The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘odd’

Worry-Free Man Dead

At 9:42 am, today, Doug Johnson saw a genie. At 12:42 pm, today, Doug Johnson was found dead.

Johnson, a high-powered executive, had been driven by fear and worry for many years. After a recent heart attack he was told he needed to seek ways to reduce his stress and worry. As a friend, Betty LePaige said, “as a practical joke, Doug went to see a genie. Really, we all found it funny. Like a Genie can actually grant wishes! But it didn’t work out so hot I guess. Genies, huh?”

According to various sources that saw Johnson through the course of the day, security cameras, nanny cameras, and a whole lot of policemen, the genie granted Johnson’s wish of no longer having “any worry.”

“What? I just? You know. The customer wants what he wants, wh-wh-what can I say? Hm?” the Genie said while doing his best Woody Allen impression.

After leaving the Genie’s business, ‘Genie Bone’s Connected to Your Happiness-Bone!’ Johnson immediately went to a Jaguar dealership.

“Oh yeah, we totally screwed him on the deal,” an unnamed source at the dealership said. “But he drove away really happy – who wouldn’t in a brand new Jag? Say I noticed you’ve got an older car out in the lot …” At this point the dealer smiled, and I was temporarily blinded by his charm and smarm.

The Genie reports what happened next. “Doug really had to go to the bathroom. So he did. In his brand new Jag.” When asked how the Genie knew Doug’s thoughts the Genie replied, “look, Brad Stanley thought it’d be funny if this guy was so worry-free that he’d pee himself. So he made me omnipotent, so that I could talk about this. OK!?”

Shortly after going weewee, Johnson came to a stoplight where a cop was stopped next to him. Again without any reason to stop himself Johnson yelled something he’d always wanted to yell at the police, “COWABUNGA SHRED-HEAD!” Without any real reason to arrest him the cops decided they should follow him until they figured an arrest-worthy event would happen.

Unfortunately, that moment never came.

Johnson, in his new car, had a thought occur (said the Genie), “say, is this one of those doors where if it’s locked you can’t open it? Or will it unlock and allow me to open the door?”

Upon finding out Johnson fell out of his car and was run over by Shredder.

Didn’t see that coming did you?

 

The End

 

P.S. I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.

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Short Short Stories

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Kill the Scouts

Whenever I see an ant or maybe two walking around in my apartment I think, These are the scouts! They’re going to head back to the home base and tell them, “come quick! Homeboy’s got chocolate covered raisins!” At this point I decide to kill them. Sometimes though I kill just one and toy with the other for a while.

The next night another two ants will be back. Again, I think to myself.

What do I have to do to these guys! Didn’t I squish that other ant angrily enough? Don’t they get the message!

What I hadn’t considered was that maybe these ants came on purpose.

Night After I Killed the First Ant

Survivor Ant: I’m back! Everybody I’m back.
Rest of Ant Community: Hey that’s great, now get to work.
Survivor: No! Listen, I’ve got to warn you –
Jerk Ant: Shut up. Get to work you dumb, lazy yokel.
Survivor: But I’ve got to warn –
Jerk Ant: (mimicking) I’ve got to warn. (normal voice) Wah wah wah. No one cares.
Survivor: Dude. Shhh. Come here. I just ate so much sugar I lifted 52 times my own weight.
Jerk Ant: (unsure) Yeah … whatever …
Survivor: Listen. You’ve always been a jerk to me and I … I don’t know I just had kinda hoped that I could get you to like me if I took you to the magical land of sugar.
Jerk Ant: Pssht. Magical land of sugar. You’re so lame.
Survivor: Yeah. But I know where there’s lots of sugar.
Jerk Ant: … Yeah ok. Take me there. Tomorrow night I’ll ask to be a scout like you.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to tell the difference between a jerk ant, and a regular ant. That’s why, when the scout ants come back for a second night I just kill them both.

 

🙂 The End 🙂

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Short Short Stories

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My Zombie Roomy (9/27/10)

I didn’t want to write about this because, frankly, it’s embarrassing for both the Zombie and me. If it had just been embarrassing for him you can be sure I would’ve written about it pronto.

When I moved in to my apparent I was very excited about several things, one of these was the washer and dryer INSIDE my apartment! This was a big step up from my studio apartment in California. I thought dreamer-type thoughts, ‘I’ll wash my sheets every day!’ ‘My towels will be constantly fresh out of the dryer!’ ‘Never again will I need to do the sniff-test on a t-shirt!’

I have fallen short of these ideals.

Thus, it is with great shame that I report to you that the Zombie had crawled inside the dryer and gotten himself trapped and I didn’t discover him for nine days because I am a total slob.

I don’t really have a guess as to why the Zombie decided to cram himself into the dryer. A lot of alone time, a weird sense of humor, and being undead really lead you to make some odd decisions I guess.

On the plus side I have discovered that the Zombie eats two things: humans and dryer sheets. At first I was annoyed because those things don’t grow on trees, but man his breath has vastly improved.

We’re going to watch some of The Office now – he finds Jim attractive in a humor- and zombie-way.

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My Zombie Roomy

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