The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘zombie’

My Zombie Roomy (10/31/13)

You’d think I was a bad roommate, or at least oblivious, based on how little I’ve written about the Zomb. I don’t really have an excuse for the lack of updates … But I promise they will be coming soon (like Monday of next week). Yes, that’s right, Monday will have part 2 of the Great Zombino and I’s Smelly Brush With Death (at least my brush with death, seeing as how he is already fully coated in it).

Today I want to brag about myself though, and what an awesome roommate I am.

There is a drive in movie theatre not too terribly far from where I live and they are showing three horror movies tonight – a Halloween special. As a special gift to my buddy, my pal, we are going there tonight. He doesn’t know it yet but it’s true.

This is a gift for the Zombie for several reasons:

1) He doesn’t have to hide his stink or what he looks like – people will just think it’s a killer costume (Halloween is his favorite holiday, after all … see here, here, or here, oh or here …)

2) He gets to be admired for his amazing costume

3) (Most importantly) We get to wreck some dates! Awesome! The Zombino loves a good joke, so I am sure he will manage to sneak up on some unsuspecting promiscuous minded teenagers out to see some horror movies (Oh I’m so scared … Here I’ll hold you …) and he is going to foul up their plans with his impressive stench.

Happy Halloween everyone!

You would be absolutely right, on both accounts. But that’s for next week.

My Zombie Roomy (5/3/13)

Part 1

Zombies and Maslow’s Hierarchy, or Who to Semi-Trust and Who to Run Away from Screaming

Part 1 of this story is a little theory I have come up with based on the Zombino, zombie friends, and zombie enemies I have met over the past month or so. For this theory, we will look to our dear friend Abraham Maslow.

Layer 1 – Physiological – Yikes. These are zombies you do not want to mess with. You know in zombie movies how there is sometimes that zombie that is just the upper half of the body, and yet it continues to crawl toward you? That’s full-blown physiological state zombie. These guys will kill each other without hesitation if they think another zombie is in their way. Heck, sometimes just for fun I think. But that’s probably my fearful imagination.

Layer 2 – Safety – These zombies will stumble on a human, and they’ll attack together. If it was a group of physiological zombies? They’d kill the human, and at the same time try to kill each other just to have the meal all to itself. So, you’re still dead if you run across some safety state zombies, but know that you’re bringing them together. Awww.

Layer 3 – Love/Belonging – These are the zombies you picture when you picture zombies. Still pretty human. If you saw one for a split second you wouldn’t know it’s a zombie (just a weird, spaced out person). In movies, hordes of zombies gather together outside a building where there are humans inside. That’s because: A) they want dinner; and B) they like the company. Sure, no one admits that (for obvious reasons …) but it’s true.

Here’s the crazy thing about the belonging stage zombies. There is a definite bell curve in the zombie community. 70% of zombies are in this group, and because they hang around other zombies in this group, it keeps them in it. If a zombie gets half blown apart, or they fall behind, they sink to layer 1 (bad times ahead). If, on the other hand, the zombie leaves the group, and it gets to witness humans being good … well …

Layer 4 – Esteem – Now we’re talking. You’ve got a chance with these guys. If an esteem state zombie is coming at you and your child or loved one, and you put yourself in harms way to protect the other person? Bravo, hero, because this zombie will have the human element trigger somewhere in their foul-smelling head and you live to see another day. OR, you get killed quickly and mercifully.

Level 5 – The Great Zombino – Self-Actualization – The Zombino is the only level 5 zombie I met, as far as I could tell. I met a number of level 4 zombies (remember when I ran into that gang in the woods and the Zombie saved me? A bunch of level 4s).

A zombie gets to level 5, I think, by getting away from other zombies, and living life as close to a human as it can. Sure, it still stinks like a zombie, and eats like a zombie (which is troublesome), but level 5 zombies get boundaries. They have a sense of right/wrong for who to eat.

So … now your question should be, wait, when the Zombie was hanging out with all those level 4s … wouldn’t that bring him down a peg? And if a bunch of level 4s hang out together, doesn’t that put them in danger of devolving to level 3s?

You would be absolutely right, on both accounts. But that’s for next week.

My Zombie Roomy (4/22/13)

You know how sometimes you’ll be walking alone at night and you think, “man this is just like a horror movie” and then you think, “no, no, don’t do that.” But at the exact same time you’re thinking that phrase, your brain is also trying to figure out which horror movie villain goes perfectly with that night.

Sort of like how fancy people pair wine with whatever food they’re going to have.

In this case, it turns out that my imagination wasn’t running wild and creating a fearful situation in my head for no good reason, it was a warning that I should run for my life because two zombies were coming for me to kill me.

A classic mistake.

The Zombie, that guy!, it’d been a long while you know (based on the poncho he had in his car – I’ll get to all this – I’m back onto my theory that the Zombie is Mexican or at least Mexican-American). Anywho, the Zombie saved the day, mostly. He came flying up in this big, really loud truck (style, not actual volume) and ran over this thing. The thing turned out to be a zombie who was coming to get me.

Wait – I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself by starting at the end, or the middle, or maybe about 70% of the way into the story.

Let’s back up and re-visit Maslow’s Hierarchy and how it relates to zombies (this comparison is my own, based on the past month or so’s events with the Zombie).

For now I’ll break it up into 4 parts. And I’ll get to those when I’m feeling … you know, less covered in blood (it’s Sunday night and the Zombino and I just got back to my apartment after a rough weekend).

  • Part 1 – Zombies and Maslow’s Hierarchy, or Who to Semi-Trust and Who to Run Away from Screaming
  • Part 2 – The Zombie’s Gang and Their Mission or Should I Change My Home Address and Flee Now, or Later?
  • Part 3 – That God Awful Truck or How the Zombie Said Adios to Texas and Hola to Running Over Evil Zombies
  • Part 4 – This Weekend or How I Lost Four Pounds the Hard Way (Through Crying, Sweating, Puking, and Blood Loss)
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