DumbFunnery

Dear College

Hey! How are you? It’s me … I feel like I should reintroduce myself, but then again that seems so silly, we were together for four and a half years.

Earlier this month realized it’s been TEN years since we spoke and I just thought I’d write, say hi, see how you’re doing and what you’re up to.

I imagine you heard, but I’m married now! That’s crazy, right? Her name is Work, and she’s great. We spend a TON of time together and it’s so … good. Some people might say we spend too much time together, that we should be more like one of those relaxed European couples you always hear about but … I don’t know, I think it’s ok.

Anyway! What have you been up to? I heard you moved on pretty quickly. Not that I think that’s bad, I just … oh I don’t know, after we broke up I met Work but I still thought of you … probably too much.

Remember how some afternoons we’d go just do NOTHING and even take a nap sometimes? Oh man. That was so great. Work would NEVER do that with me.

I’m not saying Work is uptight! No way! Work’s awesome! She’s so great! It’s just …

Work doesn’t really like to just sit around and talk about stuff. You know? Like, if I say, ‘hey want to get drunk and talk about our feelings?’ I haven’t asked Work that, but I feel pretty confident she would NOT be down with that.

But whatever. She’s so cool.

College, you and I used to get in fights about finance and with Work that just does NOT happen. I used to get so frustrated because we’d go out to eat, or go on a trip, or go to a show, and you’d say, ‘hey mind paying for this? Also, rent’s due.’ It’s tacky to say, but it was INCREDIBLY expensive dating you. Work might sometimes feel a little soul sucking but at least I’m not broke.

Wait. Soul sucking. That sounds so bad.

Again, Work is awesome and I’m completely over you College.

But.

Wasn’t it so awesome when we spent a couple months together learning about the assassination of JFK, crazy conspiracy theories, less crazy conspiracy theories, stuff like that? Do you know how pointless all of that knowledge is now? But it was great!

And there would be those days where I was heading to do something productive, and the weather was wonderful, and instead I’d skip being productive and just walk around and look at the flowers that had just been planted, find a spot to lay down, and read whatever I wanted instead of something technical?

Some days I miss you so much College!

I mean … our friendship. I never want to go back to you, I’m so, so, so happy with Work. We’ll be together forever. Or at least what will feel like forever.

(This is totally catty, but you don’t even know Work so whatever … but a friend of mine met this girl Retirement? She sounds A. Maze. Ing. But I’m kind of afraid she might be secretly poisoning my friend? I don’t have any proof, it’s just things started off so well for them but now he doesn’t like to travel or do anything because he’s ‘tired.’ Pft. Whatever. Watch your back, Retirement, I’m onto you.)

Ha! Boy, I really have been bouncing all over the place in this letter, huh College?

I just wanted to write, say hi, tell you that I still value our relationship and what it did for me, and that I hope you’re doing well.