The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘romance’

Celebrity Comparison

Recently I went on a date. It went ok. (Except for the incredibly awkward ending where her ex came in with the girl he left her for – and they’d apparently gone on a date at that SAME PLACE just ONE month ago – and she ended up saying an awkward hello to him … yep.)

Something (else) funny happened on the date, though.

I went to the restroom (I have the bladder of a pregnant woman) and came back to the table. When I sat down she greeted me with a question along these lines,

“Have you ever been compared to a celebrity?”

Oh no. My brain immediately goes to oh no when someone brings this up.

“Um … why do you ask?” I say, probably showing amusement and concern on my opposite-of-poker-face.
“Who have you been compared to?”
“I don’t want to say … it might sway it …”
“Michael Cera.”

Yep. Michael Cera. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s awesome. I’m a huge fan of Arrested Development and Scott Pilgrim. He is one funny dude. But, I think a lot of the humor from him comes from the fact that he’s so awkward. Also, although it’s weird to say this about another fella, I think he’s charming because he’s so disarming. So, I usually take this as a mixed bag compliment. But, really, I have gotten the comparison a number of times. And on dates, too.

There I am, trying to be funny and charming and cool, and they say, “ok, Cera.”

BUT! This time I got some good advice from The Storyteller:

“Start coming up with an immediate funny comparison comeback that leaves her thinking hey he really is a witty, funny guy and humble too.”

That is much better than my usual response of shrugging and saying, “yeah … ok.”

So if there’s a girl out there who likes the awkward charm of a three-legged puppy – give me a call some time.


Attn: Ellen (5/9/12)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here’s my crack at the guy’s internal monologue:

“Man, she’s hot … Except maybe too literally … Yep, the ability to light yourself on fire is a con … But she called me handsome!! … Eh, she did kill those kids … But she owns a lot of form-fitting clothes!! …”


P.S. Will they go on a third date!? Yes. Yes they will.

Why am I sending these postcards?

Diary of a Mad Dater

I have made some mistakes in my life. It just so happens that a number of them happen on first dates.

Example 1

I am walking the girl to her car and she opens her purse to get her car keys. It’s a tiny purse, more like a wallet really, and a bunch of cash is in there.

Me: “Oh you going to pay me?”
Her: (confused look, you know, because who says that, but she’s pretty quick so she says) “Pay you for what?”

That’s when … yep, that’s when I shimmied.

Example 2

I told the Rachel Ray story. You know, where I got drunk and yelled, “Rachel Ray you’re an ass hole!”

In retrospect, this is not good “first-date material.”

Example 3

Me: “Yeah, I just find racist jokes kinda funny.”

Then I rambled on for a few minutes trying to prove how I’m not racist, probably solidifying her opinion of me as being a racist.

Example 4

I was talking about hanging out with friends who speak Spanish, and I don’t. I said that one night while hanging out with them I went ahead and translated their conversation, out loud, in front of them.

Me: “So one guy would say something and then I’d say, ‘oh your cat, his name is Whiskers, and he is your absolute favorite.’ And then the girl talked and I said, ‘oh but Whiskers, what an adorable name! In my country my cat’s name is Boots.’ … It’s pretty dumb that I do that, but it keeps me entertained.”

I don’t know if my date said this right away, or if it came later, but she compared me to Charlie Day, from It’s Always Sunny. Good date!

The translations thing, when that happened, was also funny because the Spanish-speaking folks just tuned me out. That was a pretty smart move on their part.

Example 5

Her: “Ugh. And people with blogs.”
Me: (Silence. Probably a grin.)

My Zombie Roomy (9/15/11)

In light of my theoretically romantically involved Zombie roommate, I wanted to learn more about Zombie dating rituals.

I couldn’t find anything via, well, anything, so I turned to my (and everyone’s) favorite – fuzzy logic. I’ll use myself as the benchmark.

First, let’s take the facts.

I like food. The Zombie likes food.

I play video games or sports or watch movies when I’m bored. The Zombie stares listlessly. Or he eats humans.

When I’m upset I want to be alone (but really I also want people to reach out and try nice things). When the Zombie is upset he disappears for a few days (presumably to eat people).

When I like a girl I think about her and try (too hard) to be funny. When the Zombie likes a girl he gets batteries, sunglasses and condoms from Target.

See? Fuzzy logic! You’re with me, right?

Happy Valentine’s!

“Valentine’s Day is like a shark. If you don’t watch out, it’ll sneak up on you and kill you.”

– Billy Shakespeare (his early work)

Hope you’re having a nice, sappy day. Here’s a sappy video for you.

Attn: Ellen (2/9/11)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

I hope your Valentine’s is as romantic as Spiderman is awesome.

Oh wait. That’s impossible.


%d bloggers like this: