The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fun’

Smooth Criminal

The bank job had gone all wrong. There wasn’t even one moment after it started where things were going right. Tommy had tripped while moving into his position and his gun fired.

All hell broke loose after that.

With some quick thinking and surprisingly intelligent gut instincts from the crew, we still managed to get the money … But the cops were on to us from the start.

Our driver was good, but not that good.

As the police were closing in on us I had a flash of brilliance.

“Guys – when the cops finally get to us here’s what you do.

“Tommy, Stick out your tongue and make moose antlers with your fingers.

“Shoes, Ask a cop if you can pull his finger.

“Donnie, Yell out ‘stranger danger – mommy said to never talk to strangers!!’ when a cop starts yelling at you.

“And I will -”

One of the fellows cut me off. Not everyone on the crew is as smooth an operator as I am. They wanted to know why we should act like a bunch of kids.

“Guys,” I said this almost laughing, our jail time would be nothing, couldn’t they see?, “I’ve heard about cases where someone gets less time because they’re juvenile.”

Attn: Ellen (3/26/14)

Front

Ellen163a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen163b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I have a unique problem. I have been to 3 events with my girlfriend’s family where a lot of the same folks have showed up. At 2 of the 3 I have worn bright pink pants.

(The first time was an ugly sweater Christmas party so it was to be funny. The second was a party at a horse track where we dressed like a formal derby party so it actually made sense.) (I swear I rarely wear those pants except for that.)

The problem is: I think her family thinks I’m an enthusiastic Peptop Bismol salesman (they really are bright pink pants.) Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com or @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (3/19/14)

Front

Ellen162a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen162b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes when I am doing something “cool” or at a “cool” event (like SxSW) I think of my future potential children and how maybe one day they’ll stumble on some pictures of their old man and think, “woah! Dad used to look so young … And like, do stuff!”

Unfortunately for this scenario it means I need to stop making goofy faces in pictures and that’s not likely.

Sorry potential kids, your old man is a dork. (If you’re reading this, just know that every time you tease me I will make a math joke in front of your friends.)

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?