The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for July, 2015

Here’s What I Would’ve Done

Imagine if life had moments like when you’ve just finished a round of Catchphrase or Taboo. Everyone around you offering up how they would’ve approached something that didn’t work out for you.

“You coulda kissed her.”
“Didn’t you see how she had her arm on your shoulder for like a minute after you guys hugged?”
“It was pretty clear.”
“Yeah, I would’ve done that way different.”

I know it’s pointless but I can’t help but take part in the practice. Why didn’t you reference this movie? Why didn’t you break the word up and solve it as two words?

“Yeah, you could’ve gotten a raise.”
“You definitely could’ve gotten a raise.”
“Why didn’t you at least ASK for a raise?”
“You do know you could be earning more money right now, right?”

Consider it a new resolution, a pointless one because offering up pointless tips is as involuntary as your head moving forward when you sneeze.

“If you had leaned back before you sneezed you wouldn’t have head butted the chair.”

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Du Jour of the Week

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Attn: Ellen (7/22/15)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Coming from Houston (a flat place if ever there was one), jogging in Carlsbad, California felt like I was in an Escher painting – every hill was somehow uphill. The next time I see someone with monster calves I will know – native Southern Californian.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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Call Signs that Mean Something is About to Go Down

Let’s say you’re out and about, and it’s near a holiday, and you overhear someone say something on a phone, or radio, or … any other device that I can’t think of. Something about it doesn’t seem right – the tone of voice, something in the air isn’t right, or maybe … maybe it’s a really dorky phrase.

Here are just five of the many possible bad joke call signs/code phrases that let you know something is about to go down.

“This is Roundhouse … Things are kicking off.”

“This is bull, I’m at the China shop.”

“Papa Smurf, this is Azrael, I’m on the prowl.”

“One checking in …”
“Two checking in …”
“Three checking in …”
“Four checking in …”
“Sounds like we’re ready to rock.”

“This is sugar, I’m at the spice factory, commencing operation ‘make nice.'”

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Du Jour of the Week

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