The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘pineapple’

Where Would You Go?

If you could travel to any one moment in time but only be able to witness and not interact – When would you go?

Humanity has had so many powerful and important moments. The Earth itself has experienced even more powerful moments. Of all of these myriad occasions, how could you pick just one?

Well, I have thought long and hard about this and I have my pick.

The first time a human discovered pineapples are edible.

Look at this thing. Who would be so crazy as to think, oh yeah, I can’t wait to crack that open and eat its innards. pineapple-05It’s like a fruit porcupine! Everything about it is saying, ‘no no, not me, my outsides are painful friend, try a banana for God’s sake, it’s got that handy little carrying case so you can eat it even if your hands are dirty.’

But some human was going along and found one of those. Had something conspired to already crack it open, and the human picked it up, got those delicious pineapple juices on their (probably dirty) hands and the human thought, ‘ew sticky …’ then maybe the (gross) human licked his or her hands and thought ‘HELLOOOOOOO! This! Is! The! TASTIEST!’

And did that human then share the knowledge with others? I’ll be honest, I would probably not be so quick to do that.

Imagine doughnuts falling from trees around you, and you’re the only one who learns they are edible (and delicious). Would you be calling up your pals to have a free doughnut party? Heck no, you’d hoard them and gain a lot of weight and when people say things like, ‘why’d you gain so much weight? And why do you keep cleaning up the stuff that falls from the doughnut tree?’ You’d probably accuse them all of being communists and run away (but not much running, what with all the doughnuts slowing you down).

What if, WHAT IF the first person to discover the tasty insides of an evil-shelled pineapple was one of those rare specimens who doesn’t like pineapples! What a twist, huh? Bet you hadn’t thought about that.

The pineapple’s initial tastiness discovery clearly leads to a lot more questions than answers. It’s a time I think all of us should wish we knew more about.

Not Entirely Fruitless

I just read an interesting unfinished autobiography of “Dr.” Gorg Homkins.

The unfinished autobiography ended with this, “And so, with my last breath I bid the Earth farewell and thus ends my book”

Note the lack of punctuation that renders the autobiography unfinished. Scholars have debated for minutes at a time whether it was to be a period or exclamation point.

Obviously I am with the small, but tall, group of scholars that insist it was a pound sign. This we believe must be the case because “Dr.” Gorg had never once been slightly interesting or funny and so we figure he was due.

But why bring up “Dr.” Gorg to you? Ah yes, because I’m feeling morbid and whimsical. A classic combination of feelings made popular by the creepy man sitting by me at the bus stop.

You see, “Dr.” Gorg was a grave-digger who would cut open dead bodies to look for words inside them. The good “Doctor” believed every person had a last important message that they had to get out – some people managed to get this out before dying, but for others death came too soon. These people contained inside them a written copy of their last important message. And so, after what he described as an epiphany but I would describe as an addiction to smoking crushed up kitty litter, the good “Doctor” began digging up bodies for his research.

The research was fairly fruitless, except for two peculiar cases.

The first was Joanne Thompson, who was buried with a pineapple.

The second was Jeremy Privo, who choked while trying to eat a book, and died. The book was a Where’s Waldo, and fragments of the book were obtained by “Dr.” Gorg. These fragments listed things to look for, which the good “Doctor” set out to do. Perhaps in death he has found Wizard Whitebeard.

Reading this book, and about the case of young Mr. Privo has led me to a bold decision. I will not read anything that I cannot successfully eat! People meet me and think I love Kit Kat’s, this is simply not true. It’s just hard to find good reading material.

However you should be glad to know that my intellectual qualities have not been hurt by my lack of intellect. I often quote famous works of literature. I would dare to guess I use the word “the” at least five times a day. Someone you may be familiar with, one William Shakespeare, was also known to have used that word to some success.

Therefore, although the nearly finished autobiography of “Dr.” Gorg Homkins was incredibly boring, full of idiocy, painful, and led me to never again read a book – I would say the endeavor was not entirely fruitless. After all, the publisher had a sense of humor, and each book comes with a pineapple.

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