The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

Super Bummer, Huh Guys?

March Madness means wild celebrating, over-joyed faces and dances, and also the very image of being heartbroken. While watching a game this past weekend I saw a guy who looked like a dork, a guy who is on the team but who I can’t picture getting any minutes. And if I had played college basketball, I would’ve been that guy.

Oh man, guys … oof, right?

Ok, yeah, lots of tears in this locker room. I get that. I know that even though we’re on the same team some of you are looking at me like, “who is this guy?” Which is pretty rude since there’s only fourteen of us but whatever.

While all of you were training to take us so far and come so close, like … so, so close. I mean, did you see that? Shoot sorry. This isn’t helping.

Dudes! Think about all the sweet sympathy hugs we’re going to get! Probably from pretty girls, too!

perry_ellis

Kansas player Perry Ellis.

Wait, ok, since I have all of your attention … how old are you? I feel like I should always call you sir, and not because you’re 2.7 million times better than me at basketball. But you look like you should be celebrating your tenth wedding anniversary. At least. How are your four kids? Is it tiring being a college basketball player and masquerading as someone much younger than you?

Shoot. Ok. Distracted again. I’m cheering the team up. Uhhh … did you guys see there’s a grocery store by here? Pizza Lunchables on me, guys.

…

Oof. Tough crowd. So much crying.

All right, I don’t need to shower or anything so … I’ll be at the grocery store, don’t let the bus leave without me!

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Du Jour of the Week

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The Loneliest Clone

I am a genetic experiment gone awry
But more than that – I think I’m a pretty nice guy

Just take a chance on me
Take a chance, and you’ll see!

If you could look past my rough exterior
To my superior interior

I think it’d be plain to see
I’m someone you’d like at your next party

The scientist admitted he was drunk when he made me
My fourth arm, for example, appears somehow racist and hazy

I’m a great listener despite having only one ear
But, may I just say, I don’t just listen, I hear

Tell me your stories, your jokes, your woes
I’ll be your devoted audience in smell-proof clothes

A good clone is idempotent
I have claws, fangs, fur, and I’m impotent

That said, a party would be better with my wit
On my search for friends, I’ll never quit

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Du Jour of the Week

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Adventures in Colorado-ing

My wife and I are the proud new owners of fancy bicycles. This is a big step towards us being classic Coloradoans.

My new bike is fancy, and expensive (in my mind – to a true bicyclist, it’s on the lower end). But it is MUCH nicer than my last bike, which was one of Wal-Mart’s finer road bike offerings.

While at the bike shop the guy helping us/selling us on all things biking would occasionally throw out some bike lingo. We would nod before realizing what he just said was gibberish as far as we know.

“Yeah and it’s good to have a spare tube in case you run over some goat heads and get a flat.”

I laughed because this guy clearly has a delightfully weird sense of humor. But wait, no, he wasn’t joking. Are there a lot of goat head skeletons around here that are pointy and cause flats? That’s a thing? Why doesn’t someone clean them up? Better yet, why are there so many dead goats? Should I be concerned about the dead goat population?

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After a bit I asked, “so … what are goat heads?” He laughed and said, “oh let me look it up,” then he began typing into Google and got a little afraid, “… I hope this returns pictures that aren’t …”

But no, it returned a picture of what my wife calls “sticker burrs” and what I call “those thorny things” or just “stickers.”

We took the bikes out for a nice 10 mile ride today and high-fived over the brilliance of bike shorts with pads for the tushes. Ah, comfort.

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