The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

My Zombie Roomy (7/7/2010)

I saw on TNT or TBS or one of those that there was a Bruce Lee movie marathon on, so the zombie and I were pretty jazzed about that.

And, such good luck, we turn to the channel and it’s right at the start of Enter the Dragon! I’d say the start is one of the best parts, but all of the parts of that movie are one of the best parts.

Anyway. As we were watching the movie we began to realize – Bruce Lee movies are like hour and a half long reminders of what bad shape we’re in.

Who can climb down a rope with their body at a right angle?! What the hell Bruce Lee!

Oh dude the one with the huge basketball player’s on now.

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My Zombie Roomy

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De Jour of the Week (7/5/10)

In middle school we were given ‘agendas’ or weekly schedule-keeper-thingies.  In the margins of these I’d write nonsense notes to friends, actual class notes/things about homework, and sometimes poems or short-short stories. This was a poem I wrote sometime around Christmas in 8th grade.

Twas the night before X-Mas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring.
Except dad’s spouse.
She was up for one thing
An’ it wasn’t one a Tim’s late night rings.

But dad didn’t wake up,
Nor did the pup.
Mom was out the door,
An’ on the creaky floor.

Still no one came bout’
So mom must notta been that lout.
Down the stairs she’d gone,
Hours before dawn.

She turned on the kitchen lights
So she’d have her seein’ rights.
She went to a cabinet,
To look for it.

Oh no! Eee gat! It’s all gone,
She’ll have to find out who ate it at dawn.
She returned upstairs,
Her eyes in evil glares.

In the bedroom, dad was awakened
An he had something home-bak-ed.
Mom lunged at him,
For the little tin.

But to mom’s dismay it was already eaten.
And for that, dad was thoroughly beaten.

What would be so tasty and great?
Underneath that little cabinet?
Only mom has such cravings,
That can also result in mad ravings.

Can you tell me what I speak of?
Naturally it’s CHOCOLATE of variety dove

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Du Jour of the Week

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Footnotes are Fun

You’d think, based on crap like this, that I was on drugs. Really it’s just ricola, a head-cold, and stress. That’s all I need to get me going!

Footnotes are Fun

It was a cool night in Northern California. Before I knew it I had my old running shoes on, and I was out the door for a walk. I needed some time to take a mental doze, and there’s no better way to do that, for me, than a little walk*.

*Unless I step on a bug**.

**I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’ve stepped on bugs before, and I will again … it’s just I usually only like stepping on bugs if I mean to step on bugs***.

***Unless I accidentally stepped on some super-insane-crazy poisonous bug. You know. One that’s all like, “rahhhh! I’m poisonous and I hate happiness!” You know the type. Killing people and such****.

****Ok, well, this would be rare – but what if that insanely poisonous (and misunderstood?) bug killed a human killer. I would think a human killer would be much less missed***** than a killer bug.

*****Sure, yes, I’m being silly. But stick with me. What if that human killer killed a bunch of people, and then went to jail and repented and thought of something that would change the world******! Huh? What about that? You judgmental a-hole. Geez.

******Assuming, of course, that it was something that changed the world for the better. Not like changing the world to make it more like how a killer wants the world to be. Yikes! Wouldn’t that be scary?! Ahhh! “Killers everywhere!” That’s what I imagine myself saying in a world like that. Yes sir. In this case I would not want the bug to die*******.

*******Ok at this point we’re going to combine footnotes (5) and (6). Or, not really. But imagine this: The bug doesn’t kill the killer, but they get in cahoots with each other. And they go on some sort of “ahhh there’s a scary bug! Oh SNAP, there’s a much scarier human!” killing spree********.

********THEN! What if the bug and the killer change the world … but into the killer bug’s version of the world! I don’t know what that would be like but I imagine it would be confusing, slimy, and disheartening. At the very LEAST! I mean, come on!, SCARY!

I stepped on a bug. Squish! Sounded kind of cute. I miss California.

The End

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Short Short Stories

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