The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

Mom, Dad … I’m a Keyboardist

Son: Guess what! I’m in a band!
Dad: Good for you!
Mom: My cool son!
Dad: So what kind of music is it?
Son: It’s a world beat kind of thing with a lot of South American music … I play the keyboard and –
Mom: Honey …
Son: Yeah?
Mom: Dear … It’s ok, we’ve known since you were young. Frankly we were wondering when you’d tell us. You didn’t have to invent this keyboardist story.
Son: What?
Dad: Yes, we love you! We’re more progressive than you give us credit for.
Son: What are you guys talking about!?
Dad: Well … That you’re gay …
Son: WHAT!?
Mom: Isn’t keyboardist code for gay?
Son: No! I’m a keyboardist in a band – if anything women will be throwing themselves at me!
Mom: Yeah, for fashion advice.
Son: Oh shut UP!
Dad: Son!!! You DO NOT tell your mother to shut up!
Son: I’m sorry, that was really … It’s just, seriously, I’m not gay and this is very upsetting …
Dad: Oh wait – I just realized – on the shows with gay people they tell women to shut up, and much worse, and they just laugh … I guess that’s part of the deal with being gay.
Mom: Oh honey, you want to take me shopping?
Son: This is awful. I am so angry at you guys. I’m going to hang out with my band.
Mom: Ok sweety, have fun with your “band”! Maybe we can meet him some day?
Son: Aggfhhhhhh!!!

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Corporate Humor

My friend Juicebox suggested I write a post about classic corporate jokes. Oh how I loathe these. He sits right by me at work and hears when I do my fake laugh over some standard line. But I take part in these. I do the fake laugh, and I say the standard response. It’s like when you get a corporate job you’re going to a Catholic Church service. When the co-worker says “The word of the Lord” you say “Thanks be to God.”

Today’s joke that inspired this conversation was a co-worker coming in and saying, “did you miss me?” To which I replied “who are you again?” Oh so funny. Stop me if I’m too cutting edge here.

The Haircut Joke (read about my favorite response to being asked about a haircut HERE)

“Did you get a hair cut?”
“More than just one!”

The Lunchtime Joke

(Seeing co-workers walking in with food.)
“Oh lunchtime, huh? What’d you bring me?”

The Monday Joke

“How’s it going?”
“Well at least it’s not Monday!”
“Oh ho ho .. HA! Ha ha ha!”

The Any Day but Friday Joke

“Is it Friday yet?”
“Haha! Oh boy, I wish!”
“Hey (random coworker’s name who is nearby), you invent that time machine yet?”
“I’m still working on the printer that never jams that you asked for last week!”
(And then everyone instantaneously explodes out of the sheer stupidity of it all.)

That One

“Working hard? Or hardly working?”

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Putting a Damper on Good News

Sometimes life is tough. I won’t give any examples because it is easy enough to know what I mean.

Sometimes, life is wonderful. Good news comes your way and makes you forget where you are. All you know is your smile and how great life is because life, at that moment, is just that bit of amazing news.

What I’m wondering is – how can announcements of good news be brought back to the realm of reality? What way could good news be delivered so that, instead of having to keep yourself from jumping with joy, you simply say, “…uh…cool…thanks?”

Let’s look at some examples …

  1. You could receive the news that you and your spouse, after trying very hard, are going to have a baby!!! … But the news is delivered by Richard Simmons, suspended from a rope, hanging outside your bedroom window.
  2. Your dream job is yours – all that work, all that preparation – it’s finally your day and you’re absolutely sure you’re going to OWN that job. This news delivered by an animatronic figure of a child, but with a 360 degree rotating head that finished sentences with a guttural cry to the cosmos rather than the traditional pause implying a period.
  3. You have won the lottery!!, this news is stapled to the back of a now (how would you like being stapled) angry lioness who has just charged through your front door. Time to pause “Scandal”, put aside your leftover pasta, and run for your life to the nearest place to claim your winnings.

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