …

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