The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

De Jour of the Week (1/28/10)

1/28/10

McDonald’s at my desk + constant document reading = this poem.

Acro-Maniac!

Hi, hello, how are you! – it’s my first day
This is my background, how bout the weather here … this is all I say
“Here’s some reading material, have fun figuring it out, mmmk?”

Sure boss, no problem, I’ll hop right on it
With my determination and desire to succeed I am equipped
I’ll give it the old college try and these documents will soon be whipped.

Wait, what’s that acronym mean?
Whatever the hell they’re talking about is TBR, TBD (it remains to be seen)
Am I supposed to remember all this? I’m not a machine.

A list, my list, and what a list
I’ll keep track of all the acronyms so nothing will be missed
But with each new entry the list goes from scary, to scarier, to scariest

Soon I’ll become some sort of acro-maniac
Which is sort of like a brainiac
But a very limited one because it’s mostly a painiac-in-the-neckiac

And, what’s more, it’s ruining my personal life, and that’s no lie
A girl walked by, she smiled and said “hi”
And all i thought was ‘Hawaii? high integration? hypervelocity impact?’, meanwhile the female goes bye-bye.

Alphabet soup in a bowl is delicious
Alphabet soup on a page is malicious
And my ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ are getting vicious.

So don’t mind me, the new guy, sitting in my cube and having a cow
With my worried eyes, wrecked brain, and a ten foot scowl
What!, free cookies in the break room!?! I feel better now.

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Du Jour of the Week

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De Jour of the Week (1/20/10)

1/20/10

There will be more of these … later.

Just so you know, future me (i.e. the person who will find this most interesting and I’m writing this to remember it), I saw a few apartments today in Houston. One of them bordered a wildlife preserve. While taking the tour we went up to the fence – separating the apartments from the preserve – and there was a wild hog hanging out. Why wouldn’t there be?

A bit later my mom and I were driving around and we saw a sign that said, “Don’t Feed the Alligators – $500 fine.”

Oh boy!

If Tones Could Talk – Anger

Oh what have I just said
The room is suddenly ice, I’m dead.

Whatever I said wrong, I was joking
I take it back! I call my right to revoking.

You’ve just said my name, and slowwwwwlyyyyy
And now you’re staring past me/at me/through me.

That tone was all things threatening
My collar I’m loosening
My hands are sweating
My nervous laugh is too nervous to laugh, it’s gone into hiding
My lips I’m biting
My … my … my you’re intimidating.

Maybe you want dinner? Flowers? Candy?
(I’m looking around you to make sure there’s nothing heavy and throwable handy.)

My what a powerful word my name can be
When you say it so delicately/angrily/slowly.

I’m supposed to respond
You’re waiting for me to respond
Ok. Here we go. I’m going to respond.

“Um …”
Well, that was dumb.

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Du Jour of the Week

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De Jour of the Week (1/10/10)

1/10/10

I’m moving soon and will have to make new friends. This poem is purely fictional so it shouldn’t be that hard for my outgoing self to meet people ……..

I Couldn’t Help but Notice

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re not noticing me.
ME! … me … Cute old, little old, SINGLE old, me.
Why, oh why, won’t you notice me?

I’m noticing you,
Ohhhh yes I am noticing you,
So please, you,
Yes you,
Notice me too?

I may not have the nicest smile
And my stories may drag on for a while
But with bad poetry and thoughts that count I can beguile?

I’m a decent guy,
And I’ll mess up more often than not – but I’ll try
And, well, did I mention I’m a decent guy?

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re still not noticing me
And now, though it breaks my heart to say it, you’re noticing a she.

Just who is this she?
Is she just a she or is she a ’she …?’

Oh, phew, she is just a she,
I hear you discussing your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and how he makes you so angry.

I won’t make you angry!
That’s not true, I would probably make you very angry.
But here’s a challenge: until you’ve dated me you’ve never REALLY done angry.

I couldn’t help but notice, you just noticed me
And so of course I’m looking this way and that way and are you seriously looking at me?
I can’t be clever when YOU are noticing me!

Oh yes, I’ve just smiled in your general direction …
And I’m giving just the right amount of affection –
So that you can’t tell if I’m smiling at you or giving the wall a warm-hearted inspection.

Yes, my dear, that’s my charm on full blast
With such charm other guys in your life are memories in the distant past.

… Um, now what? …
Seriously, now what?
She’s staring, I’m staring, now what? …

I couldn’t help but notice, you’re not doing all of the work for me
You’re not coming over and talking to me
Forcing the words out of my mouth for me
Assuming, despite my lack of social grace, that there’s no one you’d rather be with than me
And then leaving your name and number and a patronizing pat on the hand for me.

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