The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘autobiography’

Autobiographies in My Life

Mine: I’ll Have the Spaghetti Surprise (What’s the Surprise?) THAT’S NOT SPAGHETTI!

My wife: My Husband is the Greatest in the World and He Also Makes Bold Assumptions About Autobiography Titles

My son: Pooping, Screaming, Crying, Smiling – My Life, And How it Sounds Like Alanis Morissette Lyrics

The rabbit that lives in the backyard: Why’s That Guy Taking Another Picture of Me?, and Other Concerns

The owl that lives somewhere around here: That Moron Has Still Yet to Take a Picture of Me, and Other Animals I’m Better Than

The neighbor across the street: Being the Cool Neighbor, and Other Life Advice

That one neighbor across the street: Perching and Watching, a Guide

The mail person: Should I be Concerned? A Series of Postcards that Give one Pause

Quotes of the Day!

Recently I read (and loved) Boy by Roald Dahl. If you’re a Roald Dahl fan, you’ll probably love this book. Even if you’re not, it’s still fun. The book covers up to when he was twenty years old. He’s a great story teller and had some pretty amazing experiences as a kid. It’s clear, too, where the motivation for some of his characters and stories came from (in one story he explicitly states that it was the motivation behind Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).

Without further ado, some quotes:


‘God works in mysterious ways,’ she said, which was her stock reply whenever she didn’t know the answer.


Behind the moustache there lived an inflamed and savage face with a deeply corrugated brow that indicated a very limited intelligence. ‘Life is a puzzlement,’ the corrugated brow seemed to be saying, ‘and the world is a dangerous place. All men are enemies and small boys are insects that will turn and bite you if you don’t get them first and squash them hard.’


The Headmaster, while I was at Repton, struck me as being a rather shoddy bandy-legged little fellow with a big bald head and lots of energy but not much charm. Mind you, I never did know him well because in all those months and years I was at the school, I doubt whether he addressed more than six sentences to me altogether. So perhaps it was wrong of me to form a judgment like that.

Not Entirely Fruitless

I just read an interesting unfinished autobiography of “Dr.” Gorg Homkins.

The unfinished autobiography ended with this, “And so, with my last breath I bid the Earth farewell and thus ends my book”

Note the lack of punctuation that renders the autobiography unfinished. Scholars have debated for minutes at a time whether it was to be a period or exclamation point.

Obviously I am with the small, but tall, group of scholars that insist it was a pound sign. This we believe must be the case because “Dr.” Gorg had never once been slightly interesting or funny and so we figure he was due.

But why bring up “Dr.” Gorg to you? Ah yes, because I’m feeling morbid and whimsical. A classic combination of feelings made popular by the creepy man sitting by me at the bus stop.

You see, “Dr.” Gorg was a grave-digger who would cut open dead bodies to look for words inside them. The good “Doctor” believed every person had a last important message that they had to get out – some people managed to get this out before dying, but for others death came too soon. These people contained inside them a written copy of their last important message. And so, after what he described as an epiphany but I would describe as an addiction to smoking crushed up kitty litter, the good “Doctor” began digging up bodies for his research.

The research was fairly fruitless, except for two peculiar cases.

The first was Joanne Thompson, who was buried with a pineapple.

The second was Jeremy Privo, who choked while trying to eat a book, and died. The book was a Where’s Waldo, and fragments of the book were obtained by “Dr.” Gorg. These fragments listed things to look for, which the good “Doctor” set out to do. Perhaps in death he has found Wizard Whitebeard.

Reading this book, and about the case of young Mr. Privo has led me to a bold decision. I will not read anything that I cannot successfully eat! People meet me and think I love Kit Kat’s, this is simply not true. It’s just hard to find good reading material.

However you should be glad to know that my intellectual qualities have not been hurt by my lack of intellect. I often quote famous works of literature. I would dare to guess I use the word “the” at least five times a day. Someone you may be familiar with, one William Shakespeare, was also known to have used that word to some success.

Therefore, although the nearly finished autobiography of “Dr.” Gorg Homkins was incredibly boring, full of idiocy, painful, and led me to never again read a book – I would say the endeavor was not entirely fruitless. After all, the publisher had a sense of humor, and each book comes with a pineapple.

%d bloggers like this: