The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘jerk’

Larry

I was shocked when the aliens came.

I was flabbergasted when they said they were going to destroy all human life on Earth.

And I was just plain pissed off when they said, “except Larry.”

Larry? Really aliens? Ok, sure, you’re hyper intelligent and each of you knows more than all of us combined and you’re smart enough to travel all the way to us and destroy all of us but … why Larry?

He’s such a jerk! You know I went out to lunch with him last week and when the bill came it was 19 dollars and some change and he left a twenty and that’s it! Hiya Larry, heard of tipping? You jerk.

You might wonder why I was out to lunch with Larry but it’s a work-politics thing and I don’t want to get into it. (And I’ll admit that I kind of enjoy whining about Larry – yes, I’m the guy that started asking the question, “was Larry’s dad a dentist, and his mom an enema?”)

In case you’re wondering his dad really is a dentist, and as far as I know his mother is not actually an enema.

Anyhow aliens, this is ticking me off. What will Larry do with the planet all to himself? I’ll tell you what he’ll do – he’ll continue walking around the office talking to himself about how he doesn’t have enough memory on his computer.

I can see it now. Four years after humanity is gone … He’ll be spending Saturday night the way he does now. Walking around Target, looking at CDs but not getting any of them because he doesn’t agree with the philosophy of the artist. Then he’ll head home to make soup and re-watch that one episode of Firefly with the hot red head.

Listen aliens – it’s great that you said you were going to give us seven years to clean up our acts and prove that we deserve to live on this planet. We appreciate it. But what does that mean? Does that mean we all need to live like Larry? Because there’s a mob from work forming and … ha! I can’t believe it! Dave’s got a pitchfork. Classic Dave. Anyhow there’s this mob forming and I don’t think Larry’s going to last seven years.

Any answers or tips or something would really be appreciated. Or hey, maybe if you rescind your threat or just – I know this is bad but – if you just changed it to destroying ALL humanity.

Spare Larry? I don’t think so.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Weekly Wacko (51)

I’m A Jerk

Yes. It’s true. I’m a jerk. Sometimes deliberately, more often without knowing it (I am a very stereotypical boy/engineer/moron).

There was one time I was a jerk with a publishing effort though. It’s pretty bad.

When I was living in California I saw a book called In Me Own Words: The Autobiography of Bigfoot. I picked it up and glanced at it and it struck me as very quirky humor that I loved. Fantastic.

A book I read about trying to get published recommended that, when I see a book I like or that I find similar to my style (whatever that is), I should look at the publisher and try to find the author’s agent in the acknowledgements section.

I looked and this book was published by Manic D Press, which was, gasp!, in San Francisco! This, I thought, is a sign. Seriously, I really thought this was a good omen. It’s a good thing I don’t live outside New York City (where there are about 5 billion publishers and literary agents) because I’d constantly be getting my hopes dashed.

Anyhow. I looked up Manic D Press’s site and I noticed that the quirky/fun/humor books were in the minority of their publications. Nevertheless, I thought I had a good chance with a small publishing house. I could write a sincere query letter that would get me noticed and they’d invite me up for an interview and find my awkward, nervous, rambling self charming for God knows what reason and … wha-la. Dream accomplished.

Manic D recommended people to read some of their published works, and talk about them in their query letter. They wanted to make sure your work jives with their overall style. Can do, I thought. I was in downtown Mountain View and I noticed Fears of Your Life by Michael Bernard Loggins.

If you know about this book you can go ahead and cringe.

I picked up the book, glanced through it, and loved it. It was yet another quirky, charming, oddball bit of humor. The author had, in his own handwriting, written fears he had for just about everything. I identified with a few of them, and it cracked me up. I bought the book and was crafting the query letter to Manic D in my head.

A few weeks later I finally got around to writing and sending the query letter. I wrote to Manic D about my haiku collection. I am proud of the haiku set, and I have a few that are San Francisco-specific, which I thought would be neat. Again, daydreams flowed about readings in weird little book stores in San Francisco.

Months after that I was at some sort of outdoor art and book festival in San Francisco near the De Young Museum. One of the tables was for Manic D, and my friend urged me to go talk with them. I declined and pulled her aside, telling her about my query letter and my big gaffe.

A month or so after I sent the query letter I was still waiting for a response. I was wondering if I’d made some obvious mistake on my query letter, so I re-read it. It seemed ok to me. I pulled out the books to make sure they were both from Manic D Press. For the first time I looked at the back of Fears of Your Life.

On the back of the book, in plain sight (whoops), is this: “Michael Bernard Loggins, an adult with developmental disabilities, battles his fears by listing more than one hundred of them.”

I change my mind, I’m promoting myself to an ass-hole.

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Weekly Wacko

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