The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘teenagers’

Keeping Up With the Kids

Recently I spent a week in California with a bunch of family. Among that family was a 16 year old niece and a 12 year old nephew. Naturally, I took the opportunity to catch up on the latest slang to continue to bring you, dear reader, the latest and most important news. Light on facts, heavy, on, commas.

Without further ado, here is some new slang.

  • Bath water waves – something drug-related
  • More ovaltine, please! – something drug-related
  • Slimy soup – something drug-related
  • Mr. Peabody’s Dentures – something sex-related
  • You going for a jog? – something exercise-related, possibly also drugs
  • Pokemon Stay – something sex-related
  • Shiny shiny wigs – something drug-related

There you go, readers. Listen for these phrases to know when to yell at the youth.

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Du Jour of the Week

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TalkBack!

If you don’t have a fancy smart phone, you’ve probably got a friend with one. They’re everywhere.

If you’ve been around these people enough you may have seen them grab the phone and talk into it. “Call … Grandma.” Then wha-la, the phone calls your grandma. Or possibly Pakistan (that technology isn’t fool-proof just yet).

Anyhow – it inspired in me this app idea.

TalkBack!

Everyone loves teenagers! They’re so precocious, full of zest, and their attitude inspires … something. Don’t you wish you had their colorful outlook all the time? Get TalkBack!

When you speak to your phone, to issue a simple command, TalkBack! kicks in. Several things can happen, just like when you talk to a teenager!

1 – The phone will ignore you.
2 – The phone will respond, letting you know what it thinks of your command. There are over 500 responses with TalkBack! Responses include:

  • Why don’t you make the call? Lazy much?
  • Huh?
  • Hold on, I’m busy.
  • Oh my God you are kidding – you seriously want me to do that!?
  • Uh … what? Sorry every time you open your mouth I stop paying attention. But sure, try to tell me what it was you said again.

3 – The phone will turn off.

4 – The phone will explain how the F in English is because you’ve yet to get the latest video game, because, I mean really, so much time is wasted walking to and from the friends house who has that game and that time could be spent reading.

5 – The phone will do what you say.

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Du Jour of the Week

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De Jour of the Week (6/20/10)

6/20/2010

I re-read this poem and it makes me sound very crotchet-y old man-like. That’s only partly true. Really it’s just fun to make fun of loud, trampy 13 year old kids.

Ode to the Mall Food Court

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’ve got nothing to do
I make a decision that I’ll soon rue
Yes, I’m on my way to the mall
To window shop and have a real ball.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re 13 years old for God’s sake,
So put some damn clothes on.

I arrive and holy cow look at that parking lot
I’m liable to rot before I find a spot
Aha!, a spot!, there, by the Sears
Please don’t walk in the middle of the street my-could-you-walk-any-slower dears.

The parking lot experience is now behind me
And I’m approaching the mall entrance quickly
What treasures will I find here today
And at what overpriced prices will I get to pay.

I’m in the body of the mall, looking for one of those maps
How long until Apple has a ‘You Are Here’ mall map apps?
The video game store is calling to me first
Then some Sbarro for pizza I always think will be better than it is, and a drink to quench my thirst.

“Excuse me,” the gaggle of ten year olds move aside
I feel awkwardly old and tall – yes, I’m an adult that likes the ‘Star Wars Legos’ game, don’t be snide.
With a new, used video game in my hands
I’m heading to the food court to let mall-food grease fill my glands.

Are those shorts, or are you wearing a wedgie?
Shouldn’t you have hit puberty before owning a shirt with the playboy bunny?
I’m in the food court, and I’m having trouble getting around
These teenagers are dressed like idiots, and they make so much sound.

Where are the parents, where is someone not on a cell!
Jeans that skinny can’t be serving your, you know, that well.
I’m in line for my pizza and I’m overhearing some ‘conversations’
The future is bright! It’s hopeful! … But I’ve got my reservations.

I survived the mall, which is saying something
And I’ll admit I’m judgmental and harsh – but not over nothing.
People, please, make your sons and daughters wear pants that fit –
And parents who dress like those kids – you look dumb as shit.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re 13 years old for God’s sake,
So put some damn clothes on.

Copyright 2010 Brad Stanley

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Du Jour of the Week

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