The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

DumbFunnery Goes Traveling!

Mar-a-Lago
* Out of ***** Stars

Nice location. The food was good, except when you think of it in terms of its price. Staff was friendly. Overall I would’ve given it *** or maybe even **** BUT there was a super weird interaction with this guy.

GOP 2016 Debate*Note* I’m a thin guy with long dark hair. I got in an elevator and I was looking down on my phone so you couldn’t see my face, just hair covering my face. I was wearing skinny jeans because I happen to like that style. This older guy, super gross looking, gets in the elevator and stands next to me and I can feel him looking over at me and sort of swaying and leaning toward my direction. Then, he says, “you know what?” reaches his hand down and grabs my junk, I look up in shock, he gives me this super weird look and then pulls his hand back and says, “not want.” He looks back to the elevator door and gets off at the next stop without another word.

WHAT. THE. HELL?

 

Trump International in D.C.
** Out of ***** Stars

The hotel itself was great – beautiful, luxurious sheets. The room was the kind of over the top luxury you would ordinarily only associate with someone who just recently got rich and wanted to spend all of their new found money very, very fast. Like a dumb pro athlete decorated the place. Totally impractical and stupid, but fun to stay here.

trumpivanka-kusherjared_022817gn_leadThe problem happened when I went out for a burrito (Chipotle is almost like a hobby to me). I came back and this like … orange? overbearing guy said, ‘look who got rape fuel for dinner.’ Are you serious? Disgusting. He had this tragic blonde young woman with him, she was like a Mona Lisa kind of figure where she had this little hint of a smile but behind it all you saw was sadness. And this guy was with her, I think they were married, he was like … I don’t know. He gave me the creeps. Imagine if a stale cracker became a human? I don’t know how to describe him.

Basically: hotel nice, people inside it soul-sucking.

 

Trump Liquors
**** Out of ***** Stars

leffe_triple_new_2This place is confusing. I can’t tell if it’s a sincere tribute to Donald Trump, or a great big joke mocking him. Kind of like whenever Trump talks and part of you almost thinks it’s some great big Andy Kaufman-esque insane comedy stunt.

Anyway, they had the beer I wanted, so that’s cool.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Attn: Ellen (1/24/18)

Front

Ellen335a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen335b

The text of the postcard is (you may want to check out the postcard for some context)

Dear Ellen,

Here’s how I picture this going:

Male moose: “Knock-knock!”

Female moose: *Slowly shifts gaze*

Male moose: “Long time no talk! What’s it been, a year?”

Female moose: “Uh huh.”

Male moose: “So uh … how you been?”

Female moose: *rolls eyes*

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

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Attn: Ellen

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5 Things to do When an Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

5. Shriek
Pretend you’ve just seen something scary and shriek. When the person attempts to follow your line of sight and sees that nothing is there, he or she will start again. Still insincere? Shriek again.

It could get tough coming up for reasons for your shrieking, or maybe, just maybe, this  insincere apologizer will deliver the goods.

4. Accept the Apology Without Being Genuine
Oh, what, you just think I’m being passive aggressive by suggesting this? Why don’t you come up with a list of five things to do then, genius.

3. Maintain Direct Eye Contact While Pooping Your Pants
This is unpleasant for you, which is why it’s ranked number 3, but it is also very unpleasant for that faux-apologizing fool in your life. Things could get messy, literally, if they catch on to what you’re doing and try to walk away. You’ll need to waddle after them while continuing to ‘let loose the dogs of war.’

On the plus side, this person is very unlikely to ever deliver an insincere apology to you again.

2. Tell Them You’re Worried They’re Not Being Sincere
Explain again what led to this apology being issued, and try to help them understand by gently putting them in your shoes, and then explaining why you felt hurt. This could help grow the communication channels between the two of you, and strengthen your relationship, but on the down side this option could lead to the two of you ending up in a montage-like sequence of hugs, laughter, high-fives, and cuddling with puppies.

1. Accept the Apology, Days Later Sneak into Their House, Murder Someone
It doesn’t even have to be the person who gave you an insincere apology, that’s what is great about this option. But on the negative side, you’ll be a murderer. Also, jail seems imminent.

cucsnu0u

Why would I have a picture of Kevin Spacey when talking about insincere apologies? Oh, who knows.

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