The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘google’

Attn: Ellen (12/21/16)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)


The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

If I was nefarious, and a hacker, I would hack Google and Amazon to give one response to any “Ok, google” or “Alexa” query someone might have.

Then, Christmas morning, excited people everywhere would set up their new Google Home or Amazon Echo Dot and they’d say, “play Jingle Bell Rock!” and then a few seconds pause before the device says, “I can’t wait to watch you while you sleep tonight …” then start playing Jingle Bell Rock.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Why am I doing this?

Xenophobic, AND Fun!

You know what’s kind of xenophobic, but also kind of fun? I’ll tell you!

Go to Google Translate (a great tool) and type a phrase in your native language, then in the other box pick a language to translate it to.

As you type the translation will show up, and for the majority of languages a little icon will appear that says out loud your phrase in the other language. What fun!

Now, here’s where the xenophobia comes into play.

Type a simple phrase like, “I have a doctorate in giving hugs.”

Then play the phrase in another language. Then another language. Then ANOTHER language! Why? To see which language makes things sound like threats!

You could even mix it up with a James Bond-type phrase, “So we meet again. This time, I assure you, the pleasure will be all mine.”

And, for good measure, go for something weird, “The dinosaurs are here, and they look hungry. Where’s grandma?”

Animal Facts! (Gorilla, Flamingo, Capybara, Kangaroo)


Whenever he’s sad you can bet that these two words will cheer him up: “nudie bar.”

Finds cereal romantically charming.

Dreams of owning an eyeglasses store called, “You Wouldn’t Punch a Guy With Glasses, Would Ya?”

Forgot to read the assignment – but even worse … forgot to come up with an excuse about why he didn’t read the assignment.

Doesn’t do ANYTHING at work. Here’s why: whenever anyone comes up and asks him to do something he says VERY slowly, “I understand what you’re saying … theoretically … but I’m lost in the details. Can we go over it again?” Eventually the person asking gives up.



When things get hectic he likes to grab everyone’s attention by yelling, “listen!, LISTEN! … listen?”

Likes to say “Google this” and then point to … it’s not important.

Noble and majestic 90% of the time. The other 10% we won’t get into.

Voted YES on Proposition ‘Replace Yo’ Face.’

Looking back on life, regrets having not more of a ‘je ne sais fromage’ attitude. Also he wishes he knew French.



When he gets upset he talks to himself – the thing is, he calls himself ‘toots.’

Set Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” song to pictures of the planet Saturn.

Mails himself threatening postcards around Christmas – it’s a holiday tradition.

He’s a know-it-all. And, what makes it worse is that he’s generally correct.

If there was a black, female Bobby Fisher – he would be her soul mate.



Didn’t hear about ‘Where’s Waldo’ books until college, and the first time someone excitedly shouted ‘Where’s Waldo!’ he assumed it was a euphemism.

An old fashioned gun-slinger, but with horribly racist comments instead of bullets.

Considers himself the Fabio of not showering. (This doesn’t mean anything – all you need to know is, if there’s open seating, you don’t want to sit by him.)

Desperately wants to have a friend dating someone from the panhandle in Oklahoma, so he can say, “what’s wrong? Panhandle the relationship?”

Took an online ‘IQ Test’, tried to look up every answer online, and still didn’t ace it. Ouch.

My Zombie Roomy (3/5/10)

The zombie always wears these tattered clothes.

I brought him home this Dallas Cowboys shirt and a pair of cargo pants I got from a goodwill store, and he just stared at them. He didn’t try them on or say thanks or anything.

I thought, ‘well, screw you too, zombie.’ I mean, at least thank me for the effort!

Anyway, I came home today and he was wearing the new stuff!

But he had ripped them up, so he must love the tattered look.

I googled ‘tattered look + zombie,’ and I found out it’s a cultural thing. I guess I shouldn’t have been so close-minded. Living with a zombie is a lot more educational than I ever thought it’d be.

[Also congrats to TS Hendrik who totally forecasted this joke.]


Check this out!

I clicked on the ‘brad stanley photography’ one, and the second major google entry that comes up is … my site! Sweet! Also that particular one mentions JMundie’s photography site, which is cool (and here).

This is both awesome and creepy. Awesome because mine is the first! Creepy because holy cow would you look at all the other ones? I mean, sure Brad Pitt is a buff, good looking dude … but weird. I’m thankful his name is not Brad Stanley or I’d never have a shot of making it on Google.

And yes, I’m a big enough tool that I search my name to see how I’m doing on Google. What can I say, I want to get published (did you know that?), and that takes dumb luck. And my dumb luck increases with every visit!

Thanks everyone who has visited, please keep doing so, and tell folks about my site!!!

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