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Chum Week

Dear TV,

Have I got an idea for YOU!

Shark Week.

We all know it, we all love it, or at least pretend to love it to take part in mentioning it over and over. It’s a week of TV, and it’s all about sharks. Where do they shop? What do they eat? What’s their biggest fear (water spiders? do those exist?)? Etc, etc.

Sharks, sharks, sharks.

But what about the little guys who help bring us that grand affair, huh? What about the chum?

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Recently I saw my brother and I was wearing this shirt. He asked if I was making a statement about shark week … you know, think of the little guy. Thus – THIS POST!

For example, maybe there are some recipes for chum that even people would like. Mmmm, smells tasty mom! Is that various fish parts and blood?! Yum! Wait, now with seasoning!? Aw mom, you’re the best!!

What was the chum up to before it was caught, thrown into some factory-sized blender, and cranked out in buckets to attract our pals at SHARK WEEK?

And hey, speaking of chums, maybe we profile some famous buddies in addition to the fish guts. Didn’t Abraham Lincoln hang out with Nikola Tesla, or did I just make up that entirely false bit of trivia just this moment?

I don’t know, you’ll have to tune into Chum Week to find out.

(P.S. Naturally, chum week will have to occur right before shark week. It is only fitting.)

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The Porn Industry and the Ever-Increasing Rise of Robot Technology

We’ve got a real dilemma on our hands here, don’t we porn industry?

I am going to be bold and predict that in 10 years all of the major pizza chains, your Papa Johns, your Pizza Huts, your Dominoes, your … other ones? … will no longer be hiring delivery boys or girls. Nope. It’ll be self-driving cars. Your pizza will ACTUALLY show up still hot because the car will be a self-driving, 200 degree pizza toting pal.

Sure, sure, that’s all well and good for the average pizza consuming person but … what about the porn industry?

Are we to expect that extraordinarily desperate and lascivious women are waiting, scandily clad, by their door for the pizza … vehicle?

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The pizza of choice for Racist Robots.

I don’t think so.

Car: ‘Pizza for customer … Wanda Bang.’
Women who just dropped her towel: ‘Oh … hi. Self-driving Ford Fiesta. I’ll just take the pizza. Thanks.’

Yes, people are weird. SUPER WEIRD. But how big is the market for girl on truck action? Like, not literally girl ON truck … clearly there is a market for that based on how many rednecks you see with bumper stickers of women on their trucks. No I mean girl on truck as in like … you know … that thing …

I don’t know what to do. Slow down technological progress? Stop it altogether? Pretend delivery boys still exist? New porn ‘plots’?

I’m afraid I don’t have any solutions, but I just wanted to point out the problem and hope the internet hive mind can come up with a brilliant solution.

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Die Hand

Germany … you’re an odd place. And here’s why I say that.

The German word for neck is hals. The word for back is zurück. And ear is ohr. Eye is auge.

Distinct, unique. Clearly words the Germans had thought, ‘we should make words for these things.’

But here’s where they lose me.

The German word for hand … is hand.

The German word for arm … is arm.

The German word for finger … is finger.

It’s like they just completely forgot about those body parts until one day some Germans were hanging out with some English and the Germans realized, ‘oh crap … we don’t have names for any of the stuff connect to our brust (which means chest) … we should come up with names.’

Englishman: ‘and what do you guys call hands?’

German: ‘die hand.’

Englishman: ‘…no, like, in your language.’

German: ‘yah, hand … is hand.’

I would’ve been a pretty skeptical Englishman if I had heard, in sequence, that the German’s words for arm, hand and finger were … arm, hand and finger. And it’s not like the Germans forgot about appendages altogether. Leg is bein, foot is Fuß, and toe is zehe.

Germans, eh, they’re an odd bunch.

Flag of Germany.svg
Public Domain, Link

 

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