The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

De Jour of the Week (6/7/10)

6/7/2010

I just got a haircut!

Fancy New Haircut!

I tell the clerk my name and take a seat
I pick up a national geographic from 4 years ago
(The article on that African tribe is really neat)
I can’t wait for the barber to hack off this fro

Oh man, that lady cutting hair looks really angry
But that one over there is really chatty
Angry-scissor wielding, or awkward small talk for me

Guy who is practically bald – I don’t get you
15 dollars to snip at four hairs and call it a hairdo?

They called my name!? I think? Was that my name?
“Uh …” my name or not, it’s my turn just the same

“Hi, how are you, nice to see you, whaddya want,”
Ahhhh, the impeccable grace of the hair-cutting debutante

Pointing to a picture on the wall
“Like that?, but not as short …”
“K,” she says without looking at the picture on the wall
To thoughts of ‘don’t fall asleep at the wheel!’ I quickly resort

“Thick hair,” with amusement.
“Enough hair for ten people,” with amazement.
“Eh … yikes,” like I’m varmint.
“When’s the last time you got a haircut?,” with derision-ment.

Snip, snip, goodbye locks of … like
No more will I have this head that is so mop-like

Out of my daydream (I was a millionaire quarterback!)
And I get a small attack

When I said ‘like that, but not as short,’
She must’ve heard, ‘please make it shorter than short, short, short.’

“You look better with shorter hair,” she says
To the person standing over me holding scissors, I lie, “yes.”

At last! – my fancy new haircut
And my post-haircut ritual
Feel in a rut,
Grab a beanie, ball cap, newsboy hat – anything while in hair-withdrawal.

De Jour of the Week (4/26/10)

My Degree from Sewanee

I got my degree
From Sewanee
You see
I’m a doctor of divinity

My sermons are bigger than life
Rife
With strife
And with a conclusion that encourages sacrifice

Like sugar on your ear buds
I’m a hot knife and my conversations’ spuds
With my words in tow you go from duds
To studs

My devotional
Is emotional
And quotable
And never dull

Yes, me and my degree
From Sewanee
Practice divinity
Of which I’m a doctor, you see

I know the Bible
And I’m more than liable
To save your soul
If my words you let fill you full

If I’m wrong
And it turns out I strung you along
Pick up your harmonica and sing your song
Because if you’re wrong when it comes to this, wrong is really wrong

What if there is a God
And wouldn’t this be odd
When people say his name in vain, God is quick to applaud
So the people we think flawed, would actually be awed

But me and my degree
From Sewanee
Will still be as divine as can be
Because there’s no malpractice suits for a doctor of divinity

De Jour of the Week (4/21/10)

I SUPPOSE if people read this and they think of conversations they’ve had with their parents that could be understandable. But me? Noooooooo. This was inspired by conversations with my know-it-all stuffed animal, Little Foot (from Land Before Time).

I Called for Your Two Cents, but I Got Ten

I called for your two cents
You’re smart and your advice makes sense
But now we’re twenty minutes in and I can’t help but wince

I laid out my problem nice and clear
Even telling the parts that make it clear I’m no dear
And you listened without judgment, allaying my worry and fear

You asked some questions for clarification
And you “hmmm’d” and “umm’d” in consternation
But we got the problem stated clearly, much to my gratification

You voiced a bit of life’s-hard-lessons reason
And threw in some light-hearted stuff to keep it fun
Not to be rude – but let’s get to it, please, say your advice and be done

Oh. Now you’re stating the obvious
And re-stating the facts is good, but in all fairness,
I’m afraid I’ll soon be tactless, vicious and ruthless

Why did I call you to get your advice?
I already had a plan, and my plan will suffice
You’re going to go from ‘sure I’ll help’ to ‘now, that wasn’t nice’

‘I know … yeah … yeah … I know … I know’
How tightly clenched can my jaw go?
Count to ten, self, find your inner calm and just … breathe … slow …

Finally, your thoughts are laid out there
Said with lots of thought and care
While my look burns a hole at whatever I fix my stare

I’m sorry, yes, thank you, you’re right
But remember – personal problems are heavy, another person’s are light
And I may appreciate your words when the problem’s end is in sight

I called for your two cents, but I got ten
Now I’ve got my original problem, plus a side of aggravation
But you know what – I’ll still be calling you again

On a personal note: Thanks mom (for reading the haikus and the compliment) and cousin G Pat (for being awesome)!