The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

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Volunteer Ranger

Tonight (I wrote this a while ago) I am going to attend training to become a volunteer ranger. For posterity, I’d like to go ahead and state some assumptions and stereotypes I have about rangers, and then I can look back on this and see how right or wrong these preconceived notions were.

1. All rangers have the nickname Jean, or Jeanie, or are named Jean, or Jeanie. This is because Jean is a great name (Jeanie, admittedly less so) OR because rangers love wearing Jeans and they are the right combination of dull/pleasant that they sit around thinking of nicknames for each other and all they can come up with is the same nickname over and over.

2. Not all rangers were born in the midwest or the great white north (Minnesota, one of the Dakotas, that kind of region) but all of them are emotionally from those places. For example, you wouldn’t be shocked at all to hear a ranger say, ‘oh ya, you betcha!’ in response to a question like ‘are bears dangerous?’

3. If a ranger is invited to a formal event, like a very fancy wedding, and they are told it is a “black tie” event – that ranger (male or female) will inevitably bring a date who has a mother from Thailand and a father from South Africa. And then that ranger will make numerous racist jokes. And yet, the ranger will still somehow be a real hit.

Also, bonus stereotype, don’t expect to see that ranger on the dance floor.

4. If pressed, a ranger will eventually admit that they do have a tattoo of John Denver, and no, you can’t see where it is.

5. No, you can’t know a ranger’s secret to happiness, but yes, it does involve home-made crossword puzzles.

There you have it, a few simple stereotypes that I’ve been carrying around. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’d sign off Jean, but I wish! I’m not yet a volunteer ranger. And besides, I bet us volunteer rangers don’t get the Jean nickname. Probably, at best, I’ll be called the Jortster.

white_wash_front-2_850x850

Seen here – me on duty (You want to be a ranger, too? These are Chubbies brand.)

 

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March Madness

March Madness is back and with it, a trip to your local psychologist. What is it about March that makes us all mad? The grief over the anniversary of Caesar’s stabbing? The guesses but lack of absolute certainty on how to say ‘et tu, Brute?’ The knowledge that baseball players are back to exhibiting ALL OUT EFFORT for up to 10 seconds at a time? Or the basketball? Will the Clippers have it this year, or are they just a haircut waiting to happen? How about those Phoenix Suns, or maybe I should ask about the Phoenix Daughters? Is the haughty, disdainful, or supercilious Lebron James going to take another title? Don’t get that joke, neither did your thesaurus – LAST NIGHT.

Don’t like that joke?, perhaps you should apply some Des Moines Ointments to it.

I’m getting way off track, and I say that knowing that I started writing this post with the intent to not make sense.

The Des Moines Ointments, of Des Moines, Iowa, are one of three expansion teams I am currently in the process of lobbying for. This team would be owned by an acne cream. At some point someone is going to want to nickname these guys the ‘cream team’ either when they’re getting crushed or crushing others regularly, I think that’s fine.

Another team I am lobbying for is the Greater Des Moines area Topical Creams. I know what you’re thinking, going from 0 teams in Des Moines to two? And both of them seem to be sponsored by drug companies? And yes, I hear your concerns, I validate them, I don’t dispute them, it really is a terrible idea.

Moving on.

The last team, and this one is the one I’m most passionate about, is the Eugene Suspenders. If I picture a fictional person named Eugene, that person is wearing glasses, he’s not wearing suspenders, but if you asked him he’d gladly wear a pair. This team will be on Eugene, Oregon, and there a ton of marketing possibilities for this team. Eugene Mirman would be the mascot, he’d only have to show up to one game every two years but we’d hope he’d come around more often. He wouldn’t do anything too traditionally mascot-like, he’d just sort of walk around and talk about popcorn. Or not, it’s up to Eugene. But the Suspenders would have fantastic fans, great players, and an overall apathy toward the hot topic issue of ‘is Mr. Gern gross?’ (HOT TAKE: totally gross.)

The End

P.S. Sometimes I make jokes that make no sense, and sometimes I reference obscure things. And sometimes I make jokes that are just bad, I barely like them and I question why I’m saying them as I’m saying them. I say this because you may have read this post and thought, ‘am I missing something?’ … no, you’re not, it mostly makes 0 sense. But hey, sometimes that’s what I like.

semi-ojeleye-roster-photo

P.S. GO SMU! (And Arizona.)

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Game of Thrones Theme Song Words

If you’ve watched Game of Thrones then you’re no doubt familiar with the show’s theme song. But do you know the words to the theme song? Probably not, because there aren’t any. But don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

Go ahead and click play and sing along. Personally I find singing out loud to an unwilling audience is best (insincerest apologies to my wife). In fact, get your unwilling audience to join it, it’s probably best as a duet.

This is my map

This is my map

This is my map

…etc

(Then some other stuff kicks in)

My map … is a good map … yes it is … (This is my map x4)

My map … is a rad map .. it’s got gears (This is my map x4)

My map – check it out, man – it’s so fun! (This is my map x4)

Look guys, it’s the cool-est, am I riiiiight? (This is my map x4)

Woah man it’s majestic, I’m so proud (This is my map x4)

Zooooming in to the wall now (This is my mapx4)

<I’ll be honest, at this point I make up new words every time, so just have fun with it and make sure you use the word map a LOT. Clearly they’re proud of this map.>

(And the end there’s some kinda tingling type noise and it gets quieter, so just whisper mumble about lesser maps in a condescending way.)

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