The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

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Charmin Bears Can’t … Bear It

Remember the Charmin commercial? The toilet paper the cartoon bears used?

I know I’m strange, and I latch onto odd things – but this commercial really bothered me. I was going through old notebooks and I found a tiny thing I wrote about this.

Check it out.

Charmin Bears Can’t … Bear It

These bears have bits of toilet paper ALL over their, you know, rear end type “areas” – and I say “area” because they have no parts down there. They’re all Barbie-fied. You know, no Capital City. So these Charmin bears can’t go to the bathroom AND they can’t have sex.

Here’s how I imagine a conversation going between two of these Charmin bears:

“Hey, morning.”

“Morning.”

“So … whaddya wanna do today?”

“I don’t know – DIE! I’ve gotta go to the bathroom SO BAD.”

“Oh no …”

“What?”

“I just realized mating season is coming up …”

“GOD! As though I’m not irritable enough!”

“Did you say irritable?”

“Well, not like … not like THAT …”

“…”

“Where’s that kid bear?”

“Probably out ripping up toilet paper and gluing it to his fur.”

“I swear, if that kid doesn’t have A learning disability he has two.”

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Important Discovery!!

I realized today that any phrase that starts with “hey sailor” ends up sounding like a sexual innuendo.

For example if I asked you, “paper or plastic?” you might visualize yourself at a grocery store. But if I said, “hey sailor … paper or plastic?” You would assume I’m coming on to you.

Note: I should add that whenever I write ‘hey sailor’ in my head it’s my most sultry voice. And what a sultry voice.

Other fun innuendos involving hey sailor:

Hey sailor, white or wheat?

Hey sailor, your shoe’s untied.

Hey sailor, I can’t find my dress socks. Will you help me look?

Hey sailor, wakka wakka wakka …

***

Now. Just as important as this discovery was this secondary discovery. There is NO WAY you can say the word “socioeconomic” and not have it kill the innuendo you were so finely crafting.

“Hey sailor, want to talk about the socioeconomic condition in West Virginia?”

NOPE! Doesn’t work!

***

My challenge to you, dear reader(s) – come up with an innuendo phrase that involves socioeconomic. The winner of the challenge will get a very crappy poem written to/about/for them. The poem will probably not make sense, but it will rhyme.

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Say Friends, Let’s Give Earth a Hug

Feel like volunteering for Earth Day? No. You a-hole. How about this – you might meet the person of your dreams at this volunteer event, be drafted to be the starting quarterback (your raw talent will finally be recognized!) AND … some other cool stuff.

http://www.volunteermatch.org/

http://pledge5.starbucks.com/

http://www.onebrick.org/ (Select cities only but an awesome group)

I must admit I won’t be volunteering this weekend. I’ll be alternatively procrastinating and doing homework.

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