The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘polar bear’

Attn: Ellen (7/25/12)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Two very popular search terms that lead people to my blog are polar bears and 50 Shades of Grey. This postcard will increase the number of people coming to my blog for information on those things – and leaving upset. Fun stuff.

When I wrote about 50 Shades I posted your “reading” of the book, so … what do you say? I mean, come on!, I probably got you 2 more video views! I think you’re due to invite me on!


Why am I doing this?

Animal Facts! (Tiger, Dog, Polar Bear, Seahorse)

Everything you didn’t know about your favorite animals!


TigerLove Chinese food, hate Chinese people.

Get cold much quicker than you’d think.

Favorite phrase is, “great, I’ll be on the phone with my broker.”

You’d think gay, but actually just very effeminate.

Dry hump like a champ.



Know a guy who can get you things. You need things? This guy can get you things.

Doesn’t care much for NFL, but strangely hates the Denver Broncos.

Got a grant in college to study the top quark.

Majored in psych because that’s what mom wanted.

Believe in a thing called love.

Polar Bear

Polar BearCan’t commit to anything.

Sell sea shells by the sea shore.

Are, aren’t they?

Try to make friends by buying people gifts. It never works out well in the end.

Love cleavage.



Dresses kind of slutty.

Says he ‘loves’ everything. “Oh, I love those shoes!” “I love that tree!” “I love that river!” Honestly, who loves that river.

Says ‘fustrated’ instead of ‘frustrated.’

Went through an awkward phase in high school – can not WAIT for the 10 year anniversary.

The unluckiest traveler you’ll ever meet.

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