The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for December, 2016

Attn: Ellen (12/21/16)

Front

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Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

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The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If I was nefarious, and a hacker, I would hack Google and Amazon to give one response to any “Ok, google” or “Alexa” query someone might have.

Then, Christmas morning, excited people everywhere would set up their new Google Home or Amazon Echo Dot and they’d say, “play Jingle Bell Rock!” and then a few seconds pause before the device says, “I can’t wait to watch you while you sleep tonight …” then start playing Jingle Bell Rock.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Why am I doing this?

Fan Mail + Working Out

Dear DumbFunnery,

Do you have any thoughts or advice about working out?

Sincerely,
Fictional Reader

Hey Fictional Reader, thanks for writing in. As always, feel free, dear readers, to hit me with questions at my Facebook page (though I’d likely never see it), Twitter, comments on posts, or email (DumbFunnery@gmail.com).

It’s cold where I live now (having come from Houston and now living in Colorado – I laugh at my previous definition of cold) and excuses during winter time are easy to find. Sure, those excuses might take different forms like a tough day at work, getting home too late, being hungry for dinner already, etc, but I think right now the only real reasons I am opting out of jogs are – it’s dark early, and it’s so dang cold.

Here are my rules for myself when it comes to working out.

1 – Have a plan

  • That’s not just what I am doing today, but what I am doing for the course of a month, or longer. Ideally, there is a goal I am working to – some 5k or half-marathon.
  • I think a plan is important because it’s easy to work out once and then reward yourself with a day or two off, which can easily change into a resolution to start working out the first day of the next month.
  • If you set realistic goals (realistic meaning not too much progress, goal means yes you have to be uncomfortable and push yourself) then you have a course of action to follow.

2 – Remove any available excuse you think you might use

  • Life happens, and sometimes you stay at work til 6 when you’d planned to leave at 4:30. If you still work out that day even though you wanted to start your work out at 4:45 or 5? Phew, good on you. Did you have one of those truly awful days of work? Are you upset over news, or celebrating some news? I get it, it’s easy to pass on the work out and pay attention to that.
  • But if life happens regularly, and if you often come home a bit later than planned or have something unexpected pop up at a regular rate, or are generally home too happy or annoyed to work out … it’s time to start planning for that.
  • It is very easy to come up with an excuse for taking the day off, and so you’ll need to put some practices in place to limit the availability of those excuses.
    • Work too late regularly? Bring a banana for a late afternoon snack
    • Worn down/annoyed/whatever after work? Time to try working out before work (or embrace the fact that a post-work workout wipes out stress like a champ)
    • Too cold out? Start pinching pennies until you can afford some running tights and a balaclava (actually I use a neck gaiter, but balaclava is more fun to say)
    • Weather is just intolerable for outdoor workouts? Find a gym you can afford, or find some workouts for inside your home.
    • Know that you just can’t do this alone? Find a buddy. Don’t have one? Hit me up (see above) and I’ll check in on you to see what you’re doing, or if you’re not doing it what your excuses are, and then we can gameplan together on how to reduce those

 

That’s it friends. It’s winter, it’s the holidays, it’s the perfect time to chow down on good food. Why not make it tastier with a workout?

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1 – Pull that puppy up around your nose and oh life is good; 2 – The minus 33 neck gaiter is what I use and it’s delightful; 3 – I think I look cooler than this guy when I wear mine

Technology With a Personality

When I was in high school, my parents mini-van provided good entertainment. It had taken on a personality. While driving, the lights in the car would randomly flicker on and off and the locks would also switch a couple times – locked, unlocked, locked, locked, locked.

When designing something that people will interact with – from a website, to a computer, to a car – the manufacturer probably wants to follow ‘the principle of least astonishment.’ This is exactly what it sounds like (but if you want to read about it, here you go). When you do X, what would you expect to happen? Well, the manufacturer likes to think they know what you think would happen … and they’ve built it that way.

When technology gets older it can begin to fail. And then, what once held no astonishment now holds astonishment at every corner. ‘When I turn the steering wheel, my brights come on … huh.’ The personality the mini-van had developed was really just a sign of the car failing.

If you wanted to write a scifi novel about a society of perfect humans that are equal and impeccable in all things and then along comes this person who had a manufacturing flaw and suddenly that person is the most interesting person on Earth … you could do that I guess. I mean, I’d see where you were going and all. Kind of obvious though, don’t you think? Celebrating our flaws that way? It just feels a little contrived. Honestly, to think of a screen play … Human 724789232156, one of any number of people in a society manufactured and perfected by technology … a society where all men and women truly are created equal … Where there is no hunger, or sadness, or confusion of purpose in life. All people are impeccable … but a minor glitch one day produces … Human 724789232156 as the one who is not quite an impeccable human … Yes, it’s KEVIN JAMES AS Mr. PECCABLE! Coming this Christmas!)

Let’s get back to topic. Over Thanksgiving I bought a FANCY new camera – a DLSR! I am excited about this, but it maybe wasn’t the best way to spend my money. You see, my iPhone 4s is a little old as far as phones go and it is now FULL of personality.

-> Browsing Facebook at 43%? Interrupted by a message saying I have less than 10% battery life and sure enough, it jumped from 43% to 1%
-> Made a note? Why not have the phone make random duplicates with no discernible pattern? Sure, I could use 7 copies of this note
-> Want to head out on a jog? Sure, just log in to Nike+ … just log in … just log … ugh … eh, I don’t know if I really wanted to jog anyway

What’s my point? Am I suggesting you delay the need for new technology, embracing the reduce aspect of reduce/reuse/recycle? Welcoming the eventual software or hardware decay with a look of astonishment, and a smirk? Am I giving the weakest ever pitch for someone else to write a movie script, get that movie script sold, and then give me like 10% of the profits or at least let me take some silly photos with Kevin James?

I’ll leave that to you to figure out, dear reader.

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I bet his one flaw is that he cares too much. Or maybe he winks inappropriately at everyone.