The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘ice cream’

First Meal

Because of digestion issues that our son has, my wife has willingly sacrificed my primary food group, dairy, and another food that is apparently in everything – soy.

My wife is pretty ok with this, it’s worth it to be able to breastfeed him. If she didn’t drop those two foods we would have to give him some crazy formula. (Normal formula has dairy.)

Sometimes, scratch that, often, she likes to talk about her first meal. This, as opposed to a last meal for a death row inmate, is the first meal she’ll have when she is allowed to eat whatever she wants (most kids outgrow this issue by 1 year old … and regardless of that, he’ll stop breastfeeding at some point).

Pizza. Pizza is always mentioned at the first meal. We made a non-dairy, non-soy pizza. Non-dairy cheese is weird. It doesn’t melt. You throw it in the oven, check 10 minutes later and there it is, just laughing. ‘You thought I would melt? Who do you think is in charge here? You? … Hmph.’


Hello, beautifuls.

Following that would be ice cream. There is non-dairy, non-soy ice cream (and you may find it funny I have to keep mentioning soy … seriously, that sneaks into everything). But, like the pizza, it’s almost ice cream. Sometimes my wife and I will both have ice cream (with me having the real stuff) and I can feel her looking at me. Well, not me, but my ice cream. There’s sadness in them there dairy-free looks.

My woes are a trifling concern next to my wife’s … but I am also greatly looking forward to the return of ordering pizza.

And let’s be honest with ourselves – the first meal won’t be A meal. It’ll be an ongoing love fest of old favorite foods and restaurants. We have discovered two restaurants that say, ‘yeah we can do no-dairy, no-soy’ and they ACTUALLY do it. Other places say that, but as I have repeated several times already, soy is a tricky devil. How do we know that soy snuck in to their food? Well, the kiddo is uncomfortable and a few tiny specks of blood show up in his stool. The body can’t handle what the body can’t handle.

It sounds bad, I know, but his body is ok, so don’t you worry about our sweet little tiny tyrant.

Here’s my prediction:

  • Night one: pizza and ice cream
  • Night two: chicken, salad (with a dressing containing soy)
  • Night three: going out to eat (Mexican I hope)
  • Night four: sandwiches! With cheese and typical bread!
  • Night five: going out to eat (sushi – a personal favorite of hers, eh for me)
  • Night six: goldfish, ice cream, chocolate, cheese and sausage and crackers
  • Night seven: just a large bowl of salad and our old forgotten friend during this week, veggies

Attn: Ellen (3/9/16)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know how you almost have to pant just to breathe when you’ve eaten too much ice cream? Lately my wife and I have been experiencing that a lot … So yeah, life’s pretttttttty good.


Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (10/21/15)


Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here we go – the second of the set of six of these.

And what important message am I using this (not so) limited card to say?

Ice. Cream. Is. Delicious.

Ever so sincerely,
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


My Zombie Roomy (2/12/13)

I followed the Zombie and ended up being discovered spying on him. I was really embarrassed, and actually pretty confident I was going to be ripped to shreds and devoured. (The fear of being eaten was a more pressing concern than the embarrassment … And I actually wondered briefly if blushing made me look more edible … Like some human form of a pig with an apple in its mouth? Is that supposed to make pigs look delicious? I don’t really get it, actually.)

Anywho, the Zombie met up with four buddies in a wooded area behind my apartment. Kudos, also, to them leading me to discover a pretty cool tree fort! Kids around this area really have some ingenuity!

Before I was discovered here’s what I saw:

The Zombie arrived and two of the others were already there. They didn’t really greet each other in any way I could notice. Each of them just stood by a tree. It’s a little clump of trees that is close together. The third was walking up and ran across me. You’d think I would’ve heard the shuffling of a zombie tromping through the woods but this guy was actually really sneaky. Not at all representative of the zombie stereotype.

The guy who stumbled across me grabbed me and I was willingly dragged into the meeting. I made a quick decision to rely on the Zombie’s friendship rather than try to run. It was an analytical, and very scientific process that led me to this decision. Also, that sneaky zombie pantsed me.

That’s right. He pantsed me.

He managed to sneak up on me, pantsed me, and then started walking me forward. My running shorts have an elastic band so it was an easy and very smart play on the part of this zombie. I figured he must be the brains of the operation. If I had bolted I would’ve tripped and given this jock a-hole zombie reason to start feasting on me. Then the Zombie and the other unknown zombie would’ve come up and joined in and before you know it … no more blog, just a twitter account that randomly sends out “#brains?”

The zombie leading me pushed me into the center of the cluster of trees and the fourth zombie was walking up at that point. He looked like he was ready to start his snack time. I realized then that the zombie was a lady, and I had a weird thought flash before my mind – would I rather be eaten by a lady or male zombie? I tucked this away for analysis, potential sexual-crisis ramifications, and self-mockery.

There I was (I had pulled my shorts up thank you) surrounded by five zombies.

Hey, sorry, a friend just texted about ice cream … More later!


The Ice Cream Plight

Ice cream, oh ice cream
It is of you I now dream
Ice cream which would give such delight!
But ice cream that requires moving off my couch tonight

Past self, at the grocery store,
“Bad eating habits? No more!”
You FOOL! You goon! You dummy.
A life … without ice cream … is not yummy.

And so, to the closest store I go
For overpriced chocolate chip cookie dough
At the grocery store soon after
I’ll think back with self-chiding laughter
“No, I ate too much ice cream that night.
“Cutting out sweets is definitely right.”

Yes, my friends, my foes
These are the ice cream woes
Take heed at the grocery store tonight!
Don’t think, just buy, avoid the Ice Cream Plight


Craigslist Missed Connections I Could See Myself Posting


We Had a Moment?? – m4w – 26

I was out jogging so I didn’t have my glasses on – but I couldn’t stop looking at you* and I think we had a moment?

*Assuming you are female. If you are not this is a total joke. Also get a haircut, your pony tail is misleading.


Hopefully you like shy guys… – m4w – 26

We were both at Some-Buddy’s Bar last night and I didn’t talk to you or really make much eye contact because I was playing coy. So … dang.


Undo Button … – m4w – 26

We met last night while standing in line at the grocery store and we were having an awesome little conversation and everything was great and I was about to ask for your number when I made that joke about if you had a more attractive sister.

The bagger laughed?? Does that count for anything?

Anyway – again, totally joking. We should hang out sometime? I’d love to meet your family? (Too soon to joke about this again? We’ll give it time …)


Flirtatious Drool – m4w – 26

You told me I had an awesome t-shirt and I smiled and drooled a little ice cream.

We should meet up. But not for ice cream.


Silver Medal is Still Good? – m4w – 26

I went up to you and your group of friends and the four of us talked for like an hour. It was awesome. I felt like you were really digging me and I was definitely interested in you as well.

I also happened to be slightly interested in your friend. Who happened to have a very large boyfriend. So when I asked her to dance I meant as friends, because, you know, you’re clearly the coolest. I really wanted to dance with you, I just pitied your friend?

…This will make a great ‘how we met’ story??


De Jour of the Week (3/14/11)

Recently I went to a surprise party. I flew out to see my sister for her birthday, and my visiting was a surprise. And THEN, the next night we had a big drinkfest/private karaoke room and that was a surprise. It was fun.

On the second night, we all got there before my sister and there was a short debate about what to yell. “Surprise!” and “Happy Birthday!” were two pretty sound options. It got me thinking though …


GOOD Things to Have Yelled at You at a Surprise Party

Happy birthday!

Congratulations on your promotion!!

(Some crazy TV show) built you this house!!!

Naked ladies!!!!

Ice cream for everybody!!!!!



BAD Things to Have Yelled at You at a Surprise Party


Free baby!!

Fran Drescher Audio Books!!!

Court Appointed Therapy!!!!


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