The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

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Working on My Communication

In light of her telling me
(Not so succinctly,
I might add ironically)
That communication is to me what the heel is to Achille

I want to compliment her with words that will be like flowers
Yes, I’ll unleash my verbal super powers
(I could pontificate for hours and hours)

It is imponderable
How can you pack a baleful
Of kindness in that skull
AND be a heaven-sent eyeful.
It’s almost intolerable
How you can be so beautiful
And conversationally wonderful.

Yes, my darling, my sweet, I should compliment you more often
So that your look, in that cute way, will soften
And you will stop imagining me in my coffin

Just answer me this question
(Which is a not-so-subtle suggestion)
If I’m the one working on my communication
(In an attempt to avoid future condemnation)

How many more times could I have said I wanted to watch this game?
So please … love muffin … move out of the frame.

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Dear Friends and Family, part 2

As a thoughtful person, I will arrange my apologies in three categories: friends and family, random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers, and people I confessed my love for.

Friends and family:

During those weeks I spent in my shelter I realized the error of my ways. Can I live without you? No. Would I be better off if I never saw you again? No! Do I wish we’d never even met? Perish the thought!

Why would I have said such things? Temporary insanity! Clearly! I mean, come on, I believed in the Mayan Apocalypse! Let’s all laugh about that, and enjoy some friendly ribbing! I can take an insult as well as I can give one … But, don’t you want to learn from my mistakes and be better than me? I think you do. Let’s do each other a favor: you should forgive me and I will hang out with you like before.

Random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers:

Any negative experiences you underwent as the result of alleged interactions with me are truly unfortunate, and I, as any decent person would, wish only the best for you.

People I confessed my love for:

First of all, I feel like I have a big heart, so the idea of me having several people who are “my one and only” is not THAT unrealistic. I want to make that clear.

Unfortunately, traditional thinking will probably keep you from understanding how big my heart is – so I am deeply sorry about confessing my love to four people  (two of whom are married, and those apologies extend to the husbands as well).

To the guy I confessed my love for … I wanted to see what it felt like. As someone who works in a laboratory, I feel like you should be impressed at my scientific approach. What does it feel like to tell a man you love him? For me, eh.

I guess we both learned something that day, you’re not gay, and I need a girlfriend. Look at that, jokes about myself! See! I can give and receive this kind of “bashing!” What fun!

Oh, and happy New Year everyone!

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Dear Friends and Family

We all make mistakes, don’t we?

I think every one of us regards Aunt Lois with great respect, even though eight years ago she sent money to help a “Nigerian Princess” or some such thing. Why do we still respect her? Because she had pure intentions and overall she has been an incredibly intelligent, kind, and clear-thinking woman.

I bring this up because I feel like I have had my “Nigerian Princess” moment in the form of living in a bomb shelter for the past few weeks, having assumed the Mayans had nailed it, and also having said a few not so fond fair-wells.

First off, a quick apology. My bad! Seriously! I’ll get back to this, but the next thing I want to talk about is my stuff.

Please everyone give me back my stuff.

And sorry if I cursed you out as I gave you my stuff.

Joey, even though you called me a moron, I gave you my TV. Yes, I gave you the TV with the implication that I hoped you would enjoy reruns of Frasier in Hell, but let’s look at that statement.

Overall, it’s positive. There’s hope, I mention a show you enjoy, and I gave you my TV. The only negative part was the whole Hell thing – but, as you and I have debated, we can’t really know if Heaven and Hell exist.

Why would someone not give me back a TV after such a kind act? I don’t know, Joey, but apparently you must have a reason because I still don’t have my TV.

Don’t worry, everyone!, I have good news too! This morning I went to a garage sale where a number of my things  were being sold (uncool, man, I don’t know if we can become friends again after that … but I suppose I would be willing to forgive you for that, if you forgave me for telling your wife she could’ve done better).

Please come back tomorrow for the apologies.

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