The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Short Short Stories’

Smooth Criminal

The bank job had gone all wrong. There wasn’t even one moment after it started where things were going right. Tommy had tripped while moving into his position and his gun fired.

All hell broke loose after that.

With some quick thinking and surprisingly intelligent gut instincts from the crew, we still managed to get the money … But the cops were on to us from the start.

Our driver was good, but not that good.

As the police were closing in on us I had a flash of brilliance.

“Guys – when the cops finally get to us here’s what you do.

“Tommy, Stick out your tongue and make moose antlers with your fingers.

“Shoes, Ask a cop if you can pull his finger.

“Donnie, Yell out ‘stranger danger – mommy said to never talk to strangers!!’ when a cop starts yelling at you.

“And I will -”

One of the fellows cut me off. Not everyone on the crew is as smooth an operator as I am. They wanted to know why we should act like a bunch of kids.

“Guys,” I said this almost laughing, our jail time would be nothing, couldn’t they see?, “I’ve heard about cases where someone gets less time because they’re juvenile.”

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Short Short Stories

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Free Range Cattle

When he discovered his son in the barn with a joint he was incredibly upset. He just stood there, boiling with anger, unable to react because of all the thoughts racing through his mind. He was about to start on a yell-oriented lecture when he became even angrier: his son was laughing. With his eyes bulging he let the look on his face start the lecture for his son, but it seemed irrelevant. His son was usually much better than this, and smarter. Every little chuckle, every grin, smirk, and stifled laugh only added days to the pending punishment – but still the laughter came from his son. Finally, he had to put aside his pride and admit defeat. The laughter would not stop, and sheer curiosity had begun to replace the anger. “Dad …” his son started to say without prompt, “Dad,” he repeated, and then gestured to the cows and to his joint, “I figured out a way to make free-range veal!”

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Short Short Stories

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Meanwhile, in an NES Game

– Honey … Do you hear that?
– Woah! Who is that coming to our house in the middle of the night?
– I don’t know, but I’m afraid.
– Don’t be, darling, I’m sure he won’t –
– He just walked in.
– Well, so he did.
– …
– …
– He just walked right by us!
– Is he … Is he going for our cabinets?
– What kind of person is this!? He’s just – wait he just took some of our food!
– Do something, dear!
– Do what!? Do you see that sword he has clipped to his side?
– Yes but … You could say something!
– He’s not coming for us, I say we just ignore it.
– Oh … He’s left.
– See, that wasn’t so bad. We’re just short some food, but we still have our lives.

(Some time later)

– He’s back!
– Ah! Maybe this time he’ll …
– Nope. He’s just gone and taken our food again.
– Sure enough.
– Why did you restock the pantry already!?

(Some time later)

– Swordy is back.
– Uh oh.
– You restocked the pantry again?
– The house feels incomplete if I haven’t!
– Ugh.
– You know I get the sneaking suspicion that he’s actually spoken to us before, but for some reason we can never remember and we end up saying the same things over and over to him so he just ignores us now.
– Right, like we don’t have any memory whatsoev … Are you restocking the pantry?
– Yes, of course, why wouldn’t I?

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Short Short Stories

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