The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘parrot’

Animal Facts! (Racing Piglets, Prize Winning Cow, Black Panther, Parrot)

Racing Piglets

(note: I took this picture at the Texas State Fair. The pigs had names like ‘Jean Claude van Ham.’)

Had a dream about you last night.

Rates the opposite sex as either: ‘me-ow’ or ‘woof.’

Hey, it’s been real. You know, it’s been fun too. It’s been real … fun …

Own leather pants. I mean … come on … how hysterical is that?

Oh gag me. Just ulghhh. Blehhhh. Blech!

Prize Winning Cow

Would sell his soul to the devil for … you guessed it … a ham sandwich.

Says things that are accidentally funny all the time.

In high school was in a crappy band called “band-wagon.”

Wrote an autobiography of himself and called it My Sparknotes. In the ‘motif’ section he has, “rejection, loneliness, massive amounts of ice cream.”

Calls himself “Rudy, but for chess instead of football.” If you think about it, that’s pretty self-insulting – because Rudy was too small for football, and it’s not your physical size that matters for chess.

Black Panther

Doesn’t understand why contractions mean don’t and won’t, but it also means frightening things for pregnant women.

OMFG!!!! Oh wait, sorry, thought you were someone else.

If pressed, would guess that Paula Deen is 57% butter.

Is very fast to correct you if you say “Barnes & Nobles.” It’s, apparently, “Barnes & Noble.”

Took a break from working to write a lovely note to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, because he’d just been coding in C++, started the comment with ‘//.’

Parrot

Favorite pick-up line is: “Join now and save 10%.”

Is looking down on you right now.

Feels like there probably is a Heaven and Hell. But worries he won’t get into either.

Simply can NOT believe … about whatever stupid latest celebrity news is.

Likes the crusts cut off, thank you very much.

Animal Facts! (Panda Bear, Elephant, Shrimp Goby, Parrot)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!

Panda Bear

Think they do a really good Jamaican accent, but good God it sucks.

Dance, monkey!

Ohhhhhh I get it. It’s funny because it’s … wait, I don’t get it.

Reads The Non-Review.

Like school in the summer – no class!

Elephant

Suave. Sophisticated. And somehow still single – nobody gets it.

Favorite joke is: ‘what did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?’  ‘Make me one with everything.’

Call the cops – we got a reallllll joker on our hands.

Rushes to the sexual stuff. Will you ever learn?

Got fourth place in a Leslie Neilson look-alike contest.

Shrimp Goby

Had the nickname ‘the one man dogsled team’ in high school.

Don’t ask, but honestly, don’t have to. If you catch my drift.

They’re like one of those drug commercials. Everything seems great, but really there’s a huge list of possible downsides.

Fresh to death.

Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight!

Parrot

Texas-two-stepped their way into my nightmares.

Honorable to a fault. I’m not sure what that means. But it applies here.

Music starts when they look in your eyes … but then they notice your poor hygiene.

What a silly goose!

Cutie with a bootie.

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