The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Poem’

The Pirate Queen

What? – Where? – When? – This can’t be good
Why am I floating in the ocean on this driftwood?
Oh right, the pirate attack that could not be withstood …
Optimism at this point would be foolish, feeble, and a falsehood

But wait, I open my eyes and … could this be, utter delight?
A woman is at the edge of the boat and, this can’t be right!
A lovely hand at the end of a slender arm at the end of a beautiful body alight
“I’m the pirate queen, and, I’ll be honest, this is not your lucky night.”

Well, my hopes quickly left when I got a handle on the affair
I was brought aboard the boat and tied to a less than comfortable chair
Coming to terms with my near death is not easy to bear
So, I will distract myself with mindless chatter during this … terrible affair.

“How did you get to be the pirate queen?”
“By being rude, cruel and mercilessly mean.”
“You certainly don’t seem so mean.”
“Oh trust me, I’m meaner than I seem.”

“But just tell me, one thing, one little example.”
“You see that ash tray on the table?”
“So you smoke? For a pirate, that’s pretty dull.”
“That’s the former captain’s emptied skull.”
“…Ah, perhaps I should be taken down to rest in the hull”

Try as a I might
I knew I wasn’t getting out of this plight
But while might may make right
I wouldn’t give up without a continued mental fight

“There must be SOMETHING that can get me out of this pickle!”
“As you might have gleamed, us pirates can be quite fickle.”
“Please, my life is not yet one half of one tenth full!”
“Ok, ok, I have a deal my little talkative handful,

“You can ask me three questions, and if you surprise me, I won’t kill you.”
“That’s a very generous and weird offer, and for that I thank you.”
“Questions, my dear, flattery won’t due.”
“As your captive audience, trust me, flattery I will easily eschew:

“Living on a boat, is your biggest fear somnambulism?”
“Actually, it’s a tie between mutiny and cannibalism.”
“Two questions to go … I still have some optimism.”
“Are you the type to confuse optimism with masochism?

“Give me your next two questions, quit killing time and preparing.”
“If you were a tree, what color underwear do you think I’m wearing?”
“That’s clever – what word means the opposite of alluring?”
If I can’t be clever … I guess I’ll be honest, with a hint of daring

“Is it just me, or is this chair suddenly wet?”
“You … That … Touche, I’ll let you live without regret,
“I’ve captured, and killed, too many to count – that’s the best yet.
“I’ll stay true to my word, I’ll honor my bet …”

…Yes, the pirate queen is rude, cruel and mercilessly mean
But she let me free, FREE!, she’s not some killing machine!
One day, perhaps, she and I will reconvene …
But first, I have to climb out of this deep, deep ravine

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To My Girl, With Adoration (and Corrections)

It’s hard to believe, seven years ago was our first date
(Not to be nit-picky, but it was actually eight)
I bought you dinner, and you bought us ice cream for dessert
(It was actually some frozen yogurt)

We went on a walk, enjoying the beautiful weather
(It was so cold I had to borrow your sweater)
You looked so cute in that flower-print dress
(Is your memory under some form of duress?)

You have the most beautiful blueish-green eyes I’ve ever seen
(Define what you mean by ‘blueish-green’?)
I hope our daughter has your beautiful brown locks
(It’s light chestnut! … Not to get on my color-wheel soapbox)

You always smell like lilacs, lavender or Ungaro
(You’re just saying the fancy smell-words you know)
I made you this CD, it has our old song
(It’ll be fun to see how you got that one wrong)

I just want you to know how much you mean to me
(I like you and your bad memory)
Even as I get older and my mind starts to fade
(I will be your memory maid)
I’ll always know how much you mean to me

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The Lonely Adventurers

Little boys see danger
Where there is only a tree
Little boys see adventure
While escaping responsibility

Little boys grow up and make for great adventurers
But, have you ever stopped to wonder,
When they’re out shaking hands with death
If, when their body comes back, their heart’s all asunder

From Portugal to India, you opened the world, but,
Did you call out for your mama?
When on your death-bed with malaria,
Oh, explorer-great, Vasco de Gama?

You can circumnavigate with the best, Ferdinand Magellan
You sail with seemingly no hint of fear
But you couldn’t circumnavigate your need for a hug
As you died, pierced, by a bamboo spear

Here, fishy, fishy!, heeeere, fishy, fishy, fishy!
Where did you go, Jacques Cousteau?
And where are you now, exploring still?
Or are you cuddled up with a throw pillow?

Aging is terrible, said the fountain of youth, laughing
A quest to find it was the aim of Juan Ponce de Leon
He failed, dying of an arrow wound, and reconnecting with his youth:
The fetal position is great for when you’re poisoned and alone

Adventurers embrace risks and danger
They will go down in history’s annals
Often so close to their goals …
They only lacked stuffed animals

So … I really like this idea, but I don’t like this poem much. I’m throwing it out there with the best of intentions to re-write it at a future date. Really, being an explorer would be craaaaazy scary. And these guys (except Cousteau, the only modern one in this bunch) kept dying in foreign lands! (Not for no reason, they were often taking “unclaimed’ lands and killing or converting as they saw fit.)

Anywho, it’s “funny” (maybe interesting is a better word) to think of explorers dying, sad and lonely, in far-away places after living an incredibly tough-guy, amazing life.

Also I don’t like the concluding verse … But I chose to watch the basketball game rather than think about it. GO LOUISVILLE!

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